


The Promises We Kept

by BloodyClaws



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Adorable Mikey, Awesome Donnie, Awesome Mikey, Badass Casey, Badass Mikey, Badass Raph, Brotherly Bonding, Discovery, F/F, F/M, Femslash, Flashbacks, Forced Starvation, Genius Donnie, Hurt Leo, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Male Slash, Mikey's a Genius, Mother-Hen Mikey, Motherly April, Nightmares, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Past secrets, Protective Raphael, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Splinter Feels Guilty, Starvation, Suicidal Leo, Suicide Attempt, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Turtlecest, Victim Blaming, Violence, caring Raphael, depressed leo, slightly AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-07-19 03:52:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 73,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7343695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodyClaws/pseuds/BloodyClaws
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the fight in New York and the invasion of The Kraang, the team has to work together to fix their broken leader after Shredder takes his "revenge" against Splinter to far...But the past and future hold terrors they never anticipated and secrets they never wanted revealed.<br/>S2 final AU!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Invasion

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hey everyone! I got the idea for this story after watching the Season 2 final of the 2k12 TMNT. I hope you guys enjoy it! ^_^ I don't own the picture.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT, if I did...There'd be a lot more hurt/comfort in it...^_^

Chapter 1: The Invasion

The ending of this battle was inevitable, even for the stubborn leader. Under different circumstances, it was possible it would be a better outcome. But his brothers should be out of NYC by now, he wasn't going to have back-up, he was alone, exhausted, injured and scared. He couldn't seem to thin out the amount of foot soldiers and Kraang droids and he knew it was only a matter of time before his arms gave out. His legs would collapse from cramping and he would be at the mercy of Shredder. That didn't mean he wasn't going to fight with everything he had, he had a team to fight for. He had a family to fight for. He kept that thought in mind as he shoved his katana threw a foot before kicking the soldier back. Blood stained his blade, his enemies blood. He continued fighting as Kraang droids fired at him, the foot slashed violently at him with their inexperienced hands. They moved slower than the first batch he fought, these seemed to be the "second best", their weapons held carelessly as he slashed their throats, watching at the life drained from their red bug-like eyes. He flipped his weapon around as he impaled it through an approaching soldier behind him.

'Lousy "sneak" attack' He thought to himself, thinking about all the times Mikey tried to do that to him. He made him smile, just a small one. It was these memories that made him keep fighting. He wanted to get back to that. He wanted to be back with his brothers. He wanted to deal with their problems, normal problems like Mikey's terrible "homemade" pizza and these...Feelings he didn't what to think about most of the time. This kept him fighting for a meaningless cause. For the humans that called them "freaks". For the humans that made Mikey cry when he snuck out to the surface when he was seven, he ran into one of them. Getting a fist in the face by the child's father, the child he saved. The man called him a "freak" and Mikey ran back crying. All of this, he was risking his life for those humans. But this meaningless cause happened to be his and his brothers home. And that's why he fights. To give his brothers a safe home again.

He gripped his blade tightly as he jumped to the top platform, slicing off a droid's head and tossing it at one of the foot. He could feel his energy depleting rapidly when suddenly the foot spread out, holding their weapons out as Tiger Claw, Rahzar and Fishface jumped down. He knew this wasn't going to be a long fight, he couldn't take on all of them, but he stood tall, clutching his katana in his tense hand. He dodged Tiger Claw's bullets, one of them grazing his thigh. He gasped in pain as he clutched the wound. He breathed out, spinning the dangerous weapon in his palm as he slashed at the mutated fish. He felt the air leave his lungs when one of the mutants robotic metal legs slam into his chest, knocking him into the concrete wall, his sword was lost in the mass of bodies. He groaned out as he tried to get up, Fishface rammed his leg into Leo's plastron, jolting him in the air before he collapsed against the ground, gasping for air that didn't seem to be around him. He felt the creature grab his leg, ripping him up and flinging him across the platform. The young turtle landed with a thud. He felt part of his shell crack and he cried out.

He couldn't just give up...He had to get up!

He did a backwards somersault, unsheathing his last katana, the twin blade lost somewhere in the mound of bodies, he stared Rahzar down as the large anthropomorphic dog charged at him. He spun around, landing a hit on him. He flipped his blade and swung it at the dog only to have Rahzar grab the blade, growling at him before snapping his precious weapon in half. Leo bit his lip as he stared up at yellow eyes. He felt the sharp claws rip into his plastron as Rahzar slammed him into the ground. He felt the dog's claws on his feet dig into his leaf green skin as he kicked away at him. He felt the blood dripping out of his body as he stared at the foot soldiers. He could feel the other two pairs of feet join in the first. He could feel the bruises forming as Tiger claw pounded his fists against the turtle's flesh. He tried to get up, but was knocked down over and over again. He could feel the little bit of energy fade quickly as he face planted against the concrete floor. He didn't remember clutching his chest, but he remembered pulling his hand back and freezing, there was a dark clotted blood covering his hand. His arm was bleeding and bruised. His eyes widened as Fishface slammed his foot down on his wrist, a sickening shatter filled his eyes as he screamed. The pain clouded his mind as he felt his eyes drift close for a few seconds. Fishface laughed down at him as Rahzar picked the sobbing teen up by his shin, digging his claws into Leo's flesh, watching in satisfaction as he ripped his thumb across the back of the turtle knee, the veins snapped and ripped open. Blood sprayed onto the ground at Rahzar's feet, some of the liquid running down Leo's leg as the teen struggled, screaming out in pain as he cried.

"ENOUGH! Leave us. Find his brothers, I'll finish him from here." Shredder growled out from his position watching over this interaction. The three growled at him, Fishface opened his mouth before one of Shredder's blades landed in front of him. "Get. OUT!" The man growled out as he jumped down, roughly taking the turtle from Rahzar's hand. The three mumbled something as they walked away. "Take them," The man gestured to the foot soldiers. "With you." Tiger Claw nodded, motioning to the foot and they all left.

Leo looked up at the blurred man above him. His vision was going in and out of focus. He'd lost, his brothers weren't gonna save him. Master Splinter wasn't here. And he was at the mercy of his worst enemy. He was out of energy, his weapons were broken or lost and he was bleeding out rapidly.

"Now look at the little turtle, not so strong without your brothers or Sensei, are you?" Shredder sneered down at him as Leo tried to get up. The blue clad leader winced as his arms gave out, his face, meeting the floor once again. He could hear the smirk in the older man's voice. "Your Sensei doesn't appear to coming to rescue you...So you can blame him for your painful...ehum punishment." Shredder growled at him as he picked up the emotionally drained turtle. He slammed Leo into the wall as he pushed himself against the teen. He leaned into Leo, running his rough hands down his sides. He felt the teen shiver against him, he was hiding his head as he felt the feel him up, the foreign hands gripped his shell as the horror of the situation hit him. He felt the older man's erection press against the flesh below his shell, his body tensed. Tears streamed down his face as he tried to ignore the man sucking on his neck, or kneading the tender flesh below his belt. He whimpered when he felt a large finger prod at his entrance, he tried not to tense when the finger shoved inside of him. He felt himself tear, the pain wasn't terrible, but it was uncomfortable. It was degrading and frankly, embarrassing. He was trapped against a wall, bleeding out, covered in bruises as his nemesis violated him. He wanted to give up, he wanted Shredder to just kill him. But he didn't seem to have that in mind.

Happy laughter filled his mind as he tried to ignore what was happening to him. He tried to think about the times he's had with his brothers. Like the victory party they had when they defeated the Kraang the first time, or when they got Karai back to Master Splinter, he was so happy. Leo never told anyone how much he was jealous of her. Sure in the beginning he'd had a small crush on her but that faded. He couldn't express the hurt, lounging feeling he got when he saw the true happiness that shined in Splinter's eyes when he was around her. It hurt...Because he was no longer the oldest, he was just the leader. He tried being the best oldest child he could but he always did something wrong. She was better than him and Splinter knew that. No matter what he did, ever since he was younger, he always did something wrong. His brothers would sneak out, it was his fault, they got hurt, his fault. He could see it in his Sensei's eyes when he looked at him. His beloved teacher, and father, he blamed him for Raph getting hurt when they were younger. The four of them had gone exploring, not thinking about the dangers of doing so. They got attacked by a crocodile, they got out, but Raph's plastron was chipped. Raph always says he's proud of the mark, saying it was his first fight. It was a battle scar...But Splinter didn't see it that way . He saw it as Leo did...Another way that he'd failed his brothers. And he's been trying to make up for for the past eight years. He never saw his Sensei look at Karai that way, even after she tried to kill them. Kill him.

His eyes snapped back open when a piercing pain shot through his neck as the man's teeth sunk into the green flesh. He felt the air leave his lungs as he struggled not to scream when Shredder slammed his broken wrist against the wall.

"I could stop. I could take you to your brothers." The man pulled back, sneering at the sobbing child. "I could just take your little brother instead...What's his name again? The little orange one with the kumchucks, Michelangelo. I'm sure you wouldn't want that, would you?" He wrapped one of his gloved hands up around Leo's throat, holding it tightly as he watched the turtle gasp for air. He smirked to himself as Leo tried to speak, but it came out in wheezes. He released him, allowing Leo to fall to the ground.

"N-no...Please, leave Mikey alone. Please, I'll do whatever you want...Just leave him alone…" His voice was reduced to a whisper by the end, he saw Shredder step towards him and he tensed. He was hauled up again and slammed into the ground again, he bit his lip, trying not to show the weakness he knew was inside him. He tried to ignore the man who was now on top of him, glaring down at his bloodied body. He tried to ignore when his hips were lifted off the ground. He tried to ignore the sounds of what little armor he wears hit the ground a few feet away from him. He tried to ignore the larger object that was forcing itself inside of him. He tried to ignore the pain as he was ripped apart. He tried to ignore the screaming until he realized that the voice was his. He could feel everything and ignore nothing. He felt his legs twitch as his hips rammed forward. He could feel the older man sliding into him. He could feel the disgusting feeling that was settling in his gut like it was a home. He just wanted it to be over. He wanted his brothers to show up and save him. Pull him away from this.

He could feel the other man glare at him. "You're too quiet," He man muttered before slamming one of his armored arms down on Leo's legs, the blades shoved themselves into his skin as the bone moved, wanting to get away from the pressure before snapping. His felt his back arch as he screamed, hot tears warmed his frozen cheeks as he sobbed. He can see the snow hitting the ground next to him. He can see the beautiful white crystal snow slowly change into a deep, blood red as his life dripped from him. This isn't how he was suppose to die. He was suppose to die fighting, protecting those he cared about...Not lying in the snow, alone, having his enemy using him for his own disgusting pleasure because of a threat. He felt the grip on his hips tighten as the older, deformed man quicken his pace. His sickening moans filled the quiet air. He squirmed as he felt the warm liquid start filling his body. He tried to hold what last of his dignity was left but it vanished the second Shredder stood. There was blood covering the man's cock, his blood. This...This man...He took the last thing he had. He felt Shredder pick him up roughly as he started walking. He was too tired, too...Done. He couldn't bring himself to move, or think, or struggle. He felt himself being thrown into a car, his head hit the floorboard. He stared in front of him, he heard his T-phone go off. He tensed when he realized Shredder was holding it.

"They're at the girl'l apartment. Go, take this...Vile whore with you...I can't stand to look at him anymore." He heard the car door slam shut before it rumbled to life beneath him.

'Vile whore...Failure...What makes you think you deserve to be with your brothers again. You'll fail...You can't protect them! You can't even protect yourself…' He looked next to him, his broken blade was lazily thrown it. Rahzar probably threw it in here before they left. He stared at the shattered metal hopelessly, a broken feeling hit him as he stared at the word his brothers had written on it.

'Lame-O-Nardo'...He told his brothers, he didn't care after they got home but...It hurt. It hurt a lot, he was just trying to help his brothers so they wouldn't get hurt...And he knew they got mad about his training, but he never thought they'd carve something like that into his katana. They knew how much he loved his blades and...His heart tugged when he looked at the word and he forced himself not to cry.

With Donnie, Mikey and April

Donnie paced against the hard wooden floor, trying not to listen to the Kraang ships outside. Mikey was sitting on the couch next to April, waiting for Leo, Raph and Casey to show up. He'd texted both of them, but neither had shown up yet. He was getting worried, fear was stabbing his gut. A few minutes later the door slammed open, Raph and Casey rushed it.

"Come on, guys! We've gotta get outta here, Kraang Prime is stomping this way." Raph said as Mikey rushed over and wrapped his arms around his older brother. "Hey, Mikey. I missed ya." He nuzzled into his older brother before pulling back, smiling up at him.

"We can't leave yet, Raph...Leo's not back yet." He frowned as the panic that flashed through Raph's eyes before he crossed his arms.

"What? Did you text him? Where'd he go?" Raph asked quickly as April and her dad stood. April rushed over to Casey, wrapping her arms around him.

"Oh god, I thought I lost you." She cried out as he hugged her back.

"Don't worry, Red. You'll never lose Casey Jones," He smirked at the heartbroken look on Donnie's face. He kissed her head before they pulled back.

"Yea, I tex-" Mikey froze when gunshots outside hit his ears, seconds later a loud shattering sound filled the room. Their heads turned as the window broke, it's glass flying across the room, Leo's limp body collided against the coffee table, wood digging into his skin as he slammed into the floor. His blue eyes were wide as he screamed, glass and wood shards stabbed into his back. He had blood dripping in different directions on his face, a nearly pure black eye. Raph was the first one to him, pulling Leo's head into his lap, gently running his fingers over his leaf green skin. Donnie took the right side, trying to figure out what the wounds were while Mikey nervously knelt down on the left, he clutched his big brother's hand in his as he watched Leo's plastron rise and fall slowly.

"Leo…"Raph muttered as he stared down at him. There was so much blood, it was pouring down his legs and on his plastron had five deep gashes that seemed to have reopen because the second he hit the floor they began spouting blood. The deep red liquid was creating small puddles under him. Leo's eyes were still open, his lip parted as he gasped for breaths. His eyes over spilled with tears, they were fixated on the ceiling. His eyes were dull as the rotated around his brothers. He didn't understand why Mikey was crying...He thought he saved him! H-He...He did this for him, why was he crying…

Leo raised his hand, staring at the broken bone. There was blood covering his hand, he guessed it was his. He reached a shaking hand towards Mikey, cupping his cheek , brushing the tears away with his thumb. Mikey didn't mind that he was getting blood on his face, as long as Leo was still awake.

"H-Hey, please do...Don't cry...P-Please, don't cry...It's not worth it...I'm not worth it…" Mikey's eyes went wide as he stared down at Leo. He felt his heart break when he realized his big brother meant it. He shook his head angrily, his tears dripped down and mixed with the blood.

"Shut up, you are worth it!" He choked out as he grasped the bloody hand gently. "You'll always be worth it, Weo," He smiled as the brief smile, his big brother gave him at the one year old version of his name. He remembered he couldn't pronounce Leo's name when he was younger, he tried but it always came out as "Weo".

"Come on, guys! We've gotta get out of here." Raph said as a foot jumped through the broken window. Raph jumped up, pulling one his sai's out and stabbed it through the foot. He spun around, picking Leo out bridal style as they ran out of the room. Donnie flung his bo at an approaching soldiers head, nailing it to the wall. He ripped it out as he passed. They managed to make it out to the station wagon, April's dad said something before he was covered in mutagen. Raph couldn't bring himself to care that April got into the car crying, Donnie didn't make any move to comfort her either. Casey took the driver's seat before he started trying to comfort the crying girl. Raph glared at him and rolling his eyes.

"CASEY! Quit your goddamn flirting for two fucking seconds and get this car moving!" He shouted, his body was shaking as he tried not to break down. Mikey crawled next to him as the car began speeding away from the giant droid. Raph looked over at his little brother before holding his arm out. He stared at him for a second before nuzzling himself into the, normally, anger turtle side. Donnie worked quickly, trying to stop the blood and making sure they wouldn't get infected.

"Shit...April do you a first aid kit in here?" Donnie asked, earning a nod from the girl. She turned around a few seconds later, handing him the kit. She offered him a small, forced smile before turning back to the road. Donnie dug through the kit, pulling out the gauze, sterilization wipes and tweezers. He looked up at Raph and bit his lip. "Tiger Claw musta shot him, he's got a bullet lodged in his thigh. I need to get it out." The two remaining brothers looked at him and nodded. "Mikey, I need you to hold his legs down, Raph hold his shoulders, I can't have him jerking around while I've got something lodged in his leg, it could do more damage." Mikey jumped up, holding his brother's legs, trying to avoid the deep claw marks. Raph mimicked him on the other side, though he was holding his shoulders a bit tighter. Raph leaned down, he watched his older brother's eyes flutter around before landing on him.

"Shhh, it'll be okay...Just try not to move, this is gonna hurt." He whispered softly, brushing his cheek lightly before kissing his forehead. He held his lips there as Donnie said he was ready. They both nodded before the smarter turtle quickly placed the tweezers inside the hole. Leo tensed, his breathing increased as the pain continued to get worse.

"N-no no no, I don't want more pain! Pl-please, Raphie, stop it. Please, please.." He sobbed out as he struggled to breath.

"Shhhh, I know, but Donnie's gotta get that bullet out. Please just hang on, I promise it'll be over soon. Please, it's okay." Raph gently whispered to him as he continued placing soft pecks against his face. He didn't see the looks they gave him. He didn't see the worried look Mikey sent him or the raised eyebrow Casey got with a smirk when he noticed or the smile April cast at them.

"I-it hurts...P-please, Raphie make it stop…" He choked out as tears hit the floor.

"It'll end soon, I promise." Raph looked up at Donnie, a panicked look in both their eyes. "Donnie?"

"I know, I know! I….I got it!" He looked up at Leo for a second. "April! We need you!" He called out, causing the redhead to jump into the back with them. "I need you to heat up one of Raph's sai's. We don't have anything else and I've gotta cauterize the wound." He noticed the panicked look on her face before he smiled. "Please, April. None of us can do it and I've gotta do this. Please," April nodded, taking one of the sai's from Raph's belt and grabbed a large lighter from Casey. Donnie scrunched his nose, glancing up at Raph and Mikey, he nodded to them before waiting until he could tell April almost had the blade heated completely, he breathed in and out before quickly pulling the bullet out, flinching at the whimpers his brother was giving. He held his hand out for the sai and was revealed when he felt it's weight in his hand. He looked up at Raph.

"Hey, Leo...The pain's almost over...Just a little longer, babe. I promise," He bit his lip as he continued trying to comfort his brother. He kissed his forehead, leaving his lips there once again as he saw Donnie lift the sai. Seconds later a blood curdling scream ripped at the walls of the wagon. Donnie pulled back a few seconds after, his face was pale as he stared at the wound. It wasn't bleeding now, but it was still there. Everyone was pale, April was shaking as tears streamed down her face, she wanted to curl up and have Donnie hold her but he had to bandage his brother. Mikey was sobbing, tears and snot trailed down his face as he stared at the bloodied and bruised body of his big brother. Raph was holding Leo as close to him as he could without moving him. He continued kissing his face softly as he tried to keep the other boy from passing out.

"Stay awake, babe. Please don't go to sleep yet, please." He didn't noticed the pet name he'd called him twice now, nor did he noticed the looks from them again.

Donnie looked over at April and smiled lightly. "Thanks." He said before picking up the gauze and the sterilization wipes. He handed one to April, asking her to open it while he tried to get Leo's wrist back into place. After he'd done that and bandaged it tight enough it wouldn't move, he took the small, white damp cloth from her and slowly began cleaning the gashes on Leo's plastron. His toes curled at the pain filled sounds his oldest brother was making, but he tried to ignore them. He managed to clean the wound before turning to Raph.

"Can you hold him up? I've gotta wrap the gauze around him." He got a simple nod from the boy before he gently lifted Leo up, Donnie quickly wrapped the gauze and allowed Raph to set him down again. He repeated the actions on Leo's legs, wrapping the broken one before cleaning the claw marks and wrapping those too. He leaned against the wall a few hours later, every one of the small cuts and scrapes on all his brothers and April were covered. Raph pulled Leo into his arms, allowing Mikey to curl up with his head resting on Raph's plastron. He rested his head on his brothers. Raph looked up and smiled lightly at Donnie, reaching his arm out. Donnie sighed before curling up on the other side of the largest turtle, his arms resting protectively around his brothers. The remaining three drifted off a few minutes later. April smiled to herself before picking up a bright pink blanket, she knew Raph would be pissed about it, but it was the biggest of the blankets and she didn't want to take any chances with the state Leo was in. She covered them gently, making sure it covered them all before crawling into the front with Casey again. She smiled lightly at him as she curled up, her head resting comfortably in his lap.

"Night, Red." He whispered.

"Goodnight, Casey. Thanks for driving...By the way." She muttered as she drifted off. He avoided every pothole they came across, he could tell the turtles were exhausted and he didn't want to wake them. He silently thanked Donnie for saving Leo. He'd grown to love the turtles and he knew if the leader died, despite what he'd heard Leo tell himself (Not realizing he was talking out loud.), he knew the team would fall apart without him.

Next Morning

Raph opened his eyes, moving his arms to stretch when he realized he couldn't feel them, other than the light tingling. He glanced over at his two younger brothers who were clutching to his arms, almost cutting off the blood. He smiled lightly and shook his head before looking down at Leo, who was curled up in his lap.

"We could put him in the bathtub?" He jumped lightly when he noticed Casey and April sitting in front of him. He raised an eyebrow at them.

"It'll keep him hydrated," Casey said, smirking at the shocked look from the two. "What? I know things." He rolled his eyes before nodding towards the sleeping two. "You gonna wake them up, it's half past twelve, and I think we'd best get him inside before nightfall." Raph grunted lightly before debating on how he was gonna wake the two. Normally he's just shake 'em but this wasn't normal. They were all exhausted and he didn't want to wake them.

"Let 'em sleep," He grumbled as he pulled his arms free. "We'll get Leo into the house and then I'll deal with 'em, okay?" Casey shrugged as he and April climbed out, allowing Raph to slowly get out, clutching his brother close to him as he sighed. He could see the bruises that lined his face more clearly now that they were outside, and he didn't like it. He wanted to go back to NYC and beat the shit out of Shredder and the Kraang. But he couldn't leave his brothers here. He couldn't abandon them because he was mad. He followed April into the house with Casey behind him. He stood rigid in the bathroom as she filled the tub to the mid point. He placed his brother in, watching as the unconscious boy slide down before his shell hit the bottom. He bit his lip before ordering April to watch him while he got Mikey and Donnie. Casey tagged along with him, for some unknown reason.

"Ya know you called him "babe" twice yesterday, right?" Casey asked as they exited the town house. Raph stopped, letting his shoulders sag before sighing.

"It's not like he'll remember. He was in pain the whole time, I doubt he understood what I was saying." He growled before making his way to the van. He gently carried each of his brothers into one of the room, knowing they wouldn't really care about sleeping in a bed together right now. He tucked them in before going back to the bathroom quietly.

He stayed in the room with Leo until the next day, Mikey came in. He talked to Raph for a little while, he looked like he wanted to cry most of the time. Raph told him after a while that he could leave, it was getting visibly hard for him not to start sobbing at the sight of his big brother. Mikey smiled sadly at him, quickly wrapping his arms around his brother's before retreating out of the room. Raph didn't blame him though, Leo was still in terrible shape.

He had a black eye, busted lip, a large scratch, going from the left side of his forehead to his right cheekbone, thankfully it didn't damage the eye it went over. He had hand print bruises on his neck from where it looked like someone was choking him. He had the five deep gashes on his chest along with a few newer chips in his shell, his legs were covered in bruises, scraps and cuts, his leg was broken along with his wrist. He had sunken claw like holes on his shin. And then there were the bruises that Raph didn't want to believe were there. There were two large hand print bruises on both of the unconscious turtles hips, his neck had multiply hickies and bit marks, that didn't look pleasureful.

To be truthful, Raph was terrified that there was a, high, possibility that Shredder or one of his henchmen had taken it far enough to sexual violate the other teen.

Slowly the wounds healed, erasing all evidence that there was a terrible fight. The gashes scared, leaving five long ragged marks on his plastron. His leg and wrist healed, the cuts and scrapes healed. It had been almost four months...And Leo was still in a coma like sleep.

With Master Splinter (Four months ago:The Day of the Invasion.)

The rat looked around at the fallen soldiers, their blood stained the ground he walked on. He heard his once called brother approach him, but he had no move to turn and face the scarred man.

"Hamato Yoshi, you are too late." Shredder said as he stood, he threw Leo's T-Phone and armor at the Sensei, smirking at the look of fear that appeared.

"What have you done with my son!?"

"I've returned him to his brothers, after I was done with him. You raised him well, he was strong. He loves his brothers, quite dearly from what I can see. That was his downfall, of course. He would do anything to protect them. You threaten his babybrother and he'll give up. He would do anything to make sure I didn't touch the youngest, even if that meant giving up and becoming a whore." He could feel the emotions coming off the rat, normal people would be running in fear - and not because of his rodent like appearance.

"What. Did. You. Do. To. My. Son!?" Splinter seemingly growled out, his eyes narrowed dangerously.

"I used him. I taintedhim."

"Y-You...You monster! Why would you do something like this! Because my wife didn't choose you?! Because I refused a futile fight?! Because of this ridiculous feud, you raped my son!" Splinter got into his fighting position, glaring at the other man. "If it's a fight you wanted, then I'll give you a fight."

At the Town House (Present)

Raph sulkily sat down at the kitchen table, April and Mikey were making lunch while the remaining three were talking.

"Raph, I know you don't like being away from Leo for this long, but ya need to eat, dude." Casey said as he leaned back against the seat. He smirked at the glare Raph sent him.

"It's been four months...I'm just...I'm worried, like what if he's not going to wake up! What if he's gonna be in one of those life long coma's." He heard the plate fall as Mikey froze. He winced at the look Donnie sent him before turning to the youngest brother.

"D-Do you think...Leo'll wake up right, Don?"

"Yea, he will. His body just needed to completely heal and get it's energy back before allowing him to wake up. Most of his wounds are healed now, his leg will probably be a bit difficult to walk on when he wakes up, but the rest of his body'll be stiff from not moving anyway. But he'll be okay, Mikey. Right, Raph?" Donnie looked over at Raph, glaring lightly at the older turtle.

"Right, I'm just worried, that's what I get for not sleepin' a lot. Don't listen to me, Mikey." Raph tried to send a reassuring smile and it seemed to work before Mikey perked up again, picking up the plate as he continued cooking. "I'm gonn-"

"No! You're staying here, Raph. If it'll make you feel better I'll go check on him, but you've gotta eat." April said firmly, putting her apron up and walking out of the room. Mikey hummed to himself as he flipped the pancakes, a small smile on his face.

"GUYS! GET UP HERE!" Raph was out of his seat faster than the rest, already half way up the stairs by the time the others got out the kitchen. He ran into the bathroom, colliding with April. He met sapphire blue eyes and he smiled. He rushed over to Leo and wrapped his arms around him. He heard gasps behind him, he knew he should allow Donnie and Mikey hug their older brother but he couldn't bring him to let go. He was almost completely in the bathtub, tears streaming down his face. He pulled back, holding his Leo's face in his hands. He smiled at the confused look on the older turtles face.

"You okay, Raph?" Leo asked, his voice was rough. He coughed, rubbing his throat. April walked up and handed him a glass of water, earning a thankful smile. He looked back up at Raph, who stared at him. "Raph?" He squealed lightly when the other boy hugged him again, his face flushed. "Raphie?" He whispered as the larger boy's hands slide down and trace his sides. He smiled lightly as he wrapped his arms around his younger brother. He looked at everyone's face, noticing the tears and smiles on them. "What's going on? Raph," He pulled back, holding the other boy at arm's length. "What's going on?"

"You've been in a coma for the past four months, Fearless..." Raph whispered as he stroked Leo's cheek.

"Yea, Raph stayed with you aaaall the time. He was wooooorried," Mikey smirked at the blush that crossed Raph's face.

"Shut it, Mikey!" He snapped, his blush growing at the giggle he heard. He looked over at Leo who was now holding his mouth, a small smile on his face. He leaned back and crossed his arms. "I thought ya wasn't gonna wake up, you...You'd lost a lot of blood." He muttered looking up.

"Okay, I know we're all happy Leo's awake, but I've gotta look him over. We don't know what sort of damage this could of done." Donnie said as he gently pushed Raph out of the way.

"Okay, Leo. Do you know who you are?"

"Yes, I know who I am," Leo smirked lightly at the annoyed look his brother gave him before sighing.

"What's your name?"

"Leonardo,"

"What's your birthday?"

"August 15th 1993."

"What's the year?"

"2008?"

"Do you know where you are?"

"The town house?" He asked, looking around the room. Donnie nodded.

"Do you remember anything from that day?"

"I just remember...I remember running through the sewers with you, Mikey and April, then the droids showed up and we had the argument and...I remember standing in this sewer plant type thing, there were a lot of foot soldiers and droids...And I vaguely remember Rahzar, Fishface and Tiger Claw jumping down, Fishface kicked me into a concrete wall, and he kept kicking me. I can't really remember anything else after that. Just the three of them throwing me around and stuff. Tiger Claw broke one of my blades,the other was somewhere in the mound of bodies. I couldn't fight anymore, everything was hurting, but at the same time it was numb...I don't remember anything after that. I know Shredder did something, I just can't remember..." Leo was staring down at the tub when he finished, biting his lip. He didn't like telling them how weak he was, how much of a failure he was. He sucked his lower lip in as tears started filling his eyes. He blinked rapidly as he tasted the copper from his lip. He looked up as Raph rushed over to him, picking him up gently and sitting down on the tiled floor with Leo cuddled in his lap.

"Shhh, it's okay, Fearless." Raph whispered as he ran his fingers up and down the leaf green skin on his arms. Leo bit his lip as he nuzzled into his younger brother's neck. "Don, I think he's had enough questioning for today." He snapped. Mikey rushed over and knelt down next to them.

"Leo?" He waited a second before Leo looked up, smiling tearfully at him.

"Hey, Mikey..."

"I made you pancakes... Normal pancakes. I thought maybe if you woke up today, then you'd have something." He smiled at the happy look that crossed his older brother's face. A few minutes later they were all sitting downstairs in the living room, Mikey was curled up on one side of Leo with Donnie on the other. He was still curled in Raph's lap, but he was munching happily on a pancake.

They all talked lightly, Leo simply listened. They told him how they got here and took care of him. The few little mutant battles they'd had and so on. Raph was running his fingers along Leo's sides, smirking at the small shivers he earned. He could tell everyone was falling asleep, Mikey was leaning against them, snoring lightly. Donnie was drifting off, mumbling softly. April had already went to bed, Casey followed soon after, deciding the turtles probably needed some time alone. That was about two hours ago.

"Raphie..." He froze, shivering as a low moan escaped him. A bright blush covered his face as his leaf green hand covered his mouth quickly. "I um..." Raph smirked before kissing his neck lightly.

"Go to sleep, Fearless. Ya need it," He muttered lightly as he wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Raph, you won't let anyone hurt me...Right?"

"Promise, ain't no one gonna hurtcha..."


	2. The Painful Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo starts remembering the tragic effects that took place during his encounter with Shredder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here's chapter 2 for you ^_^ I hope ya'll enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own own the turtle tots or TMNT. I do own...Hmmmm I can't of anything...My parents own all my stuff...I own my dick! XD Jk I'm a girl...

_Chapter 2: The Painful Awakening_

The redheaded female curled peacefully up against her pillow, hugging it tightly to her chest. Her figure tensing as she yawned, stretching her body out across the queen size bed. She sat up, rubbing her eyes. A large smiled crossed her face as the events from the day before came back to her. They'd spent all day in the living room after Leo woke up, filling him in on the occurrences in New York. The Kraang were still under control of the city, no one was allowed in or out. They hadn't heard anything from Master Splinter since they had last seen each other in the lair, they all feared the worst but Mikey refused to believe it. April swung her legs over, wiggling her toes before getting up. She walked into the hallway, glancing into the smaller room next to her's, giggling at Casey, who was snoring heavily on the floor. She made her way downstairs, quietly leaning against the wall as she stared at the adorable sight in front of her. Looking over at the coffee table and grinning, she grabbed the small old fashioned camera that belonged to her father. She held back a giggle as she held it up, quickly snapping a picture. She placed the camera back on the table, waving the picture around.

They were lying on the couch, Mikey's legs were curled against Donnie's plastron, his upper half was hanging off the couch, his mouth hanging as he snored lightly. Donnie had an arm wrapped around the youngest's shins, his head lolled over onto Leo's thighs. Leo was curled up in Raph's lap, his head resting against his neck. Raph had one arm wrapped around Leo's waist, gripping the side of his shell tightly, and the other was curled around and holding onto his upper back. He had a small smile on his face, his face was nuzzled against his older brother's forehead.

She giggled lightly at the picture before going into the kitchen to start breakfast. She could hear everyone waking up after a few minutes, Mikey skipped into the room while humming to himself. She could feel the happiness in the house again and it made her happy. It was like the old times with her mother and father, expect this time she had her best friends.

"Hey, Mikey,"

"Hyia, April," He grinned at her as he walked over. "Need any help?" She shook her head.

"Nah, you go spend with your big brothers. I'll bring you guys the food, I thought we'd all eat in the living room again." Mikey smiled, nodding as he grabbed a couple sodas out of the fridge before leaving the room.

She sighed as the bacon cooked, washing her hands when she heard the hockey player enter. She glanced behind her.

"Hello, Casey."

"Hey, Red,"

"I thought ya'd be in the living room with the boys," She said, cracking the eggs against the counter before pouring them into the bowl.

"I was, but they're havin' a family moment and I felt a little outta place," She laughed while handing him the bowl.

"Cook," She smiled at him. "Yea I get that. The family moment thing, I've been around for a few of those. It gets kinda awkward if you're not one of them. But it's good for them, for their health. You boys never talk about your feeling in general, they've gotten a lot hidden from each other. I just wish they'd talk to each other and not me," She looked over at Casey with a small smile. "I'm not saying I don't like it that they trust me," She put a large plate of bacon on the table before taking over the eggs. "But there's a lot of secrets that I think would bring them closer if they'd just talk to each other...Bad secrets." She walked over to the cabinet, pulling out six plates. "I wish Master Splinter was here,"

She felt strong arms wrap around her waist, pulling her against his boy. "I'm sure they'll end up talkin' to each other during our stay here. All of them are emotionally drained, it'll happen. We've both seen the way everything changed over the past few months." He kissed her head lightly before walking over to the fridge.

"Casey..."

"I know, Red. I can see the way ya look at 'im, ya don't hava tell me." He smirked lightly at the blush. "But we got bigger problems right now. New York is still under the control of Kraang and the turtles aren't in any condition without their leader, who is beyond broken right now." He smiled at her before walking towards the living room, taking the filled plates with him. She smiled lightly before following. She sat down on the love seat with Donnie, trying not to giggle at the bright blush that covered his face when she leaned against him.

"Hey, I thin' we shou' 'art trainin' toda'" Mikey mumbled through a mouthful of food.

"Mikey, don't talk with food in your mouth." Leo smiled lightly at him. Mikey blushed embarrassingly, swallowing quickly.

"I think we should start training against today," He repeated.

"I don't think we're ready yet,"

"You mean you don't think _I'm_ ready for it?" Leo muttered, crossing his arms.

"I gotta 'gree with Don on this one, Leo. It'a be better to wait till ya healed," Raph said, smirking lightly at the glare Leo sent him.

"And god only knows how long that'll be! The Kraang aren't gonna wait for us to be ready! You know this, Raph!" They all could see the fight coming, the lightening coming from their eyes when they met. April slowly grabbed the plates, glancing at Donnie, who followed her out of the room nervously. Mikey followed Donnie, not wanting to be around during their fight, saying something about needing to be fed Ice Cream Kitty. Casey had already gone outside, leaving the fuming brothers alone.

"What, thata order _leader_." Raph crossed his arm, his anger rising despite his attempts to calm it.

"Raph, I'm not in any condition to be givin' orders. I jus-...I just think that it'd be good for us to train," Leo snapped, his energy was lessening. He just wants to sleep.

"Of course ya do, Splinta junior," Leo glared lightly at him, he knew how much he hated that nickname. "Ima be outside if ya need me, since everyone got fed up and left," Raph sneered at him, standing up and walking out, slamming the door. He knew he should be controlling his anger more right now, or trying harder to, this wasn't gonna end like their normal fights. Leo was too sensitive right now.

Leo sighed as he flinched, pulling his knees to his chest as much as he could without hurting himself. He hated fighting with his immediate younger brother, but it seemed to be affecting him worse than normal. He was so tired, because of what, he didn't know. He didn't feel physically tired, just emotionally drained. He could feel the small, warm droplets dripping down his cheeks. His arms felt like lead, as if he moved them, they would shatter. He rested his head against them, staring down at his plastron. His eyes widened at the deep scars he'd just noticed. He lifted his head, his legs falling. He gently traced them, small flashes of that day flickered through his mind. He could feel the concrete underneath him, the fists smashing to his flesh, the cracking of his bones. He knew it wasn't real, that he was still sitting on the couch in the farmhouse, but the feeling was uncanny. His head shot up, a deep, growling like voice filled his mind.

**_("You're too quiet,")_** He felt the bone in his leg snap. **_("I know you love this,")_** He could feel the light pain shooting through him, confusion clouding his mind. He didn't remember this yesterday. Why didn't he remember this! He didn't know where (this) was even from but it felt so real. **_("You're a whore! You can't tell anyone! You'll disappoint them more! You're a failure. A vile, disgusting whore! You're nothing more than what I've made you! A slutty little whore!)_** He didn't understand, he couldn't place the voice. He knew it, but his mind refused to place it, it was like his mind was trying to delete the person from his memories. He felt a shiver go up his spine, his fingers traced the areas he felt ghost hands taint. His eyes trailed around the small room, trying to ground himself, but the ghost like hands didn't stop moving.

He wanted his brothers...He wanted his brothers that day...But they weren't there...They didn't stop him...He remembered that from the day. The feeling of loss without them. His legs wobbled as he struggled to stand. He wanted to get out of here. He wanted to get the hands off of him. He felt his leg give out, the bone sliding out of place again, he hit the ground. Digging his teeth into his bottom lip, blood dripping from the inside of his mouth. He was weak enough already, he couldn't show anymore! But his body seemed to disagree with him. Tears spilled down his cheeks, memories that he tried running from invading his vision, assaulting him were only _he_ could see. He _begged_ the hands to stop!

_**("Just admit it, you love the feeling! You dirty little slut!")**_ He shook his head violently, trying to block out the voice. He clawed violently at his temples as if it would make them shut up. The little voices that accompanied the main one assaulted him verbally. Screaming insults at him when the deeper voice wasn't talking. He could feel the skin ripping under his fingernails. His head jerked as he dug his teeth into his lip. He couldn't worry them, he was enough of a burden right now as it is...He couldn't make them worry anymore.

_**"Stupid little slut, you think they'll want you back! After what...(Stantic)...Did to you! What you let happen! You were probably (begging) for it, like the good little whore you are! You loved the feeling of his cock digging into you! You were probably moaning, begging him to just fuck you!)** _

He didn't want to admit they were probably right, he didn't know what happened, but they sounded so sure...They didn't seem to be lying. He heard the front door open, loud talking filled the house. Raph's rough voice rippled with laughter. He felt the guilt twist his stomach at the happy sounds coming from them. He pulled himself behind the couch, listening to the five different voices meshed together, speaking happily to each other. The voices got louder. He was going crazy! He was hearing little people now...

He curled against the floor, smaller droplets of blood dripping onto the wood from his temples. He couldn't ask Donnie to help with...He had enough to deal with without his big brother being such a big weakling. Leo stared blankly in front of him, the paint was shipped, dust from years of no cleaning covered the floor. But it wasn't like he was breathing very much. His tears made small, wet puddles on the floor, the wood soaking them quickly. He lightly smacked his head against the back of the couch, knowing Donnie would yell at him later for it, but he couldn't bring himself to think about the consequences. Slowly his light tapping became hard thumping until his head was pounding. He couldn't think, he could barely breath. He wanted to curl up against Raph again. He wanted the other boy to just hold him, tell him everything was going to be okay. He wanted to feel the strong arms squeezing the air out of him, Raph always did that when he hugged people, and he loved it. It made him feel safe. But he knew it would never happen. His feelings were disgusting, wrong and immoral. He wasn't quite sure that happened last night, but he did know that Raph was drunk. Him and Casey had started drinking after they got into the living room. He probably didn't remember anything, and if he did, then he was probably disgusted. Leo dragged his nails across his legs, red lines appearing after a few seconds. He heard someone walk into the living, their feet stopping in the middle of the room.

"Um...Guys? Where's Leo?" It was Mikey, of course he'd notice Leo wasn't on the couch. It wasn't like he could just get up and walk away.

"In the living room?"

"He ain't in here! He's gone." He heard the others footsteps rush into the room, his nose scrunched together. Why'd they seem to care so much...They shouldn't...He's tainted and...Disgusting.

"Raph! What'd you do?" April asked as they turned to the second oldest turtle.

"He was in 'ere when I went outside!"

"Well it isn't like he could have just gotten up and walked away," Donnie said crossing his arms. Leo felt his eyes drift shut, he was trying to focus on the voices but he was so tired. He wanted to sleep. The voices were lulling him to darkness. He smiled lightly as they faded into the darkness along with himself.

"He was in 'ere when I went outside!"

_Leo's Dream_

**_(His footsteps echoed through the dark forest, it's trees swaying, creating menacing shadows that accompanied the loud voices screaming at him. His legs were on fire, cramping tightly as he forced himself to run from his demons. Long claws dug at him, ripping his leaf green shins into shreds. They screamed at him, the voices of his Sensei who blamed him, his brothers he knew he had failed, the retched humans that destroyed everything, and their enemies who wanted to break them. He could feel everything drifting away, the area around him blurred at the edges. He reached his arms out, grasping at the air in front of him. A loud scream hit him as he fell to his knees, a cold, metal cuff slammed onto it, it's blades ripped into the soft flesh as he gasped, dirt and dust filled his lungs. The rough, callused hands crawled up his skin, tearing the flesh. He tried to get up, but the hands were faster, they gripped his shell tightly, one covering his mouth while the other covered his eyes. He felt himself go limp as the blood loss caught up with him._ **

**_"You can't hid from the truth, whooore,"_ **

**_His eyes opened against the brightness, the smell of pumping blood and flesh bubbling as it burned. His head lolled to the side, the coldness struck his bruised flesh._ **

**_(He was running, the voices plagued him. The voices of the humans that detested them, his brothers that he'd failed, his sensei who knew him for what he truly was, their enemies who...Well their enemies. He felt the hands grabbing at him, trying to pull him back into the abyss. He struggled, running until his leg shatter. A metal cuff slammed into it, it's blades ripping the flesh as he face planted into the ground. The hands crawled up him, tearing at the flesh they could reach. He forced himself up, the claws latched onto the green skin on his legs, ripping it off. He heard himself scream, but he kept running._ **

**_"YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM YOUR MEMORIES, VILE WHORE!"_ **

**_He shuddered as he placed his foot down on the dirt, the environment fluttered around him before changing. He collided with the concrete wall, his nose began gushing blood as he fell back onto his shell._ **

**_He felt hard, rough hands grip his hips, dragging him back. He kicked his legs blindly as the monster that wasn't there. His back arched as he screamed, his eyes fluttering._ **

**_(He could smell the blood on the ground near his head. He opened his eyes, this was different. This wasn't the forest he was just in. The goddess like white snow tapped gently against the ground, its white coldness reminds him of the innocence he no longer possesses. He coldness hit him in waves every time he felt that vile thing rip into his again. He was distracting himself from the grip on his hips as the scarred man violently buried himself into the bloodied entrance of the teen. The snow ran her cold, unfeeling hands across his bare plastron, leaving a numbing feeling in his wake. He shivered against the coldness. The rough hands tightened against his hips, the thrusting began uneven as loud moans filled his ears. He couldn't look down, he couldn't see who in this vile dream was causing him this pain. He wasn't in control, all he could do was look out onto the field he'd fought on, the snow lightly hitting his face before it melted and the painful thrusting. He felt himself flinch as the man or thing inside him released himself. A warm substance filled his body and he choked on a sob. He forced his eyes open watching the other man stand up. All he could see was a blurry dark shape. Everything was crystal clear, but the man. He couldn't see the man. He felt himself being picked up, roughly thrown over the jagged shoulder. His eyes opened and closed as he watched them walk away, confusion seemed to be blurring his reality. He was tossed into an armored car, his head was pounding painfully as he looked at the doors. The blurred figure stood there, glaring at him as a man he'd never seen before climb in the back, clutching a gun. He bit his lip, shaking his head as he told himself to focus. He had to see who the man was. He continued to blink, shaking his head violently. He looked up, his eyes going wide as he suddenly wished he wouldn't have tried so hard to see it._ **

**_Shredder sneered at him before looking at the man._ **

**_"Get this (vile whore) out of my site, I can't stand to look at him anymore."_ **

**_He could feel the blood draining from his face, along with his body. He heard Shredder say something about his brothers being at April's apartment. Everything seemed to rush back to him, a bit too quickly for his liking.)_ **

Leo shot up, a scream scratched his throat before he could stop it. His hand slapped down his mouth seconds too late. He didn't want to deal with people. He needed to get this off his chest. He wished he didn't but he remembered the rest of what happened that day, and that was a secret he wanted to take to the grave. But he knew right now, he was too exposed. He was too emotionally drained to try and lie if they asked. He knew he would give in, give up and tell them, and he would be weaker.

He looked up as the bedroom door opened, Raph slowly walked in. A worried look on his face.

"Hey, ya okay?"

"It's fine, Raph. I just...I don't wan-" He glanced around, suddenly noticing for the first time he was in one of the rooms.

"Leo, I,"

He cursed himself as he felt the bed dip next to him. "Why am I in here?" He muttered, trying to change the subject.

"Cause ya thought takin' a nap behin' the couch was a smart idea, had 's worr'ed sick," Raph stated, leaning against the pillow next to Leo. The oldest looked down, trying to hold in his emotions.

"Sorry," He muttered lightly, glancing around until his eyes landed on the broken katana. "I'm fine, Raph. You can leave," He whispered, crossing his arms. Raph sighed before shaking his head.

"I ain't leavin' ya here, not when ya like 'is," Leo sighed, before looking over at Raph. His eyes were hollow and dull. "And ya can't make me leave, Fearless," He looked down before sighing again, leaning against the buff boy.

"Okay, but...Please don't try and get me to talk about it...Please?"

"Promise, as long as ya'll let me just hold ya right now," Leo grinned lightly before relaxing. "I'ma take that as a ya," He smiled lightly as the dozed turtle resting on his plastron before picking him up. He slid down the side of the bed, shifting Leo so he was lying in between his legs. He let out a breath as the blue clad male curled his hands against him, his nose nuzzled into Raph's neck. "Night, Fearless," He smiled at the incoherent mumble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I just want to make sure that people know that Casey and April aren't gonna be a couple in this! In this he understands that she likes Donnie.  
> Also I'm kinda new to the site so I didn't know how to use the italics and bold in the first chapter but from now on it'll have those. ^_^ 
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always appreciated and loved! ^_^


	3. Fallen One's Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey and Raph talk about the turtle's feelings for Leo.   
> Leo is plagued with nightmares and flashbacks and takes matters into his own hands to release his pain, only to have dire consequences.   
> He admits to his brothers the truth of what happened that day after Mikey breaks down, and his brothers have a conversation on how to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update, I'm really enjoying writing this! And I hope ya'll are enjoying reading! ^_^ I just wanted to say that Casey and April aren't gonna be a couple in this. He's gonna grow a crush on Karai. I ship them ^_^ April will...Favor her feelings for Donnie.

 

_Chapter 3: Fallen One's Truth_

Leo apologized to them the next day, reluctantly meeting their eyes. He smiled lightly at April who was trying to keep them from asking questions. He was glad about that, with questions came answers, answers that he didn't wish to share. He could feel Raph's eyes on him all day, it was unnerving. Currently they were training, well everyone but Leo. He sat lazily on the porch, a bright flush on his face. He thought back on the night before, being cuddled against the warm, strong, muscular body. Feelings those arms wrapped around him, pulling him against the ragged, scared plastron. The feeling of safeness he felt, the first time in the past few days he was actually able to sleep without nightmares. He knew this wasn't Raph's fault...Acting like this. He had never been one for physical contact unless it was fighting, it meant a lot. He was being so caring and sweet, Leo knew the reason why was because of his injuries, but that didn't stop his feelings from growing rapidly. Because of Raph's lack of contact before this, it makes it so much more...Addicting now. The overwhelming need to be held was killing him, he just wanted to be allowed to curl up against the strong chest. But he wasn't allowed, he was disgusting. These feelings were wrong, and he knew it. But that didn't stop them from growing.

He stared down at the ground, a small smile on his face as his face heated. He was so deep in thought he didn't notice the two sets of eyes on him.

"Hey, Raph, I think somethin's wrong with Leo," Casey said as he watched the turtle's head shoot up, staring at the boy on the porch.

"Why ya think that?"

"He looks love struck," He felt Raph glare at him. "What, he does," He smirked lightly as the two sat down against one of the trees.

"Ye-yea he does..." Raph muttered as he sighed, pulling his knees up. They didn't say anything for a few minutes until April came out, handing them two glasses of lemonade before going and sitting next to Leo. "Ya gotta give up on her, Case."

Casey slowly nodded, smiling lightly. "I could say the same to ya 'bout Leo, but we both know you're feelin's are a lot stronger than mine." Casey grinned at the glare Raph sent him. "And besides, I met someone on the day of 'he invasion."

"Oh, really? She have a huge pink head that was drippin' in ooz and tentacles, never knew ya was into tentacles. Damn, gonna star in tentacle porn?" Raph laughed with a smirk.

"No! She wasn't mutated, at least not by the Kraang...She was scaly, like a snak-"

"Karai?! Ya've gotta be kiddin' me, ya fallin' for our adopted sista?"

"Wait, that was Karai?"

"Ya fallin' for tha chick that poisoned ya, nice." He muttered, closing his eyes as a goofy grin crossed his face. A low groan like growl escaped his lips.

"Ya thinkin' 'bout somethin', Raaaphie," Once the other looked at him, Casey winked, smirking at the annoyed blush that crossed his face.

"No! I ain't thinkin' 'bout nuthin',"

"Hahaha, sure. Come on, let's go check on ya lover boy," Raph elbowed him roughly once they were standing, causing the other boy to laugh.

* * *

It was hours later, Leo was curled up in one of the beds upstairs. Mikey had helped him up here a few minutes ago. He'd never felt so dammed useless, couldn't even make it upstairs by himself. It reminded him of when they were younger and he couldn't lift his swords. His brothers could pick their's up, but he couldn't. He was so depressed for almost a week until his brothers helped him feel better. They stopped picking on him about it after they caught him crying. He hadn't felt like this since then, he was six.

There was an uncomfortable lump in his throat, his stomach growling loudly but he couldn't eat. He rocked back and forth, trying to keep his tears at bay. His eyes glazed over as they flickered wildly, landing on the broken blade of his katana.

He whimpered, the calmness that had overcome him a few hours prior had completely evaporated. There was a tightening in his stomach, making him wanna cry. His head pounding harshly against his skull, the longing feeling for the arduous burning filled him. He sighed, rubbing his arms until red lines covered the areas he scratched. He threw his head against the pillow, allowing silent screams to escape him. He wished Raph would come and hold him again, squeezing him until he couldn't think straight. Those arms wrapped around him, stroking his sides gently. But he couldn't rely on Raph, or his feelings. Tears streamed down his face, he struggled not to cry out loud. His eyes traveled along the jagged and sharp edges of his katana, his fingers twitching.

_"FREAK! You're a faggot, a freaky, mutant faggot. You deserve **Everything** that's happened to you. You'll deserve this pain, just do it!" _He whimpered again, his fingers wrapping slowly around the sharpened blade. His breath came out in uneven gasps, his toes curled as he lifted the weighted metal. He could see the dent form in his skin as he pressed the tip of the blade into the softened skin. Rotating his hand, the blade ripping the skin softly. Blood bubbled to the surface, it's brilliant crimson liquid shined in the moonlight, dripping down the side of his arm, leaving an even thin line of blood in it's path. The voices took over, harshly bring the blade down and over until three different lines dripped from his arm. He leaned against the bed frame, his heart thumping lightly. He sucked his lips nervously, lazily slicing the blade across his skin. Not taking notice when he pressed too hard against his wrist and slid it across. Blood formed quickly against the slit flesh, dripping to the floor quickly. His eyes fluttered open, dizziness hit him as he stared at his wrist. They widened as he finally noticed the amount of blood he was losing. He reached his left hand blindly around, trying to find his T-Phone, once his fingers grazed the shell he sighed. He brought it down with a shaking hand, breathing heavily as he stared at the blurred screen before hitting one of the random contacts. He leaned it against the shoulder that was resting on the bed. He could feel himself losing consciousness.

"Leo? Wh-"

"Mi-Mikey...He-elp," He breathed out before the phone hit the floor, his eyes closing.

"LEO!"

* * *

He woke up a few hours later, his wrists bandaged tightly. He was curled up on the couch, Mikey was sitting in front of him. He groaned, trying to sit up only to have two strong hands shove him down again.

"Na, na, na...Ya'll be stayin' down for a while, really did a numba on yerself, Fearless." Leo looked up, meeting bright emerald eyes.

"I...What happened?" He whispered, guilt filled his heart at the tear stained faces of his baby brothers.

"What happened..." Mikey muttered from his position on the floor. His bloodshot eyes came up and met Leo's. "What happened! You nearly bleed out, dude! Donnie was up all night trying to keep ya alive! Ya know how worried we were! I-I..." His arms dropped as he stopped yelling, his eyes filling with tears again. "Leo, I can't lose my big brother," He whispered as tears streamed down his face. He felt leaf green arms wrap around his shell, his brother's face nuzzled his forehead lightly. "Who else is suppose to calm me down after nightmares, or keep Raph from killing me, or destroy the toaster when it's mean to me! I thought we almost lost you again! You can't do 'his t-to me, L-Leo! You can't leave us, y-yo-you've gotta trust us! Something's wrong and it's gonna ki-kill you one of t-these days!" He sobbed helplessly into his big brother's plastron. Leo looked down in horror at his bandaged wrists, trying to remember the night.

"I ain't going anywhere, Mikey..." He murmured softly, doubt in his mind at the rate he was going.

"You've gotta stop this! Leo, please!"

_"I could just take your little brother instead...What's his name again? The little orange one with the kumchucks, Michelangelo. I'm sure you wouldn't want that, would you?"_ He gave up for the little brother that was currently breaking in his arms. He'd let Shredder have his way with him to keep Mikey out of it, and though...Deep down he didn't want to tell his brothers how he had failed. But the amount of pain he was causing them was worse than the shame he'd feel.

"I'm so sorry..." He whispered, pushing Mikey back gently, staring at him. "I..." He opened his mouth before closing it. Tears brimmed his eyes and he licked his lips. He pulled back completely, running his hand down his face. "I've um...Started remember something else that happened the day of 'he invasion." His throat tightened painfully, swallowing down the nervousness he felt. It was just him and his brothers. He could do this.

_"Freak! They'll be disgusted, ya little whore!"_ He flinched, whimpering quietly. He was glad that none of his brothers made of move to " _comfort_ " him. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to figure out how to tell them. "He was um...Shredder...He was getting tired of Master Splinter not finishing their fight...Soooo...He, ah... He said that Splinter would have to if he " _stepped_ " up his game." He could feel another panic attack coming, but he forced it away. This wasn't easy...And the burning in his arm was slightly distracting...It made him just want to relax but he needed to tell them. He had to get this off his shell before he did something that would hurt them again. Tears dripped from his eyes as he struggled not to sob. "Um..." He muttered lightly, not sure how to continue.

"Leo, it's okay...You can tell us," Donnie said from his position next to him. Leo started shaking his head, trying to hold back his tears.

"No...N-no I can't! I...I gave up..." He bit his lip while swallowing nervously. "H-he beat me...They all did. I-I...I couldn't move. Everything was so numb, but it hurt! I couldn't fight him. I'd lost so much blood already, I couldn't stand. I could barely move... He sent the others away, told 'em to go and find you guys. I thought he was gonna kill me," He heard Mikey whimper into his hand, trying not to make sounds. "I wish he would have killed me..." He reluctantly admitted, a lump in his throat as Mikey started sobbing again. He could feel Raph's eyes on him and he looked up nervously.

"Leo,"

"No, I..." He held a shaking hand up to Donnie, who had started talking. "Please just let me finish...Because I don't think I'm gonna be able to try this again." He whispered, intertwining his hand with Mikey, who looked up at him. "He said that...He wanted to break me...He um...He pinned me against the wall, saying something...I couldn't really hear. Everything was kinda blurry, I..um...I remember him ripping my weapons belt off..." He felt Raph tense next to him. "H-he told me...That he could take me back to you guys..." He heard himself whisper. Mikey looked at him, tears staining his face.

"Why didn't you!?"

Leo sighed. "He said I could go back to you guys...And he'd take Mikey instead..." He almost didn't say it out loud, but he could feel the terrified feelings coming off his brothers.

"L-Leo..." Mikey whispered, not being able to interrupt his brother anymore.

"I gave up...I couldn't take the chance of him going after you guys..." His breathing was coming out in rapid gasps now, he felt Raph's arms wrap around him.

"Leo, you don't have to finish right now."

"N-no...I...I have to!"

"Leo! You're gonna pass out if you don't control your breathing," Donnie said, kneeling in front of his older brothers.

"N-no I...I have to finish. I can't...I can't relive this again! Pl-please, Don..." He felt his body fall limply forward, the floor looking welcoming and cold. _He'd be raped..._ It finally hit him.

"Leo,"

"He...Raped me?" He whispered numbly, quietly enough, none of them heard what he said, just that his mouth moved.

"Wha?" Leo looked up, his breathing calming down as tears streamed freely from his eyes.

"He raped me..." He repeated, slightly louder this time, his voice cracking. But they heard. He felt Raph's arms tighten around him, the muscular body behind him tensed. "I couldn't see anything, I wish I hadn't felt anything..." He leaned his head back against Raph's plastron, small tears dripping down his temples. "He pinned me against a wall...I can feel his hands on me! They're everywhere...He told me he'd stop...He'd bring me back to you guys...I wanted to come back! I really did! B-But...I couldn't...I..."

"He-"

"There was so much pain...And blood...There was so blood, and snow...There was snow...It was really pretty," He smiled lightly up at the tear stained face of his brother. "All shiny and pretty...Like sugar, but it melted when it hit me...It was really cold, the concrete...he threw me on...It hurt my shell, he kept yanking on it." He whispered, a lost edge in his voice as he reached his arm behind his back and gently rubbing his pointer finger against the broken edge. His eye ridge scrunched together as he felt the dent in the corner, a large chunk of the shell was missing. "I couldn't do anything...Just the feeling of him...Inside me...It hurt so much, there was so much burning and pain and...God I just wanted to stop feeling him..." He clenched his eyes together as he pulled at the bandages on his wrists. "I just wanted it ta stop... It's everywhere...The feeling of his hands is everywhere...I can't sleep, or eat, or anything...He's always there, muttering stuff to me..." He shifted, his eyes squeezing together as he pulling his legs together tightly.

"Leo, what does he say to you?" Donnie asked softly, ignoring the looks from Mikey and Raph that clearly told him to shut up.

"...The normal things...I guess...He kept saying that I failed...That I belonged to him...He kept calling me a whore, saying that I want it and that's why I gave up..." He was reduced to a whisper by the end, tears streaming from his eyes. He shook his head violently, his fingers coming up to his temples, scratching at the skin harshly.

"Raph, stop him!" He felt his arms bring pulled back, strong arms wrapped around him. Soft murmurs in his ears.

"Shh, it's okay, dude. Ain't no one gonna hurt-cha anymore," Mikey crawled forward, sending a tearful smile at the shivering boy.

"No, he's right...It was m-my fault! It..It was my f-fa-fault...It had to be..." Leo licked his lips nervously, rubbing his eyes.

"No! Leo if it was anyone's fault...It's mine..." Mikey said, his arms shaking as he cried. Leo's head shot up before pushing himself out of Raph's arms. He wrapped his arms around his baby brother, who gripped onto him.

"NO! This wasn't your fault,"

"B-But...He used me to get to you...A-and th-that makes it m-my fault," He sobbed into his plastron. Leo shook his head, forcing himself not to cry.

"No, that doesn't make it your fault. It makes him a spineless coward. Mikey," He lifted the younger boy's chin, smiling down at him softly. "This isn't your fault, this will never be **_your_** fault." Mikey smiled tearfully at him before nuzzling into his plastron again. He could bring himself to look at the others. He was so scared.

"L...Leo?" Breath, just breath. He turned his head lightly to his two other brothers.

"This isn't yer fault eitha, ya know?" Raph muttered, staring worriedly at his brother. Leo just swallowed before turning his head again. He gently squeezed Mikey before pulling back, leaning against the couch.

"Dis ain't yer fault, Leo," Raph repeated, pulling the silent boy into his arms again, fearing at first he could reject the contact. Leo spun around lightly before cuddling into his neck.

"Yea it is...I was weak...I couldn't defeat them, and it put you guys in danger." He scowled himself quietly.

"It didn't put us in danger, it put you in danger! Leo, you've gotta look out for yourself." Donnie said gently, him and Mikey were now sitting in front of the other two. All of them in a little huddle.

"I can't...I've gotta look out for you guys. I'll do anything to make sure you don't get really hurt...And I can't even do that now."

"Leo, we love you, but you can be really stupid sometimes. You don't gotta protect us all the time, exceptionally if it's gonna hurt you." Mikey said, hugged his brother.

"But I,"

"Shhhh," Mikey lazily covered his lips with a finger, a small smile on his face. "Thank you...For doing that...Even though it was stupid." His oldest brother smiled lightly, his stomach growling loudly, causing the turtle to blush brightly.

"Let's go get somethin' to eat, guys." Donnie said, sending a comforting smile at them. Raph slowly helped Leo get up, the other boy still shaking. He cuddled against the immediate younger brother once they were standing, nuzzling into his neck. Small tears dripped from his eyes as he tried to calm himself down.

_'They don't hate you...Why don't they hate you...'_ He felt Raph pick him up bridal style, causing him to look up.

"Raph, I can walk."

"Ya, ya but I wanna carry ya right now," He muttered after Donnie and Mikey walked out of the room. Leo blushed before scrunching his nose.

"But I can walk,"

"Well, I wanna carry ya, so I'm gonna carry ya." Raph smirked at the blush, before bit his lip. He tightened his grip on the boy. "Ya know I...I know we fight a lot...But I do love you." His face heated lightly at the confession, Leo smiling up at him. Though it wasn't the confession either wanted, it was nice.

"Y-yea, I know...And I love you too, Raph." He whispered into his neck.

"What Shredder did...It wasn't your fault..."

"It feels like it..." Leo murmured lightly, tears brimming his eyes. Raph pulled the shivering boy harder against his plastron, holding him up with one arm and using the other to wipe away the tears. He shook his head at Mikey who had come to get them. The youngest nodded before running back outside.

"Come on, let's go get sumethin' to eat, Fearless." Leo nodded, not making any move to get down. "Ya gonna let 'e carry ya?" He mumbled something as he closed his eyes, Raph taking that as a yes. He walked outside, glaring at the snickering turtles.

They drove in silence, the situation in the front of all their minds. The four turtles were all sitting in the front, Donnie was driving with Raph sitting next to him. Leo was almost completely in his lap, his face nuzzled into the other's plastron while clutching his youngest brother's hand. Mikey was staring out the window, tears streaming down his face. He was getting some comfort from his brother, but the guilt was overwhelming for the normally ecstatic turtle. They got four pizzas, eating in the back of the van. None of them were quite ready to go back to the farmhouse. They all ate in silence, Mikey was picking as his absentmindedly.

"Mikey, are you okay?" Donnie asked worriedly. The youngest looked up, licking his lips.

"Yea, I'm just not very hungry..." Mikey muttered as he leaned against the wall. "I wanna go to sleep, do you think we can go back now?" Donnie nodded before returning to the front of the car. They returned in silence, Leo had already fallen asleep. Mikey volunteered to take him upstairs, which he did. After he made sure Leo was asleep, he went into the other room, curling up against the pillows.

' _It's my fault...He did it for me...Because I wouldn't be strong enough to take on Shredder...'_ Low sobs slowly became louder. He tried to stifle them in the pillow, but he didn't have the energy. Soon enough his eyes closed, his sobs depleted and he fell asleep.

Donnie went out to the garage, working blankly on the truck as his thoughts focused on his older brother and the events that had overcome him. Raph was outside, trying his best to murder an innocent tree. His fists were bloodied and bruised, sweat dripped down his forehead as he struggled not to cry.

"Those. Fucking. Bastards!" He cursed out with each hit, a large dent the size of his fist in the center of the wood. "I'm gonna kill 'em all! I'm gonna skin 'em with my sai's until their blood drippin' through my fingers!" He sneered at his invisible opponent, dropping to his knees as tears streamed down his face. He clutched his throbbing knuckles as he stumbled over to the shied Donnie was working in.

"Don?" He mumbled lightly as he dropped, exhausted, into one of the chairs. The genius brother spun around, sighing at the sight of Raph's hands.

"You okay, Raph?" He muttered lightly as he picked his hands up, wiping away the blood with a cloth.

"...No! I wanna go back ta New York and skin Shredder alive!" He said angrily, looking off to the side.

"Believe me, we all do, Raph. I want nothing more than to make that dick pay, but we can't do that to Leo right now. He's not in the physical state, let alone mentally. We don't know what would happen if he sees him again, and we can't take that chance. And that's just him, the three of us aren't any better. Mikey's blaming himself, though he won't say it, he is. You're emotionally unstable and I'm not any better than you. We can't do that." Donnie responded as he wrapped his older brother's hand. "Give it a few days, try not to punch anything, okay?" Raph nodded, sighing.

"Why 'id they hava do that!? Out of all the things Shredder coulda done, why'd he have to do that! ...We can fix him, right?"

"We can try, Raph...But this isn't like losing a fight...He was sexual violated...I have been reading up on things we can try to do to help."

"Like what?" A small voice came from the door, causing the other two to jump. Mikey smiled nervously at them as he walked in slowly. Donnie moved over on the old couch April had moved out there for him, staring sadly at his little brother as he sat down.

"Well, according to studies, the victim believes it's their fault, as we already witnessed. So we've gotta help him believe that it wasn't his fault, that it was Shredder's doing and his choice, not Leo's." He started as he pulled the computer into his lap. His large fingers scrolling down the page. "He's going to have to rebuild feelings of trust, safety, control and self-worth,"

"Self-worth?" Mikey leaned against the worn out fabric.

"Yea, that would normally explain why he felt the need to harm himself, but..." He stopped, a feeling settling in his stomach.

"What're ya not tellin' us, Don?"

Donnie sighed, avoiding his brothers eyes. "He had more scars...That were made from self harming..."

"What's that mean?" Mikey asked nervously, his eyes were widened.

"This isn't the first time he's...Cut himself," Donnie whispered out, staring at the screen.

"On purpose..." Mikey murmurer, tears fillings his eyes.

"Yea...And it says that, with this happening, he's got a higher risk of depression, anxiety, self-loathing, suicidal thoughts/actions, stuff like that. He's more likely to try this again, and there's a chance he won't call one of us next time."

"Ya mean Fearless would try n ki...Kill 'imself?" Raph muttered, his eyes flickering violently around the room.

"It's likely, people who get.." Donnie cleared his throat. "Raped or sexually assaulted, they tend to be more suicidal and depressed. They have nightmares about the event, blaming themselves. He probably thinks that he deserved that Shredder did to him, that he physically begged for it."

Michelangelo's eye ridge scrunched together. "Why would he think that?"

"Because that's how he blames himself, thinking that what happened he deserved. Like he was asking for it."

"How do we make him not feel like that?"

"We just have to be patient with him, if not...His depression'll get worse," Donnie said as he wrapped an arm around Mikey's shaking shoulders.

"And if he's depression gets worse...He'll do _that_ again..." The youngest murmured out, staring sadly at the door. "Do you think he's okay right now?" Raph nodded, sitting between his brothers. He wrapped his arms around them, gripping Donnie's shell tightly.

"He's gonna be okay, Mikey...We're gonna be here for him...And we'll make it through this, and then we'll go back to New York and get Masta Splinta and beat the shit outta scarface!" He kissed the crying boy lightly on the head as he stared in front of him. "Everythin's gonna be alright..."

* * *

_Next morning_

Raph opened his eyes, his back was sore from lying on the couch all night. He slowly unwrapped his brothers from his body, his limbs popping numbly. He caught Donnie before he fell, lying him gently on the couch next to a snoring Mikey. He stretched, flexing his muscles. His mind recapped the events and confession from the day before, a painful twisting in his stomach as he remembered when they first saw Leo after he called Mikey.

* * *

**_Flashback_ **

"G-guys! I think something's wrong with Leo!" He had been sitting on the porch with Casey drinking soda when he heard his brother's call. He shot up, the drink spilling onto the ground as he bolted into the kitchen, Casey right behind him. Donnie and April rushed in through the back door. Mikey was holding his T-phone close to his ear slit, tears filling his eyes.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Donnie grabbed Mikey, pulling the phone away. "What's wrong?!"

"L-Leo, he just called m-me and he said help and then it's nothing! There's no sounds an-" Before he could finish Donnie yanked him up the stairs, Raph was in front of them with Casey. The largest turtle froze in the doorway, his eyes went wide as he stumbled into the room.

"L-Leo?" He whispered out as he climbed frantically onto the bed. He knocked the katana off the bed as he lifted the limp turtle up. Blood soaked through the sheets of the mattress from the deep gashes that covered their older brother's arms, the thick crimson substance dripped down onto Raph's plastron as he clutched Leo to his chest. "Donnie! GET IN HERE!" He cried out, tears streamed from his eyes. His fingers lightly grazed the split skin, the blood had clotted into a large puddle.

"Oh my god...Mikey, get another bowl of warm water and a cloth! April get the first aid kit! Raph, I need you to pay attention! Just make sure that the cuts don't reopen!" Donnie said, taking over control quickly. Mikey and April ran out of the room, April quickly telling him that she would get everything. The youngest turtle nodded, tears streamed down his face as he struggled not to hyperventilate. Casey walked over to the other side of the bed, staring at his panicked best friend.

"Raph, come on dude. I know this is scary, but you've gotta calm down, for Leo, dude." Raph looked down at the turtle, stroking the side of his face lovingly.

"We're gonna lose him...One of these days and I'm never gonna have him. He's never gonna know how much I love him..." He whispered, tears dripping from his eyes as he kissed the cold forehead softly. He stared longingly at his lips, wishing the other was awake so he could tell him. So he could kiss him without feeling like he was violating him. He caressed his thumb across the lower lip, Casey smirking at him.

"Kiss him," Raph shook his head, biting his lip roughly as tears filled his eyes again.

"I...I can't, not right now...Not like this," He said as he kissed his forehead again. He didn't seem to notice when his lips traveled down, pecking his nose lightly as his fingers rubbed his cheek softly. His lips hovered over the leafy green colored ones, brushing against them. He could feel the others breath hit his lower lip as he gently cupped his cheek. He heard Donnie coming up the stairs and he jumped back, his face was flushed when he realized what he'd done. Casey smiled at him before the others returned. They made a silent vow to never speak of what just happened.

Donnie quickly cleaned the wounds, Mikey was sobbing loudly in the corner at the sight. April helped him gauze the wounds, grimacing at the deep gashes on his wrists.

"He'll be okay, just..He needs some rest. Let's move him downstairs so we can watch him." Donnie muttered sadly, leaning against April as he struggled not to break down. For the first time he didn't go over cloud nine when she kissed his head, or when she wrapped him in her arms. Raphael and Casey moved the sleeping boy downstairs, lying him on the couch. April and Casey had gone outside to train, leaving the emotional boys together, deciding they needed some time with each other.

**End of Flashback**

* * *

He touched his lips lightly as he walked out of the shied, his fist was still sore as he opened the door. He walked into the farmhouse, light talking coming from the living room. He peaked in, Leo and April were sitting on the couch talking quietly. Neither had noticed the looming eyes.

"Leo, what Shredder did," Leo flinched at the name but didn't say anything. "It wasn't your fault, sweetie." She spoke softly to the shaking boy. Her arm was resting around his shoulders, a small smile on her face. "I know this is gonna take a while for you to heal and learn to deal with this, but this," She rubbed the gauze lightly. "It won't heal you. You've got people who care about you, even if you don't really believe it."

"What makes you think I don't believe it?" He asked quietly, fiddling with his fingers.

"Because you've showed up to my window three times balling your eyes out, and then there was the time I had to bandage your arms against because your brothers decided to be rude and write on your katana...After you dozed off you woke up a few times, mumbling about those sort of things." She smiled lightly at him as she kissed his cheek lightly. "And besides, Casey told me something 'bout..." Her voice got too low for Raph to hear, but a smile crossed his face at the bright blush that covered Leo's face.

"Th-That's not true...T-that can't be true," He muttered as he covered his eyes. April smiled lightly at him before giggling.

"It's true, sweetheart," Leo shook his head.

"Well, even if it did happen...Not like it would happen now, not when I'm like this..." He whispered sadly as he pulled his knees up again.

"Like what?"

"Tainted..." Raph decided it was time to make his presence known. He slammed the door loud enough for them to hear before walking into the room.

"Hey," He said as he sat down next to Leo, who smiled at him. "Ya doin' okay?" He asked, touching his arm lightly. He swallowed painfully at the flinch. Leo leaned against him, scrunching his nose up lightly.

"I'm doing better, I um...I told April..'bout what happened," He said lightly as he bit his lip.

"Hey, I'm gonna go make breakfast, sweetie," She smiled at them before leaving the room.

"Ya gonna be okay, Fearless?" Raph shifted lightly before pulling Leo onto his plastron, gently rubbing his fingers over his shell.

"Why are you calling me Fearless? I...I don't deserve that nickname anymore, not that I deserved it in the first place..." Leo looked up at him, his dull blue eyes that once shined with confidence was shattered in an illusion.

"Leo," Raph, wrapped his arms around Leo's waist, pulling him up. He forced him to look at him, holding his chin gently. "If anythin' ya deserve tha nickname more than anythin' right now," He smiled at the confused look his brother sent him. "Ya took on the Kraang, droids, Razhar, Fishface, Tiger Claw and that douchebag, all by yourself even though you knew you couldn' beat 'em all, yer amazin', Fearless." He kissed his forehead lightly, running his hands down to Leo's sides, gently tickling his sides. Leo squirmed, giggling lightly against his neck.

"Thank you for being here, Raph,"

"I'll always be here for ya, Leo." He muttered as he tightened his grip, leaning his head back as his eyes drifted close. "Take a nap, babe," He whispered, not noticing the shocked blush that covered Leo's face or the smile that replaced it. He nuzzled into his neck as he curled up, his eyes closing.

* * *

_Three hours later_

Light snickering woke Leo up, his blue eyes opened. Mikey's face was a few inches away from his, a huge smile on his face.

"Mikey, wha' 're ya doin'" Leo mumbled tiredly, rubbing his eyes.

"Watching you two _snuggle_." He giggled at the blush that crossed his big brother's face. Leo looked down at the body he was lying on, his legs were tangled with Raph's. His arms tucked under Raph's shell as his face nuzzled into his bicep.

"Shut up, Mikey," He groaned out as he started to push himself off the physically stronger turtle, only to have the two arms wrapped around him tighten, Raph's legs circled around his until he couldn't move. Raph muttered something incoherent in his ear. "Raph, I need ta get up,"

"Mmm, five mo'e minutes," Raph muttered lightly.

"Raaapph, I've gotta get up," He said again as he pushed against the scared plastron.

"Mmmm fine," Raph muttered again, letting his arms loosen. Leo smiled lightly at the boy as he sat up, glaring at Mikey who started chuckling again. He knew this position looked wrong, and judging by the fact Mikey had snapped a picture he knew he was gonna regret it. He was straddling the almost sleeping boy, his face was flushed as he struggled to wake up. Raph was beneath him, his hands were lazily resting on his hips where they had fallen. A small smirk on his face as he drifted off to sleep again.

"Shut it, Mikey!" He repeated "harshly", a small smile on his face.

"Ya need some help?" Mikey teased lightly, holding his arm out. The older blushed lightly before expecting the help. "Ya want some breakfast?" Leo looked up at his little brother and nodded, taking one last glance at the boy on the couch before walking out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There's chapter three for you guys, I hope ya'll liked it. Please review! It makes me wanna update a lot more, and it means a lot!
> 
> PRETTY PWEEAASSE! ^_^
> 
> Hope ya'll are havin' a great day! I love you!


	4. Of Broken Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long to update!!!! I'll try and update faster next time!! But I'll explain more in the final note 'cause I don't wanna spoil anything. ^_^

The tall hockey player swung his bat forcefully at the weak tree, it's branches falling limply to the ground. Raph had filled him in on the information on that day in New York, it took the normally enraged turtle a few minutes to get the story out without crying. Donnie had told the turtle to rest his hands for a while, so Casey was beating the tree for both of them. Raph sighed as he bounced lightly on the log, his fists clenched as he muttered to himself.  
"I wanna kill 'tha basta' so badly!" He grunted out, looking up at Casey. "W-Why...Why'd he hava do that! Why'd that basta' hava take it too far! It's just a fuckin' feud b-between 'im and Masta Splinta, not us! It's got nuthin' ta do with us! It didn't have nuthin' ta do with L-Leo..."  
"He'll get better, Raph. Relax, dude...If ya wanna help Leo, ya can't be angry...Leo'll take it as yer mad at him, he needs you right now, more than ever, dude." Raph sighed, pulling his knees to his plastron, biting his lip as tears filled his eyes.   
"I-I can't...I can't be there for 'im...I...All I ever wanna do i-is just hold him and kiss 'im and tell 'im how much I love 'im a-and I can't...I c-could in the first place b-but now..." He rubbed his eyes roughly, tears streaming out of them.   
"Dude, stop feelin' sorry for yerself!" Casey snapped, slapping the other harshly. Raph looked up at him, his eyes narrowing. "IF anyone here has that right, it's Leo. Ya gotta stop sulkin' and deal with it, Leo needs help right now! And ya can't be all mopey cause he ain't in the mental state ta be in a relationship, he loves you. More than ya know, anyone could see it before tha' day and I can see it now...But this is fuckin' 'im up, and right now...He needs you more than ever. _He_  needs ya, so stop sulkin' and except that,"   
"I-I..." Raph blinked before sighing, letting his shoulders sag. He looked up and smiled lightly at his best friend. He threw his arms around the boy, startling him. "Thanks, Casey." He smiled again, Casey patting him on the shell lightly, an awkward smile on his face.  
"Yea, no problem, Raph."  
"Okay, enough with the mushy stuff," Raph pushed himself away from the chuckling human.   
"Case is right though, Raph." April said from behind them, a small smile on her face from the rare exposure of emotions from the two. The turtle flushed at her, rubbing his neck.  
"I-I just...Why if he never gets better?"  
"He will, he just needs our help right now! And then once he's ready...We'll go back to New York, get Master Splinter and beat Shredder! We won't let Leo fight him alone." She patted his shall gently, wrapping an arm around his neck.   
"Is he gonna be okay?" Raph whispered out, staring sadly at the ground.  
"Of course he is, he won't let anyone hurt you guys..."  
"That's the problem, April...That's what he's always done, since we were younger...He's always done stuff like this! Like at TCRI...Last year...God I thought he was dead...I was terrified a-and...When he came through that window a-and there was so blood...I-I...It scares me...That he'd give up his life so easily,"  
"I know, Raph...But he's never gonna stop doing that...He feels it's his job to protect you a-and he'll do anything to do that...Now come on, let's go inside.

* * *

  
**_Five Minutes Before: Inside with Leo_ **

  
The older turtle hummed lightly to himself as he stared at the purring cat. He sighed, resting his chin on his arms, her soft meows filling the room.  
"I don't know...I-If I made the right choice ya know? Tellin' 'em about w-what happened..." He whispered, looking up with tears in his eyes.   
"Meow?"  
He smiled lightly, nuzzling the little dairy made feline with his beak. "I di-didn't mean to hurt them...Honestly...I thought he'd have killed me, and I wouldn't have to tell them...What happened...Or ya know, if I did survive...I could just keep it a secret..Like I did l-last time.." He flinched, shaking his head. He wasn't suppose to think about that. Not about (that) day. He swore he was over that...That day...All those years ago. "S-So why is this time any different!?" He begged lightly, tears silently splashing onto the table.   
"Meow," She seemed to sense his distress, meowing loudly as she licked him lightly on the cheek. He laughed lightly, jumping at the coldness.  
"Awwe, this is adorable!" His face flushed as his youngest brother walked in, a smile on his face.   
"Shut it, Mikey." He muttered, smiling slightly at the turtle. Mikey hummed the words to an unknown song as he put Ice Cream Kitty into the freezer, kissing her lightly on the nose before closing the door. He slowly sat down next to his brother, staring worriedly at him.   
"Are ya okay, Leo?"   
Leo looked up, opening his mouth to lie but froze. Baby blue eyes shining with fear, worry and love...He couldn't lie...He couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him anything but the truth. He stared open mouthed at his baby brother, tears filling his eyes. He swallowed, shaking his headed slowly.  
"N-No..." He whispered out, standing up. He stared depressingly out the window, rubbing his bandaged arm, picking at the pink, sore skin. "I-I...I don't to do this anymore..." He whispered out, biting his lip as he tried not to sob. "I never meant t-to hurt you guys! I-I just..."  
"I was scared, Leo...I-I thought we lost you...A-And I was scared! Who was suppose to comfort me after a n-nightmare or s-stop Raph from killing me! And then yesterday...When you called me...I thought we'd lost you again..."  
"I'm sorry!" Leo sobbed quietly.  
"T-Then why do ya do it?"  
"Do what?"  
"D-Donnie said that...Y-you had more scars..From self harming..." Mikey whispered out, leaning against the counter, glancing sideways at him. Leo sighed, closing his eyes.   
"I-I..."  
"You promised you'd never leave! W-hy would you d-do that to yourself?"  
"It-it's not that simple...I-I...I never wanted you guys to find out...About that..."  
"W-What! Why?"  
"I just..I couldn't..." He couldn't seem to find the right words to express his feelings to his baby brother. He didn't have a good reason, it helped? Whenever he had major panic attacks and to hide his feelings from his brothers he would harm himself? It revealed his pain for short time?  
"W-Why would you do that to yourself, Leo?" Mikey asked quietly, tears streaming down his face as he looked up his brother.  
"B-Because...I-it helps..." He sighed heavily as Mikey's eyes went wide. "When th-things get t-to much...I-it helps calm me down...Before I do something stupid l-like...Jump off a b-building..." Leo closed his eyes, tears dripping into the sink below him.   
He felt Mikey's arms wrapped around his neck, broken sobs cascading through his chapped lips.   
"L-Leo...I'm s-so sorry I didn't..."  
"N-no no no, you don't have ta apologize, Mikey..." Whispering out as he wrapped his arms around the tense, crying turtle. "I'm the one that needs to be sorry, I've screwed up everything...Like normal..."   
"No you don't, Leo!"  
"Y-yea...Yea I do...Everyone knows it...Exceptionally M-Master Splinter..." Leo whispered depressive like, his grip tightening. Mikey dug his teeth into his bottom lip, silently listening as his brother cried, tears dripping onto his flesh and sliding down the warmer skin. Mikey's toes dangled off the ground as he wrapped his arms around his sobbing older brother's neck. He decided he couldn't cry, not right now. For the first time in their lives, he was the one comforting Leo. He prided his big brother for always being there for them, always being the shoulder to cry on, always being the strong one when they needed it, no matter how small the issue was he was always there. But now, for the first time, Leo needed them. And he intended to be there for him.  
"L-Leo, what are you talkin' about?"  
"I-I'm a terrible br-brother an-and...I'm a failure as a-a leader and and student...All I do is...Is disappoint people..." Leo sniffled lightly, a high pitched whimper in his throat.   
"No! You're an amazing brother and leader! You're the best brother in the world! A-And anyone who does think so i-is...Well they're wrong!" Mikey snapped, digging his teeth into his lip as he looked up, tears blurring his vision.  
"N-No I'm not...Raph knows it...Sensei knows it...I can't do anythin' right for him...  
"That's not true!"  
"It is too! Nothing I do is good enough f-for Master Splinter....No matter what I do *gasp* it's n-never good enough...A-and I try and I try t-to do anything h-he says so he'll be proud o-of me! B-But it's ne-never good enough an-and then Raph gets mad at me a-and then then we e-end up fighting and t-then M-Master Splinter lectures me b-because I'm not being a g-good l-leader and i-it j-just keeps going! A-And I try t-to get better f-for him by t-training constantly a-and meditating b-but it-it's never good e-enough!" He stuttered out, his body shaking as he clutched his baby brother to his chest. "I just wanna be good enough for him..." He whispered out, nuzzling into Mikey's neck. "W-why ca-can't I do anything r-right for him? Why can't I be good enough?"  
"You are good enough! You're good enough for us!"  
Leo weakly shook his head. "I-I ca...Can't do anything right..."  
"Th-that's not true! Leo, you're the best brother in the world!"  
"N-No," Leo shook his head again, more forcefully this time. " 'm not....I-I'm just a fu-fucking w-worthless whore!" He cried out, nuzzling into the lighter green skinned neck, tears falling from his eyes as he whispered.  
"No! You're n-not a whore! W-What happened wasn't your fault! You've done nothing wrong, not your self h-harming or what happened with S-Shredder..." He felt Leo flinch against him. "Because that wasn't your fault."   
"E-Even i-if what S-Sh..." He bit his lip, taking a deep breath as he tried not hyperventilate. "Shr-Shredder," He choked, a small cry escaping his lips. He slowly breathed out, nuzzling his beak into Mikey's neck. "What Sh-Shredder d-did wasn't my fault..." His shoulders sagged. "W-what happened...A few years ago...T-That was fault..." Mikey looked up, his eye ridge scrunched together. What was he talking about? He didn't get the chance to ask as he felt the arms around him tighten again, he smiled lightly through his tears. "I-I...I shouldn't have gone to the surface..." Leo didn't seem to be planning on saying anything else. They stayed in their position in the middle of the room. Leo was still holding him off the ground, his arms wrapped tightly around his shell. His face buried in Mikey's neck, sobbing quietly. Mikey's arms were wrapped around his neck, whispering words of comfort to him as he stared worriedly at the wall. He glanced up as the back door opened and the three walked in.   
"Hey gu- oh...Um...Guys?" April slowly walked over to them, Casey and Raph behind her. Mikey smiled lightly at her and he shrugged, his brother made no move to let him go.  
"Leo?" He whispered, sighing when the other boy didn't respond, he simply stared in front of him at the inside of Mikey's shell. He looked up at April. "I-I think he's in shock or something," He said quietly.  
"Well, what happened!" Raphael quickly pushed pass Casey, knocking him against the wall as he rushed over to the boys.   
"W-we were talking and..He's just...He's really upset..."  
"Hey, Leo?" Raph asked quietly, gently brushing his finger against the silent boy's cheek. Leo flinched slightly before looking up, his dull eyes glazed with tears and his lip trembled.   
"R-Raphie...?" He whispered out, slowly placing Mikey on the ground. He swallowed painfully as he unwrapped his arms from his baby brother, his face was flush as he stared at Raph. His lip trembled as he stumbled back, tears dripped down his face. " 'M s-sorry!" His knees gave out, slamming his body into the ground. April squeaked lightly as he cried out, his leg snapping out of place. Raph rush towards him only to freeze when he backed up, muttering incoherently.  
"Whoo, hey, baby..." Raph kneeled down in front of him, holding hands out gently, his palms facing the floor. "It's okay, c'mere...I ain't gonna hurtcha, baby," Raph said softly, holding his arms out. Leo stared at him, blinking back the tears as he sniffled. He stumbled forward, Raph catching him just before he fell. "Eeh, easy there, tiger..." He whispered gently, shifting so he was sitting down, pulling Leo into his lap. "It's gonna be okay, baby boy," Mikey smiled at the nickname, sitting on the floor next to them.  
" 'M sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." Leo tensed as he struggled to keep his sobs inside. "I'm sorry..." He muttered lightly as he clutched Raph's shell between his fingers, rubbing his thumb across the jagged edges, humming softly to himself. His tears dripped off his chin onto the plastron his face was resting on. Raph's hand came up, wrapping his fingers around Leo's waist and pulling his closer, rubbing their plastron's together. "'m r'lly 'orry..." He repeated sadly, nuzzling his face into Raph's neck, inhaling deeply.  
"For what?"  
"F-For everything...For b-being such a-a burden lately," His voice cracked at the end as he pulled his arms to himself, wrapping them protectively around his body. He picked at the loosened bandaged on his wrist, the last part holding it up snapped as it fell to the floor. He stared open mouthed at the sight of his lower arm. He didn't remember making that many...He didn't remember much but he realized that unlike the times he had done it before...He hadn't used the shaving razors that Donnie had found, cleaned and, normally, used for the medical side of stuff. The ones he'd stolen that night....But he'd done this with his katana, something a lot sharper than most weapons...  
The one that bled the most was directly over his wrist, slashing into the, now, broken veins. It was deep and thick, about the size of a human's pinky nail. His arm was covered in different sized marks like that, all covered in small, weaker scabs. A few had began bleeding when the bandage fell, ripping the scabs off. The blood seeping to the surface of his leaf green skin, a darker crimson color covering it as the liquid dripped off his arm, splashing gently against Raph's plastron.   
A higher pitched whimper escaped him as he stared down at his arm...While to some this sight would freak them out, it was terrible. He knew that...Somewhere, in a box that was trapped in the back of his mind. Sealed with a lock that nothing could open. He thought it was beautiful. The sight...It's weird but..Soothing. Seeing the wounds that _he’d_ created. Not Shredder's henchmen, The Foot, The Kraang or even Shredder himself. He made them...And for some reason it made it okay. It was calming, for him at least, too look at. The small droplets of his blood that dripped from his body, or the way he can't seem to stop looking at them. But they were healing...They weren't perfect anymore...They weren't _fresh_...  
He flinched, rubbing his toes against the ground. The burning returned, the urge that made his skin crawl. The overwhelming _want_...The needy feeling that had crept into his veins again that made him want to _cut_  it out...To make _it_  stop...The little voice that taunted him...The numbness that slithered into his mind when he felt like this, that clouded the rational side that told him to stop. That his _brothers_  needed him...The numbness was like a cloud of darkness..And when it disappeared, leaving him alone in the world...The sun comes out again...And he could feel the burning, the sensation, the ache...The _need_  for the burning on his skin...And the reasons that he believed he deserved it.  
The world seemed to stop around him as he focused on the wounds, a mental war with himself. But the glass house shattered, the pieces fluttering against the floor before disappearing in a black smoke and he was alone.   
He breathed out slowed as he looked up at the hand that covered his, bright emerald eyes stared back at him. He thought they looked like Raph's eyes...Raph had pretty eyes...This stranger had pretty eyes too...Why was he in the strangers lap? And why are there people staring?   
The air left his lungs as his eyes flickered around, everything was blurry... _He didn't know where he was...He wanted to go home..._ He tried to move his leg but it hurt too much. _Why'd his leg hurt?_   
"Leo?"  
 _How'd the stranger know his name? He was really pretty...Like Raph...But Raph wasn't pretty...He's not a girl...Why was he thinking about this!_  
"Leo?!"  
He felt himself flinch against the hand that cupped his cheek gently, his eyes blinking as he tried to get everything into focus. He felt warmth under his hand, like another hand... _He didn't want to trust this stranger! He can't trust them...It'll just happen again...But this one..He seemed nice...And warm._  
He leaned against the hand, sighing softly. "I wa-a g-go home," He whispered, his eyes felt heavy.   
"W-we can't go home right now, Leo..."  
 _Why would this stranger go home with them? Maybe he gets to keep the pretty stranger. He's seems trustworthy, and nice...And pretty...He's pretty..._  
"W-hy would yo-you go home with us?" He asked lazily, his lip pouting slightly as he tried to think of a reason. The stranger frowned, his body tensing. _He didn't want the stranger to be upset! I-If he got upset he'd leave...He didn't want to stranger to leave..._  
"Leo?"  
"Hmm?" He looked up at the blurry figure of the stranger. He could see his eyes though, they shined brighter so he could see them clearly... _They were pretty..._  
"Are you okay?"  
He shrugged, squeezing his eyes together before opening them again. "I c-can't see nuthin', everythin's all...blurry..."  
"Sweetie?" He looked up, _it was a different stranger...He didn't like this stranger..._  
"Hm?"  
"You can't see anything? At all?"  
He just said that...Right? But he didn't want the pretty stranger to get mad at him so he nodded.  
"Yepper... 'm can't see anythin'...Well..." He scrunched his nose, closing his eyes.   
"Leo?"   
_Pretty stranger...He didn't want to other one to know! It was his...He could see them...He didn't want to share that..._  
"Leo, can you see anything else?" He shook his head with a small smile.  
"No," He muttered, attempting to cross his arms but the pretty stranger's hand was holding his arm back. He pouted again, his already blurred vision being covered by tears. "I can see 'he pretty stranger's eyes..." He whispered, nodding to himself.   
"Um...Sweetie...What pretty stranger?"  
Bad stranger...He still didn't like this one...  
"Not you! I don't like you," He cried out, scratching absentmindedly at his wrist. _The stranger looked taken aback, at least from what he could see, before she...he thinks it's a she...Smiled._  
"Leo, do you know where you are?" He shook his head. "Do you know who we are?" He shrugged, his shoulders sagging lightly. _Stupid...She's acting like you're suppose to know! You probably are...Stupid, stupid, stupid..._ He felt his lip tremble again.  
"Hey, hey, baby," Blood rushed to his face as he looked up at the pretty stranger, who smiled at him. The hand that cupped his face moved, gently rubbing the tears away. "It's okay...Yer at tha farm house,"   
Farm house? Isn't that were they were gonna go when the Kraang invaded? He didn't remember coming here...  
He whimpered again, lightly nuzzling into the hand. He continued blinking, trying to get everything to go into focus.   
"April, maybe ya should go get Don," _The pretty stranger told the other one...Wait...The other one was April? Where's his brothers....He misses them..._  
"I think it'll wear off,"  
"Yea, but what if it doesn'?"  
"He'll be fine, just give 'im another minute and if it's not better by then I'll go get Don, okay?" The pretty stranger nodded, turning back to him.  
" 'm tired..." He heard himself mutter, leaning against the pretty stranger. He hummed lightly to himself as he blinked, his vision slowly clearing. He brought one hand to his head, a pounding headache split his skull.   
"I know, but ya gotta stay wake for a few more minutes,"   
He didn't brother lifting his head after the few minutes passed, he kept it resting against Raph's plastron. His face burned when he realized who the "pretty stranger" was.   
"C-Can I...Can I go to bed now?" He whispered out, picking at a scab. A darker green hand stopped him, intertwining their fingers.   
"Yea, come on," Raph slowly got up, holding him bridal style. He felt his face burn hotter as he hid it in the stronger turtle's neck. Neither said anything until he was under the blankets.   
"Raph...I'm sorry..." He wished the sai wielding turtle would look at him.   
"It's okay, just...Get some rest," Because he could respond Raph walked out, closing the door quietly behind him.   
And just like that...The burning...The aching...The needy feeling he despised...Came back...And the room seemed to engulf in the dark numbness as he was left alone.

* * *

  
**_Outside The Door_ **

  
Tears streamed down his face the second the door closed behind him. He slid down the wall, pulling his knees close to his plastron. Why didn't he just talk to Leo?   
He could hear the pain filled sobs coming from the room behind him. He wanted nothing more than to go in there and comfort the boy, tell him how much he was in love with him and that his feelings hadn't changed since this happened but...He couldn't...He couldn't bring himself to. He stood up, quickly walking downstairs, ignoring the looks from the three as he walked outside. He didn't know where he was going, he just needed to go somewhere. He needed to punch something.

* * *

  
**_In New York_ **

  
A tall man ripped the manhole cover open, jumping inside quickly at the Krrang ship passed over him. His pale skin shined against the mood light, a deep scar residing on his left cheek. His deep auburn eyes narrowed against the darkness as he walked forward. He sneered in front of him, hitting his baseball bat against the wall. A low groan to his right caught his attention, his head turning around slowly.   
"Wha-What are you?" He asked disgustedly at the soaked, rat like creature. He kicked it lightly, sneering. The thing moved beneath him and he shrugged, it's still alive. He walked away, placing a cigarette between his lips.   
Spilnter's eyes opened slightly, his vision blurred and his head was pounding...But he knew one thing for sure...He had to find his sons...He had to make sure Leonardo was okay.

* * *

  
**_Dream/Flashback_ **

  
_His little giggles and the tapping of his feet against the concrete were the only sounds that bounced off the sewer walls. His arms covering his mouth as he ducked into another tunnel, staring at the weird circle on the ceiling, small rays of light coming through the slits. He bit down on his lip, glancing behind him before slowly approaching the light. His fingers reached out, running through the rays. It was warm, sending shivers up his spine. He giggled again, covering his mouth with one hand as he touched the ladder with his little fingers. The cold metal sent another shiver up his spine, he looked up with a small smile. He wanted to see what was up there...It looked pretty. This light was pretty, it wasn't like the light from the lair...It was brighter. He wrapped his tiny fingers around the ladder, slowly climbing up. He touched the cover with his finger, his eyes wide. He held on tightly with one hand as he poked it with the other. He forced down a giggle when it moves. It took all his strength but he opened it enough he could make it through. His breath caught in his throat as he climbed out, his little blue eyes widened in awe at the sight._   
**_His brothers were gonna be so jealous! He...He was on the surface_ **   
_Covering his mouth quickly as he touched the wall nervously. It creaked under his finger, causing him to jump. The loud car horns, screaming and yelling, gun fire and other sounds he wasn't quite use to hearing invaded his senses. He inhaled deeply, cigarette smoke and blood. His nose scrunched at the smell, but his excitement at the feeling of being on the surface was stronger. He rubbed his toes against the new ground. He jumped in excitement at the feeling, giggling to himself as he ran his fingers over the walls of the ally way._   
_"Well, well, well...What are **you**." He squeaked, his head shooting up. A tall human stood in the entrance of the ally way, his greasy, shoulder length hair smeared against his neck. A deep scar on his cheek, looked like it was painful. The human, at least that's what Leo think's it is, swung his baseball bat lazily at the wall, walking towards him. Leo's eyes widened as he stepped back, knowing he'd been seen. "Wait...I ain't gonna hurtcha..." The human muttered, a smirk on his face. "What's your name...Cutie?"_   
_"I-I'm...I'm not allowed ta talk t-to strangers..."_   
_"I ain't a stranger ta ya, cutie, we're friends now."_   
_Friends? He always wanted a friend! Raph had Spike, Donnie had his inventions and Mikey had all of them. He didn't have anyone or anything...He wanted a friend! H-He...He could have a human friend...That sounded...Nice..._   
_"Friends?" He whispered out, biting his lip. The human smiled and nodded, walking up to him. There was a voice in the back of his mind screaming at him to go home but he wanted a friend. He didn't want to be alone anymore._   
_"Of course, now what's yer name, cutie?"_   
_"L-Leo-nardo..." He smiled lightly at the man, swallowing nervously as the rough hand brushed against his cheek._   
_"That's a pretty name, cutie...My name's Keith," The man, Keith, licked his lips as he "smiled" at the little turtle. "Where's your family, cutie?"_   
_"T-They...They don't know I'm here..." Keith raised an eyebrow at him._   
_"So, they won't be looking for ya for a while then?"_   
_"Yea, me and my brothers were playing hide n seek so they'll be "looking" for a while but it'll take a few hours before they get our father." He rambled on, smiling lightly at the ground._   
_"There's...More of ya?"_   
_"Mphm, there's me, Raphie, Donnie and Mikey. In that order, I'm the oldest," He said proudly, giggling to himself._   
_"Really?"_   
_"Yep, I hava protect my little brothers, that's what Sensei tells me at least. But I like being the oldest, even if Raph fights with me because of it." He muttered sadly, his lip popping out. "It hurts when we fight...I really care 'bout him...I..." Leo sighed, rubbing his thighs._   
_"You what, cutie?"_   
_"H-Have...Have you ever like...Seen someone..Like on the TV, and get all...Fuzzy inside...And ya just wanna be around them all the time...And y-you get all nervous around them...and you want them to hold you constantly in they're arms...They're big, strong," He giggled, his head nuzzling slightly into his shell, a bright blush on his face. He smiled dreamily at the ground. Keith raised his eyebrow again._   
_"So...Yer crushing on yer brotha?"_   
_"N-No! O-of course not! I just..."_   
_"Do ya think he's attractive?"_   
_"Well...Um yea..."_   
_"Do ya wanna kiss 'im? Feel his hands caressing your body," Leo shifted nervously as Keith ran hi hand down his plastron. "Ya wanna feel 'im suckin' on ya, don'tcha?"_   
_"I-I um..."_   
_"Ya like that thought don'tcha?" Keith whispered in his ear slit, coming up from behind him. He pressed his hardened clothed cock against the small shell._   
_He didn't really understand these feelings, or the uncomfortable twisting in his gut, but his friend wouldn't hurt him...And if he said something...His friend might leave...He didn't want to lose him friend._   
_"Mphm..." His face was flushed as he nodded slightly._   
_"Ya'd like ta feel someone's cock pounding into yer ass, wouldn'tcha?" Keith hissed out, reaching his arm down between the child's thighs, kneading the skin roughly._   
_"N-No!" Leo tried to move but another arm snaked around his upper half, pulling him against Keith._   
_"Shhhh, this is what you want, ya li'l slut, isn't this what ya want your brother ta do ta ya? Ta touch ya, like this?" Keith roughly rubbed the slit, the boy whimpered, trying to shift away from the hand._   
_"P-Please stop,"_   
_"Hey, hey cutie...Relax, this is what friends do," Keith whispered, grinding against the hard shell._   
_"I-It...It is?" Leo asked quietly, his ind screaming at him in doubt._   
_"Of course, I would never lie ta ya, cutie. I'm just bein'...Friendly..." Keith smirked behind him, kissing his head gently._   
_"B-But...Umm....I don't know i-if this is..."_   
_"Shhhhh, you want to be a good friend don'tcha?" Leo whimpered, his head drooping._   
_"Y-Yea...I...Um...I do wanna b-be a good friend..."_   
_"Then you'll do as **I** say! Understand?" Keith hissed out, his grip on Leo's lower plastron tightening. _   
**_This...This wasn't suppose to be happening....This...This is wrong! He's not suppose to be touching him like this..._ **   
**_But ya wanted a friend didn'tcha?_ **   
_Not like this...H-He...He was going home....He didn't want this...He shouldn't have come to the surface..._   
_"N-No...I-I need to go home!" He struggled weakly against Keith, but the human was stronger than him._   
_"Now. now, now ya little slut! Yer gonna do what I want, 'cause ya was askin' for it," He shoved the child roughly to the ground, kneeling over him._   
_"N-no! Pl-please s-stop! Please..."_   
_"Shut it, slut!" The child whimpered._   
_Keith held him down by the neck as he shifted onto his shin's, sitting there with a smirk. "You'll not move unless ya want me ta knock ya out, cutie," Leo nodded quickly as he drug his hands up and down the backs of the turtle's legs. He ran his nail across the small tail, smirking as the boy cried out. "Shut up," He shouted, roughly gripping the small, round ass between his fingers hard enough to leave bruises. He struggled to unbutton his pants, pulling his hardened cock out. He grunted lightly as the cold air hit him, licking his lips hungrily._   
_"P-Please s-stop!"_   
_Keith grabbed the ends of the blue mask, pulling his head up only to smash it against the ground. Leo cried out, blood gushed from his nose._   
_"Maybe, normally, I'd prep ya, but ya've been being a bad (friend) so I've gotta punish ya," Keith sneered at the crying boy. He dug his teeth into the boy's shoulder, blood dripping into his mouth as he blindly pressed his erection against the small rosy hole, spitting lazily into his hand. He rubbed his cock a few times before lining it up again. "This...This is gonna be fun...For me," He hummed out, roughly shoving his hips forward, burying his erection into the warmth. He groaned as an ear splinting scream bounced off the walls of the ally way._   
_Leo jerked violently, his throat tightened as he screamed. The pain was unbearable, his stomach cramped as his fingers clawed at the ground. The rough concrete beneath him scraped against his plastron, small chips being created as the human behind him shoved him into the ground. His head pounded painfully as the human rammed himself into his small body. His face was stained with tears, blood, dirt and small rocks that were lodged into the cuts on his skin. Keith groaned behind him, it sounded quiet as it was silenced by his screams. His little body tried to jerk away from the person causing him pain, small cries slipping through his lips._   
_Keith groaned as the walls tightened around him, protesting against the larger object forcing it's way inside. He trusted harshly, slowly it was becoming easier to slip in. The blood was acting as a lubricant, covering his cock in the sickly red substance. The small cries only arousing him more as he bucked his hips against the child._   
**_This was wrong..._ **   
**_Butcha deserve it! Ya came ta the surface, ya knew you were suppose ta come up here!_ **   
_Leo sniffled, biting down on his lip, thick copper liquid filing his mouth._   
_"Yer so...Tight, like yer made fer 'his," He tried to block out the words but he couldn't. He couldn't focus on anything else. "Probably are, ya li'l whore," His head was pulled back by his mask that was drenched in blood, Keith sneered down at him. "Ya wanted 'his," He weakly shook his head, all of his energy was drained. "Yea, ya did...Ya," Keith groaned again, rubbing his hands across Leo's hips. "Damn, yer so perfect for 'tis, ya li'l slut,"_   
_His body jerked as the human's trusts sped up, tears streamed down his face. He listened silently to the man's mumbles, hard sobs racking his body. His body shuddered disgustedly as the man came inside him, the hot liquid pouring into him. He forced down a gag as his body fell limply to the floor, Keith got up, buttoning his pants up with a smirk._   
_"See, I toldcha yer was made for it, li'l whore," Leo choked on his tears as a steel toed boot rammed into his plastron, knocking the wind out of him. His body fell against the floor again, too weak to move. "And besides, ya can't tell anyone, Ya asked for it...It wasn't rape cause ya wanted it," He smirked proudly_   
_"N-no...I said no though..." Leo whispered weakly._   
_"No don't mean no if ya wan'ed it, slut," Keith chuckled lightly as he walked out of the ally way, leaving the broken child behind him._

* * *

  
**_End of flashback/dream_ **

  
His sapphire eyes snapped open, brimmed with tears as his throat tightened against the second scream that wanted to escape. His body trembled as he curled into his side, sobbing into the blanket. He didn't want to think of that day, he was over that... _IT_ didn't happen....At least...That's what he told himself...He'd accepted it and moved on...So why did he feel the same way he did after the man walked away....  
"Leo?"  
" 'm fine!" He snapped, not bothering to look up at the newcomer. He wanted the person to leave, he didn't want to see anyone. He squeezed his knees tighter to his chest, slowly opening his eyes. April smiled softly at him as she sat down on the end of the bed.   
"Mikey's really worried about you, since what happened in the kitchen..."  
"How long...?" He wanted her to leave, his defenses were down...He was going to end up telling her everything....  
" 'bout five hours...Raph...He hasn't come back yet," Leo looked up his eyes filled with tears at the mention of the other boy. "He's not mad at you, sweetie..."  
"I-It feels like it..." He whispered, his stomach twisting painfully.   
"He's...Confused, and he's mad because of what happened....But he's not mad at you, he loves you..."  
"He shouldn't...Y-you guys shouldn't c-care...I don't want you t-to care!" He bit down on his hand, his body shaking as he tried not to sob.   
"But we do, sweetie....And nothing going to change that,"   
He shook his head against the mattress, staring dully at the wall. "It...It should...I-I really don't want you to care..."  
"Why?"  
"B-because I-I can't hurt them...A-and if they didn't care...Then I co-could die without hurting them......" He mumbled, sitting up. He pulling his knees to his plastron, staring at the bed. "I...I have protect them...A-and I can't do that if I'm dead...B-but...I r-really don't w-wanna do this anymore!" He dug his teeth into his lip, tears filled his eyes. His shoulders shook as he stabbed his nails into his thighs, harshly ripped into the skin.   
Her eyes went wide, she wasn't use to being the one comforting...Well any of the turtles. They tended to rely on each other. But this didn't seem to be something he would tell his brothers, so it was up to her now.   
"Hey, hey, hey," She quickly grabbed his hands, his fingers twitching lightly. "Breathe, you're gonna hyperventilate,"  
He whined in his throat, his eyes drifting onto the floor. He sighed lightly before nodding.   
"Sweetie, what don't you wanna do anymore?" April asked slowly, gently rubbing the backs of his hands.   
"E-everything...J-Just with...With S-Shredder and what happened at the invasion a-and...I-I'm tired of b-being leader...A-and having t-ta be stronger f-for them be-because I-I don't know h-how to let them in!...S-Sensei always s-said that I-I had to s-stronger a-and I can't i-if I tell t-them everything..."  
"I...I thought you had...Told them everything?"  
"I-I told them what happened a few months ago...Yea, but there's still a lot that I'm keeping from them..." He picked nervously at the blanket, breathing deeply.   
"Because you have to be strong for them?" He nodded, biting his knee lightly. "Do...Do you wanna tell me? What you're hiding from them...Ya don't have to be strong for me, you can tell me, Leo."  
He didn't answer, his eye ridge scrunched together as he thought. He could tell her...She's nice...And she didn't judge him when he told her about what happened a few months ago...But this wasn't like that...This _was_  his fault...But his mouth didn't seem to be cooperating as he started talking.   
"Y-Ya know...How when we were younger...We weren't allowed on the surface?" She nodded, biting down gently on her lip. "A-about five years ago...We were playing in the sewers, something w-we weren't suppose t-to do in the first place....Not without Sensei at least...It was too dangerous...But Mikey begged us to so we e-ended up disobeying...I-I can't remember what we were playing...I know we weren't together though...I-I remember running into t-this...Tunnel and there was a manhole cover there...Since we weren't allowed to explore that far into the sewers....We hadn't seen one before...The light was different than the light in the lair...A-and...I don't know...I wanted to know what was up there..." He swallowed, forcing himself not to gag. "So I went up...I thought it'd be okay...But, of course...I was wrong...Um..." He blinked back tears again, rubbing his eyes. "It was fine...For the first few minutes b-but this guy saw me..." He heard her gasp. "And um...W-when I was younger...I was really lonely...A-And the guy...He said he was my friend...I don't know why I believed him...." He muttered, glaring at the wall weakly. He sucked in air, forcing down the panic attack he could feel rising. "A-Apparently I was up there for over three hours...I-I told him I had brothers...He asked about them...A-and I um...I told him a-about...The um...Confused feelings I'd started having about...About Raph..." He bit down on his knee again, blinking away the tears that filled his eyes. It was too late to turn back now, he'd said to much. "I-I can't really remember...What was said after that..." He wasn't about to tell her what the vile man had "asked" him, or the things he'd said when...   
"Are you sure you don't?" She asked gently, his face was burning.   
"I-I don't...I don't wanna...Repeat what he said..."He muttered with a sigh. "...H-He said..."No doesn't mean no if ya wanted it..." Before he walked away..." Her body tensed at the meaning behind the words. "I wasn't strong enough t-to fight back...I-I thought I was over it...B-but apparently w-with what happened...Everything's just...Coming back...It took me over an hour to get back to the lair...I managed to sneak past them before they saw me....God there was so much blood..." He bit down roughly on his lip. "I-I um...I stole these razors that Don had salvaged for something...I couldn't control the nightmares or the panic attacks...It just became too much and...I didn't...I didn't mean to cut the first time...It just kinda happened...But it distracted me..." He looked down at his arm, fresher scabs covering the split flesh. "It just kept happening after that...I-if I had enough of them...And the burning was strong enough I wouldn't have nightmares...Didn't really help my panic attacks...They've just kept getting worse over the years but I hide them from my brothers...There was a few times....Were I almost told Master Splinter what happened but...I didn't want him to be disappointed..." Leo muttered sadly, his head sinking into his shell slightly.   
"Oh, sweetie," April whispered out, tears filled her eyes. She wasn't sure what to say or do. "Are you ever gonna tell your brothers?" He shook his head quickly, yawning.   
"I-I can't..."  
"Why..W-why not?" Leo jumped at the rough voice, his eyes bolting up to the door.   
"R-Raph...I...H-How much did you hear?"   
"Just the last part...April, can I talk ta 'im? Alone," April nodded slowly before getting off the bed, patting Raph's arm lightly. The two males stared at each other until Raph sighed. He closed the door softly, walking over to the bed. He sat down next to Leo, who stared at him with glazed eyes. "Hey, Fearless..."  
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."  
"Noo, shhh...Don't apologize, for anything..." He whispered, wrapping an arm around him. "I'm sorry, I...I shouldn't ha' stormed out..." Leo opened his mouth to talk but he held a hand up. "No it's my turn ta talk right now, babe." His face flushed at the nickname, a small smile crossing his face. "I've been so worried 'boutcha, a-and...After what happened in the kitchen...You were so...Broken, it was terrible...And I just....I couldn't face ya knowin' that...I'd let ya get 'urt..."   
"You didn't l-let me get hurt..."  
"I wasn't there fer ya, a-and...Never mind...I'm really sorry, for the way I've been acting, babe,"   
"W-wh-...Never mind," Leo smiled lightly as he leaned into Raph's side, yawning again.   
"Go ta sleep, baby...I'll be here when ya wake up," Raphael said, leaning back against the pillows. Leo curled up between his legs, his face was hot as he nuzzled against the rough plastron.   
"M'Kay, Raphie...."  
He kept his word, he was there when Leo woke up eleven hours later. He kept watch all night, gently running his fingers over Leo's shell, his eyes were open and dark, memories of the past few months flickering through his mind, voices and screams alluding his darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeyyy!! I hope you guys liked the chapter!! Pretty much the whole dream is why it took me so long to update 'cause I was making Keith's character ('Cause he may or may not be making another appearance). I really like hurting Leo...Sorry....  
> Kudos/Comments are always loved and make me wanna update more!! XD <3 You guys are amazing!! <3


	5. Shattered Glass

_Chapter 5: Shattered Glass_

It had been almost a week since the episode in the kitchen, tension had filled the air and had yet to leave. April hadn't told anyone what he'd informed her of that day, the guilt eating at her whenever his brothers asked if Leo had said anything and she lied. But she couldn't tell them, it was too...Personal for her to expose. Leo had stopped eating nearly all together, mumbling out excuses or purposely sleeping through meals, he rarely talked anymore as his nightmares increased. He was barely left alone for the fear of trying to harm himself again. Mikey stayed in his room a lot, he felt guilty for what happened in the kitchen. He was blaming himself, despite what his brothers have told him. Donnie works on different inventions in his free time, the rest he spends researching ways to help his older brother. Raph was normally around Leo, even if the latter didn't want him to or not. He was exhausted, physically and mentally. Casey was trying to help Donnie out, without fighting for the first time. He seemed to understand that the genius turtle was stressed enough.

April was...She talked to Leo a few times, trying to convince him to tell his brothers about Keith. Of course he refuses each time, making up a new excuse each time. There's been a few times were she almost told Raph, the caring side of him was new to her and she wanted to help. She felt terrible for lying to him, but she couldn't betray Leo like that.

The beeping microwave snapped the red head out of her thoughts. She grabbed her hot chocolate before returning to the living room, sitting down in the chair next to the couch and picked up her book again. Leo was sleeping on the couch while his brothers were talking upstairs. She hoped they would figure out something to help him...

**_Upstairs_ **

Painful silence had come over the small guest bedroom where the three remaining turtle were sitting. Mikey was staring off into space, tears dripping down his cheeks.

"...G-Guys...I-I'm not the only one who thinks t-that April knows something...Right?"

"No, Mikey...You're not the only one..." Raph's eye twitched angrily, clenching his fists.

"Come on, guys. She wouldn't hide something to do with Leo from us." Donnie pleaded weakly, his mind hoping that the girl he was madly in love with wouldn't do something like that.

"Unless she was asked to, I mean..."Mikey shrugged lightly as he leaned against the headboard, rubbing his foot gently against Raph's knee. "What if he told her something, but asked her not to tell us...W-What if...What i-if he doesn't t-trust us a-anymore! I-I can't have live w-with him ha-hating me!" Donatello sighed before wrapping his arms around Mikey's shoulders, kissing his forehead lightly.

"He doesn't hate you, Mikey."

"I-it was my fault though...I got him to start talking and then he...And then it happened and it was my fault...He can't even talk t-to me anymore, dude!" The normally overly ecstatic turtle bit his lip as tears streamed freely from his eyes.

"He can't talk ta any of us, Mike. Don't blame ya self, believe me, he doesn't 'atecha," Raphael said truthfully, patting Mikey's foot.

"H-He talks to y-you though..." Mikey whispered, staring sadly at his older brother.

"Th-that's cause...Well..."

"That's because Leo's finding comfort in being around him, why I don't know. It might be because Raphael was there after what happened with Shredder." Don said as he smiled lightly at them.

"B-but we were both there t-to..."

"Yes, but Raphael's the one who was holding him. When I was getting the bullet out Raph's the one who was talking to him, so it's possible that, subconsciously, he's becoming more drawn to Raph than us; more than he was in the first place that is." Donatello explained simply, his smile growing at the small blush that covered their older brother's face.

"Awwwwww, that's adorable!" Mikey giggled as Raphael glared at him, sticking his tongue out. "Come on, Raphie...We all know ya've got a crush on 'im," He smirked.

His emerald eyes widened as he stuttered. "W-Wh-what...No! W-W-Why would y-you think that!?" He could feel the heat radiating on his cheeks

"Because you keep smiling lovingly at him,"

"Or blushing when he says your name,"

"Or callin' 'im baby or babe," Mikey poked his plastron teasingly with his toe, giggling. "Yooooou looooooove him," He teased with a smile.

"Shut up! I...I don't know why I put up with you guys!" Raph crossed his arms, scrunching his nose up.

"Because you love your little brothers," Donnie leaned against the youngest's thighs, poking Raph's bicep with his finger.

"Yea, yea sure...A-And Leo isn't becoming drawn to me...He's just...I don't know..."

"I guess he feels safer around you,"

"Yea..." Michelangelo sighed lightly as he leaned against Don's shoulder, rubbing his toe against a large scar on Raph's leg. "But guys...Wh-what if he blames me? F-For what S-Shredder did..."

"He doesn't, Mikey...I promise..."

"B-But what if he does...M-maybe that's why he doesn't want to talk to me...I mean...I wouldn't blame h-him...It was m-my fault..."

"Mi-Mikey..." A tired mumbled came fro the doorway. The three turtles looked up at their oldest brother who was standing there, mumbling to lightly to himself.

They smiled lightly at the sight. It was rare for Leo to let his guard down, at least it was before this all happened. Raphael felt his face flush, biting his lip.

Leo shifted lightly on his feet, his shoulders hugging tightly to his body as he Raph's blanket closer to his body. He blinked slowly as he smiled, his face was flushed pink and he licked his lips.

Raph felt his mouth go dry, licking his hungrily. He wished this hadn't happened...He wanted to pin him against a wall right now and pound into him. Punish him for taunting him all these years, make him beg and whimper for his cock. But that wouldn't happen, not that it would have in the first place. He stared at the adorable boy in the doorway, a small smile on his face.

"Hey, baby," He said sweetly, ignoring the quiet "awwwwwe"ing from Mikey as he leaned forward, pushing the younger's foot away. Leo looked up tiredly, his eyes glazed over as he smiled. He looked over at Mikey and sighed lightly.

"I don't blame you, Mikey," He mumbled, shaking his head lazily. "Y-you didn't do anything wrong..." He stumbled forward slowly, curling up against Raph's plastron. He wiggled his toes as he avoided their eyes, poking at Mikey's arm gently. "I've just been..." He froze, he couldn't tell them...He wasn't ready. "Having a lot of nightmares..." He muttered softly, picking at the lose threads on the blanket, pulling the strings out between his fingers.

"Y-You're not...Mad at m-me?" Mikey asked, sniffling as he shifted nearer to his brother.

"Of course not," Leo smiled lightly, nuzzling into Raph's neck, inhaling deeply. He smiled happily at his oldest brothers, glancing knowingly at Don, who chuckled. "I missed you..." Leo whispered, blushing lightly.

Raph smiled down at the flustered boy, kissing his head gently. "I missed ya too, babe," He muttered, wrapping his arms around the smaller turtle. Leo's blush deepened, biting his lip.

He hated seeing Fearless like this, all vulnerable and...And broken...It hurt, knowing that he didn't save him. All the times that Leo had saved them and the one time he needed them the most...They weren't there. And Shredder took advantage of that...He brutally _raped_ him...And it was his fault. He didn't save him...

"I had another nightmare...That's why I came up..." Leo whimpered, his lip trembling. "I-I didn't want to be alone..."

"Oh, baby," He tightened his grip on the shaking boy, pulling him against his plastron. He kissed Leo's forehead , rubbing his fingers across his waist gently, causing the other to squirm as he let out a small moan. Raph smirked with a small chuckle. "S'rry, I didn't mean ta be gone for that long,"

" 's okay, Raphie..." Leo rubbed his covered wrist nervously, biting his lip. His brother's eye ridge scrunched together as he noticed the motion, gently taking hold of the boy's arm.

"Leo?"

" 'm s'rry...I...I didn't mean to, it just...I just freaked out...And I didn't mean to...'m sorry..." He whispered again, weakly trying to tug his arm away, but Raph wasn't letting go so he gave up. He felt the blanket move as the cold air hit his split skin, sending a shiver up his spine. Raphael's body tensed behind him, his darker green thumb gently rubbing across the skin.

"Oh sweetie, it's okay..." He said softly. He wished he could take the pain away from his love, his baby, _his_ Fearless...But he couldn't. "It's gonna take a while, and yer gonna relapse a few times, we're not expectin' ya ta be better in a few days, Fearless. But I ain't gonna be mad," He kissed his forehead lightly again, trailing up and down his sides again. "But ya'll be okay,"

Leo glanced around nervously, remembering what April had told him. They were suppose to be talking, he interrupting... _ **Stupid**_

'm s'rry...I didn't mean t-to interrupt an-anything...'m s-s-sorry!" He covered his face, small sobs slipping through his lips. "I-I..."

"Shhhhh, no it's okay, I promise..."

"N-No...I'm sorry...I-I d-didn't mean...I'm sorry!" He jumped up and rushed out of the room, his shoulders shaking violently.

"Leo!" The three called in unison as Raph rushed after him. The bathroom door slammed shut and locked just before he could reach it.

"Leo! Open the door, please!" He begged weakly, pounding his healing fists against the wood. "Please! I'm beggin' ya! Leo, baby! Please, open tha' door!"

"I-I'm sorry! P-Please forgive me! I-I'm so-sorry! I'm sorry..." The mutters got quieter as his banging got louder.

"Please! Just open tha door! I'm not mad at-cha! Please I promise! I'm not mad!"

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." He could hear objects moving behind the locked door, the medical cabinet slammed against the wall. He could hear the glass shatter against the wood.

"Leonardo! Open the goddamn door!" He shouted, his fists pounding harshly into the splintering wood, his blood staining the surface as the skin split open. He could hear the four remaining people standing behind him, Don was trying to get him to stop, but he shoved his brother back harshly. "LEO!" His body was shaking, from rage or fear he wasn't sure. He could hear his heart thumping in his chest, the blood pumping through his veins rapidly as he assaulted the door.

" 'm s'rry...'M s'rry..."

"Leo! Please, baby! Open the dammed door! Please!"

"I...I don't wanna...I wanna be alone..." A small voice whispered from inside, cracking in the end.

"I can't letchu be alone, please open the door!" The three turtles nervously kneeled in front of the door, knowing that trying to force the door open wouldn't help the panic driven boy. Raphael bit his lip as the door creaked under the weight of a person. He placed his hand gently on the door, staring blankly in front of him.

* * *

Leonardo sighed, pressing his shell against the door and sucking in small gasps. His fingers trembled against the glass below his palms, the sharpness digging into his thighs. He could see the small beads of red liquid splashing onto the floor from his skin, his mind was spinning from lack of oxygen. He continued to pick at the threads off the blanket, nuzzling his beak into it. Tears dripped from his eyes as he struggled not to sob. He inhaled deeply, his shoulders shaking violently.

He didn't know why he was freaking out, or having a panic attack. Everything was fine...

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." He didn't know what he was apologizing for, or why. He wanted to be in the hotheaded terrapin's arms again, but the panic in his chest was preventing him from standing. He was sorry for being such a burden lately...His brothers barely trained anymore, they were always doing something to try and help him. Donnie spent all his time with Casey researching, Mikey was trying to get everything to be happier, April spent her time with Don or Mikey while she wasn't trying to get him to tell them about what he'd told her and Raph...Well he barely left his side. He didn't train as much anymore and when he did he still wouldn't let Leo out of his sight. He felt weak, like they didn't trust him...Not that they had any reason to...He could jump off the rails again and this time he might not be able to call them...Or he wouldn't call...

Leo sighed, pulling his knees to his chest, ignoring the glass that dug into the flesh on his feet, not hard enough to bleed. He was tired, mentally and physically. The loud thumping of his heart slowed as his breathing evened out. He hates having panic attack, worse when they're in front of his siblings. Leaning his head against the cold wall as he listened to the small voices outside. The words were muffled by the thick wood between them. He tapped his hands against the door lightly, feeling his way to the knob. His eyes were heavy and burning. There was a sharp pain shooting through his arm from where a shard of glass had lodged itself. It took him a minute to unlock the door, the soft clicking sound informing him that he'd succeed.

"Leo?" The door moved slightly as he stood up, stumbling forward. He closed his eyes, expecting to face plant against the ground, but muscular arms wrapped around his shell and waist, pulling him upward. Mumbling lightly as he tapped the air lazily with his hand. Leo grabbed the arm gently, tugging at it as he tried to blindly walk away. "Come on, baby. Let's getchu outta 'ere," Raphael said as he wrapped his arm under Leo's thighs, picking him up bridal style.

"Noooo, I wanna stay here...I don't wanna go ta sleep..." He whispered, sniffling lightly. "I don't wanna..." His protests were low and weak as he nuzzled deeper into the buffer boy's neck. He felt the glass being removed from his arm and thick gauze wrapped around his bicep.

"Shhhh, it'll be okay," He didn't looked up as they walked out of the bathroom, inhaling the stronger scent of the turtle he was clutching to as he avoided the eyes of his younger brothers. He didn't want to be alone again, but he didn't want to ask. He didn't want to be a burden...This is why he never told them...It was his job to take care of _them_ , not the other way around. This isn't what Sensei told him, he was suppose to be the leader. He wasn't suppose to be the weaker one...But that's what he was doing...Half of him hoped Sensei didn't survive, purely so he wouldn't see the failure he'd raised.

He felt the thick blanket wrap around his body as Raph gently put him down. The hothead turned to leave, but a tightening grip on his wrist stopped him.

"Raph..." Leo sighed as he looked down. "Never mind...I-I'm gonna...Sleep...Now..." He whispered, his lip trembled as he released his grip.

"Oh, baby," Raphael smiled lightly as he sat down next to Leo, intertwining their fingers. He stroked the back of his hand softly while staring at the greenish-pink skin. The cuts were healed almost completely, the fresher wounds were scabbed over and peeling lightly.

"I-I don't wanna be alone..."

"Why didn'tcha just tell me that?"

"I...I don't wanna be a burden..." Leo picked nervously at his nails, tears dripping down his face.

"Leo," A darker green finger gently lifted his chin, forcing him to look up at his immediate younger brother. "Yer never a burden ta us, sweetheart," Raph leaned down, kissing his forehead softly. The warm skin under his lips felt like heaven, he wanted to kiss every inch of the skin, to hear the boy moan and squirm underneath him.

He shook his head, biting his lip as he tried to calm his breathing. These thoughts were getting worse, the more time he spent around Leo, the harder it was getting to ignore the feelings.

"W-Will you stay with me?" Leo bit his lip. "I-If it's not that...T-that much of a problem...Y-you don-don't have too...I get it if y-you wanna g-go train o-or something," He whispered, a frown appearing on his face.

"Of course I'll stay," Raph tightened his grip slightly, smiling lightly. Raphael could tell his brother wanted to say something else, his fingers twitching as he avoided the hothead's eyes. "What is it?"

The shivering boy curled up, running his fingers across Raph's hand. "W-Will...Um..." He stuttered, biting down harder on his split lip. Raph smiled lightly at him as he shifted over, lifting the covers up and he crawled next to him. He opened his arms invitingly, blushing lightly at the joyful look Leo gave him as he curled against him, nuzzling into his plastron. He smiled down at him, feeling his chest rising against his skin. Raph shivered slightly as the warm breath grazed against the bicep, tickling the skin.

"Raphie?"

"Mphm?" There was so many nights where he dreamed of doing this. Holding the uptight boy in his arms, drifting his fingers along the soft skin. The soft little moans hummed gently in his ear as he caressed every inch of the leafy skin.

"Ya'll stay with 'e, won't ya?" Leo murmured, staring up at him with his bright sapphire eyes.

"Yea, I'll stay withcha until ya get tired of 'e,"

"'m never gonna get tired of you, Raphie..."

He blushed, looking down at the tired boy's eyes that stared up at him. Raph gently brushed his thumb across the flushed face, staring longingly at the chapped lips. His mouth was open as he breathed heavily.

"Raphie?" He licked his lips lightly, smiling up at the turtle.

"I-I...I think I should leave," Raph shifted as he tried to get up, but the boy moved between his legs, wrapping his arms around Raph's waist and nuzzling into his neck.

"P-please don't leave, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I didn't mea-mean t-to do anything...Please don't leave," He pleaded quietly, his lip trembling against his neck.

"Okay, okay. I'll stay..."

Leo smiled lightly, sighing. He could tell something was bothering his brother, but he didn't want the hothead to leave. He couldn't deal with anymore nightmares, but he felt terrible for asking Raphael to stay with him everyday. He had other things to do, things that didn't involve him...So why did it hurt so badly every time he left. He could feel the hands roughly dragging up his thighs, or bruising grip on his hips, or the wet mouth that covered his as he screamed. The disgusting taste of cigarettes and alcohol. He flinched, nuzzling deeper into his neck, inhaling.

"Raphie..."

God he hated it when he called him that...Not really, it doesn't piss him off like it use too, but now...Raph mentally cursed himself, letting out a deep breath before answering.

"Yea?"

"Thank you...For puttin' up with me...I know I get really annoying...L-like all the time...A-and that you'd probably rather be spending time with Casey or something...I know I'm not that easy t-to put up with...But it means a lot, I-I like spending time with you...E-even if I'm sleeping through most of it...B-but you don't have t-to...Spend time with me that is...It's okay...I understand i-if you don't...All y-you have to do i-is tell me...I promise I won't freak out a-and stuff...'m sorry you have to deal with me..." Leo sighed, his voice trembled as he spoke. "I-I'll leave you alone...So y-you don't have to deal with me...I-if you want...I know you...you don't really like me...You've got every reason n-not too...'m sorry..." He muttered out, sniffling quietly as he tried not to cry. "I just...I really do like...Being around y-you and stuff...I-it makes the voices stop..."

"Hey, baby, baby, look at 'e," Raph smirked at him, chuckling lightly at the blush. "I love bein' around ya, if I didn't I wouldn' be 'ere. Yer never annoyin', ever!" He sighed lightly before kissing his forehead again, letting his lips linger there for a few seconds. "I promise, Fearless. I ain't ever gonna leave ya, and I ain't letting ya get hurt anymore."

"You're sweet, Raphie...Even if ya don't wanna be sometimes..." Leo looked up at him, a large grin on his face with a blush to match. "I love you, Raphie," He murmured as he nuzzled into Raph's neck.

"I-I...I love ya too, babe," A small giggle tickled his neck and he smiled.

"Raph...C-Can...Can you do something for me?" **_Shut up!_ ** His mind was screaming at him to just go to sleep, but...He wanted to...He wanted to ask...Even if it might ruin the moment...And the little friendship they finally had...

"Hphm?"

"Well...I um...Never mind..."

"What?" Raph smiled amusedly at him.

He wanted the feeling to go away..."C-Can um...This is gonna sound really weird...C-Can you kiss me?" His face flushed, he could feel the heat coming off it. He couldn't bring himself to look up as he stared at his neck.

"W-what?"

"I just...When...Well...I mean...H-he kissed me...T-that day and I just...I don't wanna feel him anymore..." He muttered, looking up nervously at Raph. His face was pure red as he shivered.

"So...You want me ta kiss ya ta take away the feeling of him kissin' ya?" Leo nodded slowly nodded. "How...How'd he kiss you? Like...How far?"

"Just...He was just trying to...To muffle my screaming I guess..." He muttered nervously, feeling the boy tense. "I'm sorry I di-"

"Shhhh," A thumb pressed against his lips lightly, running across them. He looked up at wide emerald eyes, biting his lip. "C'mere," He smiled before siting on his knees. Raph sat up, cupping his cheek gently as he towered over him, staring down at the bright blush on his face. "Ya sure 'bout this?" Leo nodded, blinking quickly. He smiled down at him before caressing his cheek again, running his thumb across his bottom lip as he tilted his head up. Raph quickly leaned in, knowing if he waited any longer he was gonna lose his nerve. He forced back a moan, he'd been wanting this for so long and now he had it. Soft lips moved against his slowly and he smiled into the kiss. _As much as Raph wanted this to last forever, he thought this was long enough. He didn't want to seem like he really...Ya know...Wanted to kiss him._ He began to pull back only to have a pair of arms wrap around his neck, pulling him tighter against the warm body.

Leo mumbled something against his mouth as he moaned softly. "Please don't go yet," He whispered lightly as he pulled back long enough to speak. He kissed him again, smiling slightly against the buffer turtles lips.

Raph wasn't really sure what to do, he didn't know if touching him would cause a reaction, but his hands didn't seem to be listening to him as they gripped the small boy's waist, pulling him against his plastron. He dug his nails gently into the flesh on his sides, nibbling lightly on the swelling lip, causing Leo to chuckle quietly as he moaned. The body shifted against him as the arms gripped him tighter. It felt like he was in heaven, but of course all good times must come to an end. He gently pushed the other turtle away as he panted.

Leo's face was flushed as he licked his swollen lips, panting quietly against Raph's neck. "S-Sorry...I didn't...Um..."

"It's okay, baby,"

Leo smiled at the nickname, letting out a small sigh. He was glad he was kneeling because his legs felt like jello, his arms were shaking as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Are you okay?" He could hear the worry in Raph's voice and he nodded lightly as he looked up.

"Y-Yea, I'm...I'm okay," He whispered as he smiled again, suppressing the giggle that wanted to slip out. For the first time in almost two weeks he wasn't depressed, he felt overjoyed as he licked his lips again. They were tingling.

"Ya sure?"

"Yea, I'm great, Raphie," He nuzzled into his plastron, sighing lightly. " 'm tired...Can...can we go to bed?"

"Together?"

"Why not, you're all warm 'n soft 'n nice 'n hot 'n muscular 'n...I like laying on you...You're comfy..." He giggled lightly, his eyes drifting close as he fluttered in and out of consciousness.

Raphael's face heated up as he sighed, lying back against the bed. He tried to ignore the tightening in his lower plastron as the boy lying on him squirmed, mumbling softly as he cuddled against the hothead.

"I'm so in love with ya, baby," He whispered with a small smile, touching his lips gently. He slowly wrapped an arm around Leo's waist, gently pulling the blanket over his shell before caressing his sides. The boy giggled against his neck as Raph's eyes drifted shut.

**_Downstairs_ **

April gently handed the cup of steaming hot chocolate to the remaining turtles, brushing her fingers against Donnie's before casting him a small smile.

"What happened? I thought he was sleeping down here." Mikey asked quietly as he sipped the drink cautiously.

"He was, but I guess he had a nightmare or something. I left the room for a minute to put my cup in the sink and when I came back, he was gone. He'd been muttering to himself, couldn't really understand him." She said quietly, sitting down next to Donatello.

"He probably wanted Raph, 'e doesn't like bein' without him." Casey smiled lightly at them.

"I think it stops his nightmares," Mikey whispered.

"He's so...Broken now...I-I can't figure out how to help..."

Her stomach twisted in guilt. She wanted to tell them. She knew they couldn't help Leo get over what they didn't know happened, but she couldn't tell them.

"I-I think...I think he just needs to know what...He can trust you...And that not matter what he tells you you'll always love him..." She said carefully, avoiding their eyes.

"April...Do you know something?" Don raised an eye ridge at her.

"I-I...I can't tell you..." She whispered regretfully.

"I knew it! You do know something!" Mikey shouted, jumping up and pointing an accusing finger at her.

"Mikey!"

"You think I want to keep this from you guys!? But I'm not betraying him like that, it was hard enough for him to tell me. If ya wanna know, you've gotta make him believe that you're not gonna hate him! Okay?" She snapped at him, standing up. "That's the one thing he's the most worried about!"

"B-But...Why would he tell you..." Mikey squeezed his eyes together, his lip trembled.

"Because he doesn't care about my opinion as much as you guys's. It doesn't mean he doesn't care,"

"B-But he knows..H-he knows we'd never..." Mikey sighed, his shoulders sagging as he sat down.

"He may know that, but he's too emotionally unstable. He's scared,"

"Is...Is he gonna be okay?"

"I don't know, Mike. We'll try and help him as much as we can, but...All we can do is make sure he knows he can trust us and that we care."

Mikey smiled nervously at Donnie as he cuddled against his plastron, staring sadly at the floor.

"He'll be okay, Mikey. We'll be there for him," Donnie said softly as the younger's eyes drifted close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope ya'll liked it. I kinda got lost on what to write during the ending so....
> 
> And I know, personally as a rape victum, it's easier sometimes to try and replace the feeling of someone you didn't want kissing/touching you. That's what Leo was doing. (That and I reallllly wanted to write a kissing Reo scene. ) But this doesn't mean they're together. Raphael thinks it was just to get rid of the feeling and Leo...Well...He did kiss him for that reason, but...Part of him was using it as a mini excuse to kiss him. 
> 
> Aaanyway
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always loved!!


	6. Destructive Words and Broken Pills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anger made words can shatter the heart, leading it to find refuge in little, white tablets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update. I've been busy and I went to the movies on Monday with my mom and step dad. Have ya'll seen Suicide Squad yet???? OMMG I LOVED IT!!!!!! *Fangirls over Joker/Harley scenes* It was amazing!!! ^_^

Raphael smiled sadly as he leaned over Leo's shoulder, gently rubbing his fingers over the healing skin. He kissed Leo's neck, nuzzling his lips into the leafy skin.

"I love ya, Leo," He whispered, wrapping an arm around Leo's shell and tugging him closer.

"Mmm...I love y-you too, R-Raph..." Leo muttered softly as he shifted closer. Raphael smiled when he realized the other was talking in his sleep.

He smiled down at him, the shadowed rays of moonlight shining dimly through the closed curtains, illuminating the room. He stared down at the flushed face, caressing the sleeping boy's cheek. Moonlight shone dimly onto Leo's face, a light blue gleam brushing his leaf green skin.  

"Yer so beautiful, Fearless..." Raph murmured, his emerald eyes glassy with love as he watched the turtle shift lightly in his sleep.

He licked his lips as he stared down at the soft lips. He knew what those  _ felt  _ like, tasted like...He wanted to stay like this forever. It was addicted...Leo was addicting...And he never wanted to get over him. He wanted to be able to kiss, hug him without worrying that he was gonna send him into a flashback.

Raph smiled again as the older mumbled lightly to himself, nuzzling into Raph's arm that was wrapped around him. He hated to ruin this moment, the light gleamed perfected across the calm face, lips pouted adorably and a light blush across his face, but he had to wake the other up. It was past 10 and Leo needed to eat something, he may think Raph hadn't noticed his excuses and fake sleep, but he had. The other had lost over 5 pounds in less than a week due to stressing and starving.

Raphael closed his eyes, nuzzling lightly into his shoulder. The mood was broken almost 30 seconds later. Leonardo tensed, his body flinched as his breathing increased.

"N-no...P-pl-please stop...P-Please...'M s'rry..." He muttered, his lip trembling as he tried to get away from the monsters in his dreams.

"Hey, Leo. Baby, wake up. It's just a dream," Raph said softly, brushing his thumb against the tears.

" 'M s'rry...I-I shouldn' hav'....'M sorry..."

"Shhhh, it's okay. They can't hurt ya," He tightened his grip around the boy, brushing the tears away. "Wake up, it's okay..."

"Mmmm...R-Raphie...." He looked down at the boy only to find him still sleeping. "'M sorry, R-Raphie...'M s'rry...."

"Shhhh, just wake up,"

"Hphm...R-Raph? W-What happened?" Glazed eyes looked up at him, clouded with tears.

"Ya were havin' a nightmare,"

"Mhpm...C-Can I go back ta bed now?"

"Nope, ya gotta eat something, baby..." He didn't missed the feared look that crossed his face.

"I-I'm not hungry..." He stuttered out, his stomach growling as a protest.

"I think yer body isn't so sure 'bout that." Leo whined quietly as he turned around, snuggling into his plastron.

"I don't wanna get up," He whispered while running his fingers across the scars on Raph's arms. "I'm sorry...About...Last night...I-I didn't...I didn't mean t-to make you uncomfortable...Or something..." Leo blushed.

"Ya didn' make me uncomfortable, it's okay. Ya don't gotta apologize."

"Mmmm, okay...C-can I sleep...Just for a few more minutes...Please, Raph..." Leo looked up, pouting slightly at the other turtle.

"Uugh, fine. Can't say no ta that cute li'l pout," He tapped the lip lightly, smirking at the blush that rose with the touch. "C'mere, but when we wake up yer eatin'. I ain't lettin' ya stave, Fearless." Leo smiled lightly as he cuddled into the open arms, sighing at the warmth.

"M'Kay..."

* * *

 

**_Outside with Donnie and Mikey_ **

Mikey hummed quietly as he watched his older brother type quickly on the computer, tapping his own fingers against his knee guards.

"Don?" He whispered nervously.

"Hm?"

"Is Leo gonna be alright? I-I mean...We don't even know all of what happened to him, apparently...A-And he doesn't w-want to tell us..." Donnie looked up from his computer at the shaking turtle. He wrapped his arm around Mikey's shoulder and pulled him against his plastron.

"Leo's strong, he'll pull through, he always does. He just needs us to be there when he needs someone,"

"B-But...What if he doesn't...Sensei isn't here, he's here t-to help him, dude! W-We're alone! We're children! A-And...We're not the ones who normally take care of Leo, it's always the other way around...I-I don't know how t-to help him...I want to! B-But I'm scared it's gonna end up like it did in the kitchen..."

"That wasn't your fault, Mike."

"I-I started the co-conversation...It was too..." The youngest turtle hid his face, biting back the sobs in his throat.

"You didn't know he was going to freak out like that,"

"B-But still..."

"No! This wasn't your fault, Mikey. He needed to talk, and yes, he reacted badly because of it, but he's fine now."

"L-look at 'im! He's not fine! I-I...I need my big brother back..." Mikey closed his eyes, small droplets of water dripping down his face. He rubbed harshly at his eyes as his lip trembled.

"We all do, but, this time, we've gotta be there for him. He's always there when we need him, always. We've got to be here for him now."

"But what if he never gets better?"

"He will, he always pulls through situations like this. He always does the impossible, and he'll do it again."

"He really does...Doesn't he?"

"He'll be okay, Mikey. Just don't blame yourself, none of this was your fault."

"But...H-he...He gave up...For me...Because I wasn't strong enough to take on Sh-Shredder."

"No! He didn't give up because he didn't think you're strong enough, he did it because he loves you. And he couldn't live knowing that he'd let Shredder get you. That's why he did it, not because he didn't think you were strong enough. I'm sure...He knew what Shredder was going to do, and he couldn't live with himself if he let that happen to you."

"He's right, Mike. Fearless just doesn't know when ta trust us , but me and Don woulda done tha same." The two youngest turtles jumped at the new voice as Raph rubbed his eyes lazily. He leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms. "And no," He interrupted Mikey. "It ain't because we don't think yer weak, it's because it's our job! We're tha older brother ta you two, Fearless feels like this 'bout all of us. He'd do anythin' ta protect us, even if most of the time it's stupid and reckless," He stride quickly over to the couch, picking Mikey up before sitting down, pulling the boy down into his side. "But 'e cares, and that's why he gave up ta Shredder. Not because 'e doesn't think yer strong enough ta take on Shredder, but 'cause he's not strong enough ta live with knowing that he let Shredda go afta ya," He tightened his grip around Mikey's shoulders.

Mikey sighed as he leaned against Raph's plastron, struggling to hold his tears in. "But why does he always have ta do it alone?"

"Because that's what he's been taught...I love Sensei...I do, but he's got to loosen up on Leo some. He may be  _ our _ leader, but he's still got emotions."

"I wish he'd trust us more..."

"I don't think it's that he doesn't trust us, it's that he doesn't want to bother us. Like he's got to be stronger for us, that he can't show weakness."

Mikey wiped his tears away, looking up. "Guys! I know what we should do!" He jumped up, smiling happily. His brothers raised their eye ridges at his sudden mood change. "We should have a picnic! Just the four of us, like old times in the sewers."

"That's....That actually sounds nice, Mikey...We should do that,"

"Today! I'll go and get April! She'll help me make food!" Mikey didn't wait for a response as he rushed out of the shed.

"Um..Well okay then..." Raph chuckled lightly as he leaned against the couch, smiling dreamily at the wall.

"Raph?"

"Hm?"

"Ya okay?" Donatello asked bemusedly, causing the hothead to jump.

"Oh, what...Um yea, I'm okay." He smiled nervously at Donnie before jumping up. "I'm gonna...Go...Check on Leo."

Donnie rolled his eyes as Raph walked out, pulling the computer back onto his lap.

* * *

 

**_Inside_ **

"April!" The redheaded girl jumped out of the loveseat, the book she was holding fell to the floor with a  _ thud _ . Mikey rushed into the room, a large smile on his face. "I need your help,"

"With?" She couldn't help returning a smile to the excited turtle.

"I thought it'd be good for Leo if he went on a picnic," She raised her eyebrow, giggling lightly. "Like old times, cause in the sewers...We weren't allowed to leave the lair, but he'd always make something up for us to do. So I think it'd be good for him to just relax with like old times."

"I take it that means just you guys?" She giggled again as they walked into the kitchen.

"Well, no offence! I just..."

"It's okay, Mikey. I think it's a great idea," She kissed his cheek lightly with a laugh as the back door opened.

"Hiya, Raph."

"Hmphm," Raphael slumped lazily at the table, resting his chin on his forearms as he stared at the dishes in front of him. "Has Leo woke up yet?"

"Nope, he went back to bed after eating." April said softly as she pulled the condiments out of the fridge.

"How much he eat?"

She sighed sadly, rubbing his bicep gently. "Not much, I'm sure it's just stress. His appetite 'll pick up soon,"

Raph frowned deeply and nodded. "Yea, he's losin' too much weight...It ain't healthy," He muttered. Mikey looked up at his older brother before smiling.

"He was happier though," He said nonchalantly as he stroked the butter knife across the bread.

"Huh?" The other two said in unison, looking up at Mikey.

"What? He was, he had  _ that _ look in his eyes. He didn't seem as depressed either when we were training, he was staring at the ground with a li'l smile," Mikey chuckled as he hummed, shrugging. "I think whateva you did, Raph," He didn't miss the bright blush that covered the mentioned boy's face, and neither did the redhead. "It helped. He was happier." No one said anything for a few minutes until Mikey spoke again. "W-What did you do? After you took him back into the room,"

Raph's mouth opened and closed a few times as his blush deepened, crossing his arms. "Nuthin'! I didn' do nuthin', he's just over reactin'."

"Over reactin' to what?" Casey laughed from the doorway, throwing an arm around Raph's tense shoulders.

"Nuthin'! It didn't mean nuthin'," He snapped, shoving the laughing human away.

"You liiiiike him," Mikey laughed with the human, brushing off the glare his brother sent him.

"I do not! Okay?"  _ He knew he needed to calm down, the only thing his anger was going to do was hurt someone; most of the time it was Leo. _

"Hahaha, sure, dude."

His fists clenched at his sides as he glared daggers at his baby brother. "Would ya quit sayin' shit like that, Mikey! It's disgustin'!" He slammed his fists against the table, causing the three to look at him. Mikey bit his lip to hold back the small, yet fading, smile. Casey glared at him, rolling his eyes.

"Quit bein' such a drama queen, Raph."

_ It was like the little creature holding back his anger disappeared. _ "Why, outta all the people ya coulda chosen, ya choose 'im!?" Mikey giggled lightly at him.

"Because you so like him!" The hockey player muttered.

"Ha! As if I'd like a li'l whore like that!" His fists slammed into Casey's side, sending him into the wall.

"Raph!" April jumped up, grabbing one of his arms while Mikey grabbed the other.

"What's wrong with you!"

"Wh-What's wrong with me!? You're kiddin' right!"

"Raphael! Knock it off!" Mikey jumped up from the spot on the floor where Raph had knocked him to, shoving his brother against the counter. The latter glared heatedly at him. "It's called a joke, dude. Relax! Now ya just bein' mean! And you've got no right to call Leo that! In the slightest!"

_ He should apologize, he knows that...But his anger didn't seem to agree with that. Red clouded his mind and vision, words he knew he didn't mean yet he still spat them viciously at them. _

"I've got every right ta call 'im that! I'm allowed! It's a free fuckin' country!"

"Is this how you're gonna act from now on!? Cause  **_we_ ** both know this is ya tryin' to cover something," Casey snapped at him, pushing April behind him and for the first time, she didn't fight against it.

"Hahaha, yea, sure! Like I'd ever like someone like that!"

"Like what?!"

"Casey..."

"Shut it, Red!"

"A whore!"  **SHUT UP!** "That's all he is! A li'l Splinta Junior who thinks he can act like 'tis and get away with everythin'! 'E can't even fight anymore because he's too fuckin' weak, no longer "perfect" now that we know the real 'im! Ya know, tha li'l whore that slits his fuckin' skin!"  **‘SHUT UP, YOU STUPID FUCKER’**

"RAPH!" He felt the fist connect with his cheek, but his angry drained as he smacked into the ground. "Wh-what's wrong w-with you!" He could hear the stutter in his baby brother's voice, the cracking...He was crying.

He felt disgusted with himself as the previous night flashed through his mind, the softness of  _ his _ lips that pressed gently against his, the steady thumping of  _ his _ heart against his forearm, the small breaths that escaped  _ his  _ lungs as he slept, the bright blush that cover  _ his _ face when he talked...But  **he** was in love... **He** was in love with his brother... **His** older brother... **His** broken brother...And  **he'd** just called him names...For no better reason than  **his** feelings and  **his** disgust for  **himself** .

* * *

 

_ This couldn't be...Be happening… _

His chest tightened painfully as he leaned against the wall outside the kitchen, his arm falling limply to his side. The thin paper clenched in his hand as tears dripped onto the floor.

**Whore**

He...He thought he was...Was a whore...He finally saw it...S-So...Why did it hurt so much...

**Disgusting**

A disgusting little whore...He couldn't speak...The lump in his throat felt larger than his fist...

He smiled...A small, sad smile...The invisible warmth he'd felt all day disappeared...J-just...Just once...He thought...Maybe...These  _ feelings _ might...Just might...Be returned...

He didn't realize he was back upstairs until the bathroom door shut behind him, a soft clicking snapping him out of his thoughts.

"W-Whore?" He whispered, subconsciously touching his plastron. It hurt...His heart...It burned and ached...

‘ _ You know better than to get your hopes up! It was only a matter of time before he saw you how you see yourself! For the truth...A disgusting, little, fucked up, attention whore! And that's all you are...A whore.’ _

He sniffled as he touched his cheek, the warm wetness met his flesh. He was crying...Of course he was crying!

_ 'It wasn't yer fault' _

_ 'Yer not a whore, baby," _

**'Too fuckin' weak!'**

**'Tha li'l whore that slips his fuckin' skin!"**

His body trembled, sliding down the door. A bright shining glare hit his eyes, making him look over. Glass...There was the broken mirror in the trash. Glass...Sharp...His breath ripped together as his fingers itched towards the sharpness, clenching it tightly between his fingertips.

"R-Raph...Doesn't love me...H-he's never..L-Loved me...No-none of them hav-have...O-of course not...How could they...L-Love a...A whore...Failure...F-Freak..." He muttered brokenly, staring at the metal. He pushed it deeply into the soft flesh on his arm, ripping it across. Blood gushed to the surface, dripping quietly off his arm. He whimpered quietly, re-opening the healing cuts.

"I-I'm sorry...I'm so-sorry I-I'm so weak...I-I..." He cried, stuffing a cloth into his mouth. He sobbed as he ripped the flesh. The glass was sharper than he thought, ripping gashes into his arms.

_ 'They don't care! You're nothing, but a whore!' _

He sobbed, banging his head against the door as he dropped the blood covered glass shard, picking up the small letter he had been holding.

* * *

 

_ Dear Raph... _

_ I...I know dealing with me isn't easy. But I do really appreciate it. Thank you so much, I-I never thought I was         going to tell anyone...What happened with Shredder, but I feel like I'm going  to be okay. _

_ I know last night was probably really awkward, but...I didn't have any nightmares. It really helped me. You're the   best brother I could ask for... _

_                                                                                              Anyway...Thanks... _

_                                                                                                                           Love, Leo... _

* * *

 

 

The letter was now crumbled, , small droplets of blood dripping down onto the paper. He cried, harder than he ever had before. The pain was unbearable, and nothing he did seemed to stop it...He just...He didn't want to feel like this anymore...He looked up at the broken medicine cabinet, the multiply bottles of pills shined brightly it seemed. It'd be so easy...Just swallow them...All...It'd all be over...He'd never have to deal with nightmares, panic attacks, feelings, heartbreak... _ His _ failures...

_ 'They don't need you' _

"Ah..." He choked on silent words, reaching his hand up to the corner of the counter as he lifted himself up. He drifted his fingertips across the cold bottles, sucking in breaths slowly as he popped the caps off the three bottles. The small pills tapped against the counter as he poured them lazily into his hand. His body slid down again, the bottles falling next to him as he poured the pills from one hand to the other. He ignored the blood that dripped from the newer cuts, soaking into some of the small pills.

Sleeping pills, Pain Killers, Anti-Depressives...There was more than 100 pills, they shined at him, quietly telling him...Asking him...Begging him...Just to take them...

_ It'll be okay...Just do it...Just do it... _

Tears streamed down his face as he dropped the pills down his throat, swallowing them dry. He forced small handfuls down, his throat tightened sickly as he leaned against the wall. He choked on his tears and the force back, the pills were making him tired. He felt sick...He...He wanted to die...

"I-I'm sorry...'M s'rry..."

The world blurred around him, dark spots invading his vision as he drifted into darkness.

"R-R'ph..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehehe I love cliffhangers :)) I'll update as soon as I can. Meanwhile, it'd mean a lot if ya'll checked out my newest story, "Till The Sun Dies". It would mean so much!!! :))) And about this chapter, we all know Raph's temper gets 'im into trouble sometimes...  
> Hope you guys are havin' a great day!!!!!


	7. Mistakes and Wants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is so short!!!! I felt bad for not updating, so I'm giving you this. I swear I'll make the next chapter longer!!

Mikey's fists clenched next to him as Casey tried to get Raphael to talk, the latter had just been staring horridly at the floor in front of him, not having moved from where Mikey himself had shoved him to. 

"Raph, buddy...Talk ta us!"

"I-I..."

_ He could feel it in his gut...Something was wrong...But he didn't know what...H-How...How could he say those things about Leo...He was a terrible brother...A terrible person, or turtle....But that feeling wasn't leaving...The feeling he got when something was wrong with Leo...Like he was hurt...Hurt... _

"M-Mikey..." The youngest turtle looked over reluctantly at the other, freezing at the panic in his eyes. "G-Go check on Leo..." While he was mad at Raph, he knew the hothead could feel when something was wrong with them...And if something was the matter with Leo, then he'd put his anger aside for a few minutes. 

"O-Okay!" He rushed out of the room, running up the creaking stairs as he tried to ignore the dread that overlapped the tightening knot in his stomach.  He ran into the room Leo had last been in, all air leaving his lungs when he realized his brother wasn't there. 

"L-Leo..." He looked around, ripping the covers off the bed and flinging them onto the floor. A small cry escaped him as he rushed into the hallway, looking around before his eyes landed on the closed bathroom door. "L-Leo?" He knocked gently, wiggling the knob. 

"Mmmm..."

"Leo!?" He struggled hopelessly with the door, pushing on it. He could tell Leo was leaning against it, but that wasn't going to stop him. He pushed harder, the loud creaking ripping at his eardrums as he squeezed inside. Opening his eyes only to find a sight he never wanted to see...

Leo was leaning against the wall, his shell pressed against the door. Blood covered the front of his plastron from his arm that was gushing blood. Deep rips covered the leaf green wrists, a large pool of blood dripped from them, creating a deep crimson puddle underneath his limp body. Pill bottles were throw on the floor in front of him, random pills scattered across his body and the ground. 

"L-Leo...O-Oh my god...R-Ra-RAPH! GUYS! ANYONE! HELP!" He screamed, falling to his knees in front of him, The soft, tear stained face held gently in his hands as he cried, as he noticed the loud footsteps approaching. 

"Mikey?"

"I-In here..."

Mikey pulled his limp brother's form away from the door as it began to open. April squeezed through the smaller opening, gasping at the sight. 

"Oh my god...R-Raph go get Donnie! Now! Casey get in here!" She said quickly, kneeling down beside the hysterical turtle. 

"April?"

"Just do it, Raph! Now!" She snapped, ripping the bottom strip of her shirt off and wrapping it around the bleeding wrist, tightening it before tying the ends together. Reaching blindly behind her for the paper towels, tapping her small fingers against the cotton before pulling them next to her. She ripped off a few before tapping them gently against the arm, the soft, white cotton turning red underneath her fingers as they absorbed the blood. "Mi-Mikey is there anything else?"

"I...I..."

"Sweetie, I know this is stressful and stuff, but is there anything else?"

"Pills...I think he..." Mikey shook his head, tapping the floor until he found what he was looking for. He showed her the empty bottles, staring blankly down at his brother. 

"Casey go get a first aid kit." She gasped lightly, grabbing the bottles. "These were full..." She muttered. The door opened again as Donnie knelt next to her, placing a hand on her shoulder as he sighed. 

"He overdosed," The purple-clad turtle muttered as he grabbed the limp form from his baby brother, nodding slowly to Mikey before grabbing the first aid kit from the hockey player. "Okay, I need you all to go downstairs. Everyone, but April. Now." The three nodded before moving numbly away, Casey practically dragging the hothead behind him. "I-I...I need to get the pills out of his system before they all dissolve," April simply nodded next to him. 

 

**_Downstairs_ **

**_(Sorry I don't really know how to write all that.)_ **

Mikey curled up on the end of the soft cushion, wrapping an arm around his knees as he tried to ignore the blood on his arms and hands. Tears dripped down his cheeks while he stared at the blurred floor. 

"W-Why..." He sniffled, rubbing his eyes as he looked up. "Is Don gonna be able to save him?" He struggled not to stutter, clenching his fists. 

"I don' know..." Raph whispered deadly, his eyes twitching as he forced back the tears. 

"T-this...This wasn't your fault, Raph..."

"Yea, yea it was..."

"Dude, we don't know that." Casey crossed his arms, glaring lightly at the turtle. 

"Yea, we do." Raph snapped, rubbing subconsciously at his forearm, dragging his nails across the darker skin. He flinched when Mikey slapped his hand, the younger glaring sadly at him. 

"Don't! Okay, believe me, I'm still pissed about what happened in the kitchen! I am, but you're still my brother. And we've all dealt with your temper before, Leo more than the rest of us, and we all know you don't mean what you say most of the time. And I know you didn't mean what you said in there,"

"I did mean it..."

Mikey flinched lightly before blinking confusedly at him. "W-What?"

"You...You were right though...A-About my...Whatever it was...I do... Ya know, have a...Sorta...Crush on Leo..." He muttered, rubbing his thigh when he felt the couch next to him dip in as Casey sat next to him with Mikey on his other side. "I wa-wasn't directin' m-my anger at 'im, I was directin' it at myself," He muttered, crossing his arms. 

Mikey frowned as he wrapped an arm around Raph's shoulders. 

"W-Why?" He whispered. 

"B-Because! I-I mean...Look at 'im...He's so...B-broken and...Just...Ugh!" Raph buried his head between his hands, glaring at the floor. 

"Raph,"

"I can't stop these feelings! I-I've tried...So many times...A-and it just keeps getting worse...And he's so...Clingy? No...Ugh that makes it sound worse...He's always around me, all the time..."

Mikey blinked, shifted next to his brother before sighing. 

"A-and...I just...I wanna touch him all the fuckin' time! And I can't, 'cause he's like this...Not that I could in the first place, but he was never around me 'tis much...A-And..." He looked up, pulling his knees against his chest. "H-He asked me ta kiss 'im last night..."

"What!?" Mikey and Casey stared at the boy, turtle, between them.

Raph laughed lightly before sobering again. "That's what I said...He said..I'd take away the feeling...Of...That fucker...Ya know?" He avoided their eyes, a small blush rising up his neck. 

"Ya kissed 'im didn't you?" Casey smirked lightly as the blush got brighter.

"Y-yea...I..."

"Why would you do that?!"

"He asked me to! A-and I tried to pull back quicker! He's the one who wouldn' let me go!" While Raph attempted to make his voice threatening towards his younger brother, the burning warmth on his face betrayed him. He bit his lip, rubbing his tongue against the chapped skin. 

"H-he...Oh please...Even if you couldn't see it, dude, we could...I doubt the real reason he wanted you to kiss him was to take the feeling away...He probably just wante' ta kiss ya," Mikey snickered as he dodged a pillow. 

"Shut it, Mikey!" 

"He'll be okay..." Mikey said after a minute of silence, picking at the threads on the pillow Raph had thrown at him.

"And then what?"

"You apologize, ya beg for forgiveness and tell him how you feel if ya have to!" Mikey snapped, crossing his arms. 

"I ca-"

"You have to! Either you tell him or I will." 

They sat in a tense silence for the next hour, muttering a few soft words to each other. 

"'M scared..." Mikey was now curled against Raph's side, staring blankly at the wall. 

"Mphm..."

Two hours past, the soft thumping upstairs and creaking of the boards were the only sound they heard until the living room door opened, Donnie and April walked in and collapsed against the empty love seat. April turned and curled against his plastron, grabbing the water bottle off the coffee table and gulping it down. 

"Do-Donnie..."

"He's fine...Probably'll sleep for the r-rest of the day...But he's okay...T-the pills hadn'...Dissolved...But his wrists wouldn't stop bleeding...I wanna know what happened," Donnie opened his red-brown eyes, glaring lightly at them. "B-but right now...W-we're gonna sleep." He nodded lightly, wrapping an arm around April's waist and resting his head against her's, closing his eyes as he fell asleep. 

  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raph's gonna get to apologize next chapter ^_^ Let's hope he didn't screw everything up to much.


	8. Broken Mutants with Unrevealed Pasts and Insecurities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that Shinigami wasn't introduced until a few weeks ago, but this is slightly AU so I'm making her show up early to help Karai, who after finding and saving Splinter, stayed with him to make sure he was okay, because I totally love her character and soooo ship her and Karai <3   
> And by the way the words "Kajō sesshu" and "Kiken-ryō" Mean overdosing or overdose in Japanese. ^_^

It...It was freezing cold...And blurry...Pitch black blurriness...It was like a nightmare. Maybe this _was_  a nightmare...He didn't remember how, or when, he got there. It was so cold, but unlike in his other nightmares....There wasn't any people, or voices, or...Or well...Anything...It was blank...Pure and total darkness...And nothing else...And that...That scared him...

He didn't want to be alone...

He looked around even with the knowledge that he wouldn't see anything, biting down on his lip. He had to get back to his brothers...His brothers...He needed to g-get back to them...

_ He couldn't remember...M-maybe they left him here...Maybe he was...Was too big of a burden... _

**Of course, it's you!**

_...No! They...They wouldn't do that...T-They love him...They do! The-they... _

"They love me..."

**Ha ha ha, no they don't!**

"Yes they do! They do love me! They do!" He screamed into the darkness, his knees colliding against the invisible ground. 

_ They..They were his family...They wouldn't...Wouldn't do that... _

**OF COURSE THEY WOULD YOU LITTLE WHORE!!!**

Th-they....Wou-wouldn't...

**LIAR! You know they woooooould!**  ' _Stupid...Little sing song voices...'_ **AHAHAHA**

He felt so...So alone...

So...Terribly...Alone...

If it was possible...It got darker, colder...And there was nothing...No on-...T-there was another presence...

"Leonardo?"

"S-sensei?!" He felt his knees scarp against the invisible concrete as he jumped up. He still couldn't see anything, it was **too** dark...But it was comforting now. 

"Leonardo, my son."

"Sensei...O-oh my god,"

"My son, listen. Concentrate on my voice, my child."

"O-okay...Okay."

"Where are you?" He shook his head, biting his lip. 

"I-I don't know, i-it's...It's black...Pitch black, I-I can't see anything..." 

"What is the last thing you remember?"

"U-Um...W-we were...Were a-at the farmhouse...A-and..." His eye ridges scrunched together, clutching his forehead. "I-it was dark...In the room...A-and...There was so much pain..."

"Were you attacked?!"

"N-no? I..." A light tapping sound hit his ear before he looked down at his arms. Deep, thick cuts covered the leafy colored skin, blood dripping off his finger tips in lines and tapping against the ground. And everything...It came back, like a wave. His heart tightened painfully. "O-oh my god," He struggled forward, his knees meeting the ground once against.

"Leonardo?"

"I-I'm so sorry, Sensei...I-I'm...Oh god, I'm a disgrace...Dishonorable...Oh god..." He choked, tears spilling from his eyes. 

"My son? Please, speak to me." 

"I-I tired....I...I tried to commit Kajō sesshu...Kiken-ryō" He muttered, fear creeping into his veins. "O-oh god..."

"O-oh...My son, this does not make you dishonorable..."

"I-I failed, Sensei...I-I lost...A-against Shr-" His voice cracked as all the air left his lungs. "Shr-Shredder..."

"I know, my child. But that only make you stronger in time. Do not allow this set back to destroy you."

"I-I can't do this, Master...I-It 'urts...It's so...So...Hard..." 

"Please, I believe in you, my child. Go back to your brothers, heal, regain your energy and return here."

"Y-You're alive?"

"Of course, Karai has helped me with the help of her...Friend." He sounded amused. 

**_Karai...The...The perfect daughter...Perfect...Fucking...Daughter..._ **

"Oh...Okay...I-I...I'll....I'll try t-to go back, Sensei...I wanna make you proud..."

....

....

....

"Sensei?"

....

....

....

The presence was gone...A-and...He was alone...

"I'm sorry...I-I...I didn't mean...Sensei...Sensei?...Sensei!" He whimpered, tears streaming down his face. 

And now he was imperfect...Again... **He**  was no longer the eldest...The "Perfect" student...He was...He was just the whore...The "Whore"...

"F-Father?"

* * *

 

_It's been two days since Fearless overdosed, or tried ta at least. I really miss 'im...I miss both of 'im...The versions...The older and newer....I don't care which, I just want 'im back...So...So badly...Don's tried ta get me ta move, but I don't wanna...I wanna be 'ere when he wakes up...Like I wasn't last time...I wanna apologize...I **need** apologize, I wanna make sure 'e's okay..._

* * *

 

His chest rose evenly from where he was lying peacefully on the queen sized bed, the large blankets hugged against his body tightly, almost like a coffin. Raph hadn't moved since they had moved the unconscious boy into the room, he was refusing to eat or sleep, just staring nervously at the ground, Leo or the bedding. It was going on the 24 hour mark when his eyes drifted shut despite his attempts to keep them open. It was three hours later Leo woke up.

* * *

The world was bright, too bright. And warmer, but the warm was nice. He blinked painfully until the area cleared around him, looking around the room. A tightening grip on his arm caught his attention and he looked down at his immediate younger brother who was clinging to his hand like his life depended on it.

"R-" His throat was raw and dry, like sandpaper, but he needed to wake his brother up. "R-Raph," He shook his hand, forcing himself not to look to long at the thick bandages on his wrists. The other turtle stirred before shooting up, yawning tiredly as he looked up, his eyes doing wide as he jumped up. 

"L-Leo! O-Oh my, you're awake! Yer awake," Raph smiled, wrapping his arms around the smaller, fragile turtle. "I'm so sorry,"

"I know, I-it's okay..."

"No....No it's not, we both know ya heard what I said in tha kitchen," Leo tensed, avoiding the emerald eyes. "But, we both know ho-how I get when I'm upset, or angry...And I swear ta ya, I didn't mean any of that! I mean it!"

_O-Of course ya did, sweetie...You just...Of course ya don't wanna hurt me anymore...Because then you'll all feel guilty...But it's okay...I'm good at hiding my feelings...I'll make sure you guys are happy....All of you.._. _I-it's okay, Sweetie...I'll do this...For you..._

He smiled up at his younger brother, shrugging his shoulders. "It's okay, I over reacted...Really."

"It's not okay, Leo...You almost died, again..."

**'QUIT LYING TA THA LITTLE FUCKIER!'**

_'He...Maybe he means it...'_

**'SHUT THE FUCK UP! AHAHAHA Yer not buyin' this are ya!? Damn...Yer more pathetic than I thought...'**

He wanted to scream, to tell that stupid little voice to shut up...To leave him alone...But...At the end of the day...When his brothers would leave...And he would be _alone_...All...Alone...And the only thing keeping him company was the Little...Dark...Voice...Was the only one who talked to him...During those days when his brothers ignored him...And Sensei was busy...This Little...Dark...Voice was the only one...Who cared...He... _It_...Wouldn't lie to him...

"Raph, it's okay, really." ' **HA HA HA FUCKER! WEAKLING!'**

Raphael shook his head, holding the smaller boy at arms length without looking him in the face. 

**'He can't even look at-cha, you li'l whore! He's still DISGUSTED with ya!'**

"'M s'rry..."

"Oh god! He's awake!" April's higher pitched voice came from the doorway, interrupting the "moment" as both of the turtles looked up, jumping apart. She walked forward, smiling softly at the dazed boy. "Why didn't you tell us he woke up?"

"I-I..."

"Go get Don, Raph." She said, placing her hands over her hips with a sassy look. When he made no move to get up she flicked  her wrists in a "shooing" motion. "Go, go! Now," The turtle rolled his eyes before grumpily getting up and walking out of the room. April walked over to the bed and sat down, smiling softly at Leo. "Hey, sweetie."

"H-Hi..." He coughed, rubbing his throat. 

"Do you need some water? Oh, of course, I'm sorry," She reached into her bag, pulling out a bottle of water and handing it to him. He smiled thankfully at her as he drank it down quickly. 

"T-thank you, April..." 

"No problem, sweetie. Are you in any pain?" She asked, noticing the whine he gave when he grabbed the bottle. 

"M-my arms...B-but I'm..I'm u-use t-to the pain..F-from that..." He muttered, his nose twitching as he avoided her eyes. 

She sighed sadly, rubbing his bicep gently. "I'm still gonna give you some pain killer if Don gives the okay." 

"M'kay...A-April...?"

"Yea?"

"W-Wh....Who found me?" He whispered nervously, rubbing his feet together. 

She shifted nervously, biting her lip. She understood his nervousness, it wasn't a pretty sight when they found him in that bathroom....And it'd kill him knowing that Mikey's the one that found him in the state....But she couldn't lie. She knew what would happen in the long run. 

"M-Mikey...Raph told him...To come up and check on you a-after the little...Event in the kitchen...He got into the bathroom and stuff, and called out for us...But...He was the one who found you..." 

"...W....Was it bad?" He looked up, his voice cracking as the end. 

"N-no, of course no-..." Leo gave her that " _Shut-the-fuck-up-and-tell-me-the-truth_ " look and she sighed.  "Y-yea...It was bad...There was blood everywhere, pills all over the floor...W-when I got up there, he was holding you, crying...I don't think he realized we were there...He kept talking, begging you to survive, pleading for you to live...H-He kept saying...That no one was gonna comfort him when the nightmares were worse, o-or when Raph was trying to kill him...He was clutching you to his chest, sobbing...It was hard, ya know?" She gripped his bicep tighter. "W-we had to pump your stomach, manually. You almost didn't survive, Leo...A-and...I know you don't believe this, but your brothers need you, like really need you, believe me. It was terrible when you were in the coma, Mikey cried a lot, Donnie never talked and Raph nearly starved 'cause he refused to leave you."

"Not that h-he cares now..."

"He didn't mean it sweetie, he says a lot of stuff when he's angry."

"Y-you don't know him...I...He meant it...I meant it..." Leo nodded, staring blankly. "I wanted to die...So...So badly...I'm so tired of the pain...And the suffering..."

"I know sweetie...But you can't leave, you can't do this again...'Cause...We might not be able to save you this time, or get there in time, or find you...That would destroy your brothers...And Master Splinter...I-If...If he's alive..."

"He is!" Leo looked up, smiling at her. "I talked to him! W-when I was unconscious, h-he said..He said he was okay a-and that Karai was helping him..." He nodded, the sad look coming back when he said her name. 

"Leo?"

"Hmm? I-it's okay...H-he's okay...We'll g-go back to New York a-and....Defeat the Kraang and...Sensei will take care of m-my  brothers...A-and then... Then _I_  won't have to...He'll take care of them..."

"No, you're not gonna try anything after we get back there,"

"Why? Why! T-they won't need me a-after that! I-I won't be of any use, not that I am right now....B-but..."

"Sweetie! You're not going to die by your own hand, understand me? You're not going to leave your brothers, not now, and not after we get to New York."

"Leo!" He didn't get the chance to respond as Donatello ran in, wrapping his arms around his older brother's body quickly before pulling back, smiling at him. "Are you in any pain?"

April crossed her arms as he started to say "no". "M-My arms...And throat, but...The water helped...M-my throat at least...B-but...My arms really hurt..." He whispered nervously, avoiding their eyes like he had done something wrong. Don smiled as he pulled a small bottle out of the first aid nervously, the tension in the air just from the sight of the bottle was thick enough to cut with a knife. Leo's eyes traveled over the bottle to the small pills Don poured into his hand, licking his lips as his fingers twitched eagerly. "I-I..." His eyes were wide as his body trembled, pulling his knees up while shaking his head. 

"Take these," Donnie held his hand out, four small red pills in his palm. 

"A-are you sure...T-that won't like...Mess up my stomach o-or something?" Donnie shook his head with a small smile. 

"You heal faster because of the mutagen," Leo took the pills, along with the water, quickly, wincing as they scrapped against the surface of his throat. 

"T-thanks, Don..." 

"You okay? Other than that?" Leo nodded, sighing lightly as he looked up, his shoulders sagging when he noticed Raphael wasn't in the room, his eye lids becoming heavy as his sapphire orbs filled with sadness. 

_'Of course...Of course he wouldn't come back...H-He...He didn't have to...To come back...You little whore...'_

"Y-yea...I-I...I just wanna sleep...I-if that's...That's okay?" Donnie looked like he wanted to say "no". "Please, Donnie, please...I-I...Please I wanna sleep...I don't wanna think about any of this...Just please," He looked around, staring sadly at the door. 

April looked over at Don, the problem clicking in both their minds. "Leo, sweetie...It's no-"

"Pl-please," He choked out, tears filling his eyes. "P-pl-plea-se, I-I just wanna s-sle-sleep...I-I...I-I wanna d-die! I-I do-don't wa-nna d-do this an-anymore! P-plea-ease," His shoulder shook as he curled into his side, clutching his stomach painfully. His knees shook together as he sobbed, feeling thin, pale arms wrap around him. "I-I don-don't wa-wanna li-live like t-th-this any-more!" 

"Leo!" Mikey ran in, ignoring the tension  and the tears and he climbed, well more like jumped, onto the bed, crawling between his older brothers legs and nuzzled into his neck, squeezing his body close to him.  "W-why are you crying?" He asked, sitting up, staring at his big brother with wide eyes. 

"M-Mikey...Oh my god...I'm so sorry," Leo wrapped his arms around Mikey's shell, sobbing harder into his neck. "I-I'm sorry, I-I didn't me-mean...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." He whispered after a few minutes, his sobs turned into soft sniffles. Donnie was on one side with April on the other, Mikey was in front of him. 

"Leo,"

"I'm sor-sorry...I-I'm such a fuck up...I'm sorry..."

"No you're not,"

"Yes, I am...I'm so sorry...I-I..."

"Is this about m-me being the one t-that found you?"

"I'm so sorry..."

"Leo! It's okay, really,"

"N-no, it's my fault...I keep fucking things up, I keep fuckin' everything up...Everything...Constantly..." 

"Leo, stop it! You're not, it's okay. I mean it!" 

"No...No...No...No..."

"I-I...It hurts...I...I just want Raphie..." He choked out, staring past them all at the doorway like the hothead was going to come in and sweep him off his feet.

The three glanced at each other, worried about the health of their brother/friend. 

"B-but Raphie do-doesn't care...H-he doesn't care a-abou-out me...'C-cause...I-I fucked it up...I-I fucked i-it up!" His body shook with small sobs again. 

"No! He's just..."

"Pissed off? Disgusted? Coming to his senses?" He spat, shivering as he cried. 

"No!" Mikey said forcefully. "I've already talked to him about this! H-he's not disgusted with you, Leo! He's ashamed of himself, that's what he said." 

"A-and what makes you t-think h-he's no-not lying!" 

"Because we're brothers!"

"SO!? We've all l-lied to each other! Ju-just 'cause we're "related" doesn't mean we're truthful! We lie all the fucking time!" He cursed, tears streaming down his face. 

It was weird to hear the oldest, maturest turtle curse, there was a few, reserved times he would lose his cool and lose it. 

"Not about stuff like this! You were dying!"

"So? Y-You should have ju-just let me die! I WANTED TO DIE! Wh-why co-coul-could y-you ju-st let me d-die!" Leo pounded, weakly, against Mikey's plastron with his fists. "W-why...Why...I-I just...Just wanted to die...I-I want the p-pain to stop..." He whispered, resting his forehead against the plastron. "P-please...Ju-just...Just let my pa-pain stop...P-pleas-ease..."

"Oh Leo....' April frowned as she rested her head against his shoulder. 

"Ca-can I sleep...Can..Can I please...Just...Sl-sleep..."

"Yea, get some rest, Leo...Just call if you need us..." Donnie said reluctantly. 

"C-can..." He gripped Mikey's arm, his eyes drifting shut as small tears fell down onto the blankets. "I-I don't wanna be alone...With them..."

"With who?"

"Th-the voices," Mikey smiled lightly at him before curling up on the other side, wrapping an arm around Leo's shoulders and tugged him closer, smiling largely at Don and April. 

"I'll take care of 'im, dudes! Go do your lovey dovey stuff, I'mma tell 'im a story until he falls asleep." He grinned, turning back to Leo, who stared up at him. 

"Okay, Mikey. Just...Just call if anything happens or h-he's in pain or can't sleep or,"

"It's okay, Don! I gots this," He gave his brother a thumbs up, grinning at him, causing Don to roll his eyes before sighing. 

"O-okay, just..." He put his hands up. "Okay," Don and April walked out, well...More like April dragging the genius out of the room. 

"T-thanks, Mike...Fo-for staying ...Y-you didn't have too...Y-ya know..."

"Of course I do, it's gonna be _my_  job now. ya know, ta take care of you. Like you always do for us..." He trailed off, staring at the wall before shaking his head, putting a fake smile on his face. "Get some rest, big bro."

* * *

 

**In New York with Master Splinter**

The candle's fire light flickered against the walls, dimly glowing the room. The strong stent of incenses filling his nose as the old rat inhaled, opening his beady black eyes that shined with a mixture of darkness and sadness. The thirst for revenge was swirling in his stomach, the thought of what _that man_  did to his son...Cause his son to turn to...But he shut it out. He had to make a safe place for his children to return to, somewhere these "memories" would not burden them. He wished to contact his sons, or their human friends. But their cellphones were destroyed, and he had no way to contact them from the cheese phone. 

The smaller "room" he was staying in was satisfying, but it wasn't home. He missed his sons, the sounds of them in the lair, training, playing video games or explosions, but he missed it. The dirtiness of the lair, the smell of pizza, and the yelling from his sons...And he missed it...So...So much...And he loved his daughter, Karai, a lot, but it wasn't the same. They were quiet, Karai and Shinigami, but it was too quiet. 

The room was "walled" by a thin sheet, a select few pieces of furniture from the lair that survived were laid out through out the little room. A smaller bed in the corner with a coffee table in the middle, surrounded by throw pillows. Everything was lightly worn, but it was closer to home. A soft, thick red blankets covering the sheets on the mattress, a couple of pillows. He spent most of his time in here meditating, trying to contact any of his children. But _this_...This is not what he wanted...What he expected...For his oldest to try and commit Kajō sesshu, but he also knew that The Shredder's actions against the turtle would have consequences, this was worse than he expect though. He thought Leonardo was stronger than this. He had a responsibility to his family, to his clan. He was the (leader)! He was suppose to be stronger, but no...No! He...He could not blame Leonardo's actions in sense of his strength, He could not  _blame_ his eldest for these events. 

He sighed heavily, standing up and brushing off his robes, allowing his mind to clear as he walked out of the room, looking over at the couch where Karai was curled against Shinigami's thigh as the latter played video games. Karai looked up, jumping over the couch quickly as her father approached, biting her lip. He was suspecting the two were closer than "friends", but Karai would not come talk to him about it and he was not going to force her. 

"Hello, father...Di-did you...Contact them?"

He nodded grimly. "Yes, I contacted Leonardo...But things aren't going well for them." He said simply, placing his hands behind his back. "I lost connection quickly, but I hope he is okay. But I understand he needs time to heal from these events." 

"What Shredder did wasn't right! We should go after him! You can take him, you've got me and Shini' to take care of the henchmen," 

"No! I will not put another one of my children in danger, not like this. When my sons return, healed and prepared, we will take on The Shredder and his men, but not now." Master Splinter snapped sternly, sighing lightly while rubbing his temples.

"Hai, father." She nodded, bowing lightly to him. "Me and Shini are going to go patrol, see if there's anything new with the Kraang and Shredder, if that's okay."

He nodded again. "I shall meditate right now." She smiled lightly before turning around, motioning for Shinigami to follow, which the young witch did with a smile directed at the kunoichi.

* * *

 

**Back at the Farmhouse**

It was colder...He missed those strong, thick, buffer arms that would wrap around his body, squeezing the air out of him. The safeness and warmth he felt in those arms. He missed the sound of the soft breathing above his head while he snuggled into the hard plastron. He missed the feeling of the chapped, warm lips against his that sent shivers up his spine. He missed the feeling of the hard, yet gentle, hands on his waist, the tightening grip on his skin when he pulled him back. 

B-but that... _that_ was a miracle...A one in a million chance...It only happened because...Because Raph...He felt bad...For him...The little..Dirty...Fucked up...Worthless **whore**...

And now...The warmth was gone. Completely...And he felt completely alone...No matter how many times Mikey came up and tried to make him laugh, trying to bring up his spirit like he normal does when someone's sad, being the small ray of sunshine that brought everyone to life, or Don when he tried to make sure he was okay and he blocked him out, or when April tried to get him talk, trying to figure out how he was feeling, trying to get him to tell his brothers about Keith. Casey was probably more awkward cause they were never that close...But...Raph never visited him...Not once in the past three days since he woke up...And he could feel himself slipping farther and farther into the abyss called depression...But he couldn't get help...He was drowning in his own tears and he couldn't cry out loud enough. He _wanted_ to tell them about his past...The truth...But...They would just...

**'They already think yer a whore! What's another guy ya bent over and let fuck ya!?'**

They would just think he's more of a whore...T-this time... _This time_  they believed it wasn't his fault...And he knew...It wasn't...But...W-what happened wit-with Keith...That _was_ his fault... _He_  went up to the surface...Willingly!...And i-it was like...He went up there for _that_...He...H-he probably did...H-he was...He was gay? R-right...No...H-he liked girls...He did! Really...H-he just...He wasn't like those people that Sensei looked down on. T-those people...He wasn't like them...H-he...Sensei already h-had so...So much to be ashamed of...Of him...H-he was...Tainted...The-there was so many reasons to be disappointed in him....H-He couldn't give him anymore reasons...And he never looked a-at guys like that! T-they..Th-they were...We-were so...No...B-but...R-Raph was so...Just...Ugh...Just so...Fucking...Endearing...Erotic...So...Soooo irresistible...And irritable, and annoying, a-and...So...Hot...It wasn't like he looked at other people like that! He didn't look at Don or Mikey or Casey like this...J-just...Just Raph...That hotheaded, no good, disobedient....Amazing, caring, sexy, loving...Ugh...H-he's so...He couldn't _not_  fall for him...But it was only him....Only him...Just Raphael...The turtle that never listened to orders, that always questioned him, that always fought with him, that always second guessed him....That always cared for him when he needed it, that was here for him over the past week...T-that...That had kissed him...Because he made a lame, stupid excuses...And somehow he believed it....A-and the only thing it did...Was make him love the hothead more...But that didn't matter...Because he drove him away...And...And he deserved it...

_Because he was nothing...Nothing, but a used, tainted whore..._

* * *

 

There was nothing they could do now, Leo was deeper into depression than he was before. He refused to talk to anyone, occasionally Mikey, but that was rare. April always closed the door like she was hiding something, which apparently she was, but he never talked to her or Donnie. And...And Raph, he was scared. He couldn't look at him...The broken mess that was his older brother...He couldn't...Because he felt like  _he_ re-broke him...

It had been over a week since Leo woke up for the second time in less than a month. He'd taken less than two bites from a meal, pushing it away, sleeping or flat out ignoring the food. A haunted, ghostly look had taken the place of the confident one that he normally wore only months ago. He barely left the bed, curled up under the blankets like they would shield him from the world, away from the pain, suffering and responsibilities. He didn't look anyone in the eyes, avoiding any to all contact with everyone, and didn't speak. Donatello said that they weren't trying hard enough, but even he seemed to be lost after a few days of the eldest's actions, or lack there of. 

 

But Leo didn't seem to be the only one who was effected by his newest suicide attempt.

* * *

 

This wasn't fair! Seriously! It wasn't like Raphael _meant_  to blow up! Or to say those things! To let his anger take control...For any of this to happen. He didn't want Leo t-to get...Raped...He never wanted _this_  to happen! It's not his fault Fearless was so damned broken! It wasn't his fault any of this happened! They couldn't _blame_  him! Not...Not anymore than he already was. He hated his temper, his anger...His weakness...And it was going to end up killing someone...Like it almost already had...

_ And he still **hated** himself... _

* * *

He didn't know what to do, he didn't train for this! A sexually abused, broken mutant turtle...He...He didn't know how to deal with this. He couldn't find anything to help, not about how to help his brother or help the people in New York. While the genius felt bad for not trying to spend more time with his brother, it didn't feel like it was needed. Mikey wasn't letting a lot of people around the oldest at the time, becoming overly protective of the turtle. He, and everyone, knew the effects those words had had on the leaf colored turtle. They knew enough, but at the same time it _wasn't_  enough... _He_  was still broken, Raph was angrier and avoiding the older, and Mikey was...Mikey, but different. So different, but then again...They all were different now. He seemed to have taken over Raph's protectiveness of the leader, refusing to leave unless he was forced to, trying to get Raphael to speak with him or Leo, but the hothead would just yell at him and leave. And him...Donatello...He couldn't find _anything_  to help Leo...No matter how much he searched and begged to anyone who was listening, just to give him _something_....Anything!...But nothing...

_ He had never felt more...More **useless**... _

* * *

 

This...This wasn't right...He was suppose to be the happy one, the carefree one that annoys his older brothers and makes them laugh...But...No ones laughing now...There's no carefreeness left in this house. It was weird...Everyone was so...Depressed...It wasn't that depression was an emotion Michelangelo was unused to, they all felt it for different reason, his was that he wasn't strong enough. He messed up missions all the time, and Leo got blamed for it. The guilt ate away at him until the leader would comfort him, but Leo couldn't do that now. He'd try if Michelangelo would let him see he was hurting, but he couldn't do that to his older brother. He had to be happy, because no one else would. He needed his big brother back, the fearless one that would protect them no matter what, but the one who could stand up without stumbling, the one that would _eat_...The one he grew up with...His hero...And if acting like he was happy all the time and forcing himself not to cry then he would...Be-because... _They_  didn't seem to be helping at all...

And he'd act _fake_  if it meant getting through this...

* * *

Mikey hummed lightly to himself as he leaned against the soft mattress, staring sadly at his older brother's peaceful sleeping face. It was the only time he looked peaceful, when he was sleeping. At least, most of the time. He had a lot of nightmares.

"I..." He had been trying to get a sentence out for the past half n hour, tears clouding his vision. "I know...Wh-what Raph said...Well it really hurt...B-but he didn't mean it...A-and..." Even now, he was doubting his words. Raphael hadn't come up once since the day Leo woke up, despite the youngest turtle's attempts. "I-I don't...I don't know wh-why he's being so...So...Stupid! But everything h-he said was wrong! I mean it, none of us think that," He sighed to himself, resting his forehead against Leo's, now un-bandaged, arm, darkening reddish-brown scabs covered the healing skin. "R-remember...When w-we w-were younger...An-"

* * *

 

**Flashback**

_ A little 6 year old Michelangelo smiled happily to himself as he landed on his feet perfectly, bouncing giggly out of the large Dojo into the living room where his older brothers were curled around the couch watching TV. _

_ "Guys! Guys! I did 't! I did a back fwip!" He jumped onto the couch, leaning against his oldest brother, who smiled proudly at him. _

_ "Congratulations, Mikey!"  _

_ He giggled lightly, fiddling his fingers.  _

_ "Yay! Now Mike's not tha' weakest one of us...Oh wait...Yea 'e is!" Raph rolled his eyes, crossing his arms with a small glare.  _

_ His happy mood disappeared as he crossed his arms, pouting lightly as tears filled his eyes. "'m not weak!" He pouted, his lip trembling. Raph rolled his eyes as he stuck his tongue out at the pouting turtle.  _

_ "Are too!" _

_ "A-am not..." He muttered, standing up while crossing his arms. "But fine! I'm going to celebrate in (my) room! Alone!" He ran off, tears streaming down his face as he slammed his door shut, burying his face in the pillow. He stayed like this for a few minutes until a soft knocking on his door. He looked up, wiping his tears away as he called out, his oldest brother walked in, a frown his face as he closed Mikey's door and sat down on the end of the bed while holding out his arms. Mikey sniffled lightly as he cuddled into Leo's side, smaller sobs slipping through his lips.  _

_ "Raph didn't mean that, he was...He's just in a bad mood. You're not weak," _

_ "B-But...He's right! I-I am t-the weakest link...I-it took me o-over s-six m-months to learn h-how to d-do that af-after D-donnie...Raphie was right..." _

_ "No he's not." Leo turned, holding his youngest brother at arms length with a small smile. "You're strong, in your own way. Just because it took you longer to do a back slip, doesn't mean you're weak. You've got your strengths," _

_ "Yea, eating pizza!" He choked out. _

_ "No! Well, yea, you're great at eating pizza, but you're amazing at fighting," _

_ "But not as good a-as you," _

_ "I train constantly, according to Raphael, but I do train a lot more than you guys, but that doesn't mean anything. You fight in your own way, none of us fight the same, Mikey. But that's what makes us a great team. And besides, Raph didn't mean it, . You know the sort of stuff he says, but he doesn't think that. I promise." Leo smiled lightly at his little brother when he looked up. "And I'm proud of you for mastering it,"  _

_ "B-but," _

_ "Dude, we're six. None of us are "great" at fighting. And so it look you a little longer, you're the youngest, and I know you hate that," He grinned at him. "But that means you've got some more leeway on things like this. But we're all proud of you, Mikey."  _

**End of Flashback**

* * *

 

"I-I believed w-what Raph had said that day, b-but you told me differently and I believed _you_! S-so...You've gotta trust me now, bro! He didn't mean what he said down there, and I-I know...That what happened was nothing co-compared to this...But...H-he didn't mean it...A-and I don't know w-why he's...He's being so stupid and i-ignoring you...But...Nothing he said was true...I-I just wish you'd believe me, dude..."

"...I-I'm sorry...Mikey..."

He looked up, smiling sadly at the glazed sapphire eyes. 

"I-I just...I wanna b-believe yo-you, Mikey..." His eyes filled with tears at he looked at his younger brother. "But I-I can't...I-I can't s-stop believing _them_."

"Them?!" Michelangelo's eyes went wide. _He didn't mean Raph and Don...Right?! No, they wouldn't do that! But..._

"T-the voices..."

_'Oh thank god'_ Mikey left out a smaller sigh, leaning against the bed. "W-wh...What do they say?" He needed to keep him talking, this was the most Leo had spoken since the day he woke up.

"..." Leo looked down, shifting over so he was on his side facing Mikey. "J-Just...C-constantly calling me names...A-and...It's like 24/7 a-and...I can't make them shut up...U-unless I-I cut...A-and then they're quiet for..A small amount of time, but it feels worth it...B-but I hate hurting you guys..."

"Then why do you do it? Y-you know it hurts us,"

"I-I didn't want you guys t-to find out," 

"What would happen if y-you..." Mikey bit his lip. "I-If you c-cut too deep, o-or something l-like this happened," He motioned to the door. "A-and...W-we didn't know a-and we couldn't save you!" 

"I'm sorry! I-It...It wasn't this bad before...I...Everything as easier..." Leo inhaled deeply, his shoulders sagging as he looked back up at his brother. Mikey wasn't expecting to say anything else, this was a start, and a large one, but apparently his brother wasn't done. "T-this whole.. _Thing_ just brought everything back..."

' _W-wait...What? Brought what back? The depression? I'm confused'_

"Brought back? Brought back what?" He watched Leo freeze, mentally cursing himself for revealing something without thinking. 

"No-nothing! Nothing...Um..."

"Is this...Is this what you told April about?" Leonardo looked up, his eyes widening in panic. "S-she didn't tell us anything! I kinda...Confronted her about it 'cause it seemed like she was hiding something...She didn't tell us a-anything...But..." Tears filled his eyes as he clenched one of his fists. "Why d-did you trust _her_! Out of all of us, _her_! W-why don't yo-you ever trust us a-anymore! Y-you never talk t-to us!" 

"I can't! I can't re-live this! Or deal with the memories! I-it's fine...When I'm talking about it, but...I-it just gets worse hours later...When I'm alone and there's nothing, but _them_...Constantly! I-I can't...I j-just can't...It hurts...And _they've_  just gotten louder si-since...Since what happened wi-with R-Raph..." 

"He didn't mean it!"

"But everything he said was true!"

"Everything?"

"I-I...I was there the whole time..." Leo looked away, fiddling with his thumbs nervously.

"It's not true..." Mikey whispered, glaring at the blanket. "It's not! Y-You're not a-any of those th-things he c-called you! You're a hero! M-my hero...And no one can make me think different! You were my hero back then and you're my hero right now! You're braver than all of us, yo! Yer not listening to me, yo!" He wrapped his arms around his older brother, burying his head in his neck while crying. 

"I-I...Can't believe t-that though...I ca-can't...I couldn't deal with y-you guys thinking o-of me the way I th-think of myself..."

"We all know you have self confidence issues. But that ain't gonna stop us from trying to help you, bro!"

Leo picked absentmindedly at his wrists gently, not hard enough to break the skin or rip the scabs off as he bit his lip. 

"W-why...Why are you trying so hard, Mikey? R-Raph's already given up, Don's close...W-why are you still trying, why don't you just...Go on with y-your life? Just forget about me, you guys did that enough...J-just...Let me...Forget about this, okay?"

"No! Not okay," Mikey pulled back, his lip trembling as he stared at Leo. "Y-you can't just h-hold everything in, you'll explode! You've gotta let us in, before this," He gestured harshly to Leo's wrists. "Kills you...I can't lose my big brother, dude..."

"You've got Don and R-Raph..."

"But neither of them are you, yo!" He grinned at Leo, who sighed. "Suure, they're awesome sometimes, but either of 'em are my big bro," He punched his shoulder gently. "You're the one who comforts me after nightmares, or makes sure that I don't stay up all night playin' video games, or helps me when I can't do a kata right..." He looked down, biting down on his lip. "Or does anything to protect me..." He smiled slightly at his brother. "Even when you didn't have to...And that's why I think you're a hero, because no matter how many humans hate us, or when things go wrong, you never give up...And you always make it in time..."

"I-I don't alwa-"

"Yes you do! Sure, sometimes we get hurt," 

"Exact-"

"But! None of us die, we're okay in the end."

"I...They'd both do that..."

"Sure, maybe. But no one questions whether you would or not, 'cause you always do."

"And it's stupid! W-why can't you just give up?" Leo asked weakly, leaning against his knee. 

"B-because..." Mikey bit down on the inside of his cheek, looking around the room as he tried to think of something to say when a small, VHS movie case caught his eye and he smiled. "Ohana means family...A-and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten...And I ain't gonna leave you when you need help." 

Leo opened his mouth and closed it a few times, the edges of his lips twitching upward as he chuckled lightly while staring at his little brother. "D-did...Did you really...Just quote Lilo and Stitch?"

"Whaaaa?! No," Mikey crossed his arms, glaring playfully at his brother. "That came straight from my heart, and I'm highly insulted you'd _accuse_  me of that," 

Leo laughed, smiling amusedly at his little brother. "Y-you dork."

"You! Y-you don't believe me!" Mikey covered his heart. "I'm hurt! H-hurt!" He dropped his "act" as he smiled, giggling happily as his brother laughed, or smiled, for the first time in almost a week. 

"T-thanks, Mikey," Leo smiled up at him, holding out his arms shyly. Michelangelo's smile grew as he cuddled against his, wrapping his arms around his big brother, a high pitched squeal escaped him while he nuzzled into his plastron, small tears dripping out of his eyes. 

"Hphm..."

Leo kept his arms wrapped around his younger brother, staring blankly at the wall as he thought. 

"Leo?"

"Hm?"

"You know...Whatever you told April, you can tell me...It's not gonna change how I see you..."

"I..." Leo licked his lips nervously. "I'll talk to you...One day...A-about everything..."

"Does that mean tomorrow? Or five years from now?" Mikey frowned sadly.

This wasn't...It wasn't a promise he was going to be able to go back on...But...He couldn't hurt Mikey anymore...He couldn't do _this_  anymore...

"N-next week...I'll...I'll you everything..."

"Even what you told A-April?" Mikey could feel the other tense against him, his breathing freezing for almost 30 seconds. Leonardo squeezed his eyes together as memories flashed behind his eyelids.

* * *

 

**Flashbacks**   


His cheeks were wet as tears dripped onto the floor as he stared blankly at the chipped wall. His fists bloodied and bruised, the knuckles split. The skin and blood damping onto the broken wall he'd just assaulted in his panic. The pain in his mind and body was creating a sickening twisting in his stomach, the fading bruises on his hips and thighs only staying as a sick reminder of how tainted and weak he was, the ghost like shivers traced the skin _his_  hands violated only days ago. 

And no amount of showering seemed to be enough to create a dent in the dirt that covered his mind, the loud voices screaming, pounding against his temples at all hours, his vision blurred as a dizzy spell hit him, his stomach growling and tightening painfully from the lack of food. 

A rough voice growling into his ear, mumbling dishonorable insults at him as he curled into himself, whispering a softer whisper above the voices, trying to block them out. 

"Sore wa sore wa anata no seide wa nakatta... Daijōbudesu..."( _It's okay...It wasn't your fault..._ ) He whispered numbly, tears sliding down his beak as he laid on his side.

_**"Yer so...Tight, like yer made fer 'his,"** _

_ '-"You did go up to the surface...So...Technically, it was your fault."-' _

_ '-"How could ya be so stupid! Ha...I guess yer no longer tha' perfect "son","-' _

_ '-"You...You did go up there though..So...What else would you have been looking for?"-' _

"DAMARE!" ( _Shut up_ ) He clutched his forehead, sobbing into his forearm. 

**_"Now. now, now ya little slut! Yer gonna do what I want, 'cause ya was askin' for it,"_ **

His body flinched, his eyes flickering around the room until they landed on the small, white cloth that was sitting on his nightstand that was housing the razor blades he stole from Donnie yesterday. 

He didn't know _why_  he did it at the time, he saw it on a TV show Sensei was watching...It was super late, and he wasn't suppose to be up, but he saw it...A few weeks ago, the girl was crying, dragging one of the blades across her arm. He didn't understand why she would do that! Like...That would hurt!

But now...

It didn't seem like anything could hurt _more_  than this...

It didn't seem so bad...So he reached for the smaller cloth, grasping the blades underneath as he sat up, pulling them next to his little legs. He lifted one, twirling the small, cold metal between his finger tips, licking his lips nervously. 

It was shiny, like a new friend that you never wanted to let go of. 

**'Maybe _this_  will be your new friend *winks*'**

This was dishonorable...It was...B-but...He was _already_  dishonorable...By going up to the surface...By not being strong enough...By...By being a little whore...

He dug his teeth into his lip as he pressed into his skin with the blade, rotating his arm slightly before dragging the blade across quickly. His eye ridges scrunched together in confusion for a second before the blood bubbled up, the skin split behind the blade as it passed over. 

**"Ugh, yer so tight! Ya were asking for this, ya know! Com-comin' up here, ugh damn,"**

No! Stop it! This is dishonorable! S-sensei...He'd be...So, so disappointment...But...He would be anyway...He was weak, a stupid, little weak whore...Who went up to the surface...He was stupid enough to fall for _that_...Because...He was stupid...A stupid little boy...He just....Just wanted a friend...Someone that he didn't share with his brothers...Someone that was _his_... _His_  friend...And just his...But..

...People didn't like him...

No...

No one...Liked him...

And now...He was dirty...And tainted...

And now even...Even his _brothers_  wouldn't like him...

Not that they really did...But...Now...

He was so...So stupid...

So what was one more...Teeny-tiny thing...

His vision was blurred by tears as he repressed the blade against his arm, digging it into the skin and across. Watching the skin split open before he repeated the action...Over...And over...And over...Until his arm was covered in a thick, sticky red substance that dripped off the sides of his arms. 

Everything turned numb, a blurry, numb world...And he felt better...For a few, short minutes.

**End of Flashback**

* * *

 

He swallowed, looked at the wall as he tired to hold back the tears.

* * *

**Flashback (Scene from "Of Broken Nightmares")**   


 

His face was stained with tears, blood, dirt and small rocks that were lodged into the cuts on his skin. Keith groaned behind him, it sounded quiet as it was silenced by his screams. His little body tried to jerk away from the person causing him pain, small cries slipping through his lips. 

Keith groaned as the walls tightened around him, protesting against the larger object forcing it's way inside. He trusted harshly, slowly it was becoming easier to slip in. The blood was acting as a lubricant, covering his cock in the sickly red substance. The small cries only arousing him more as he bucked his hips against the child. 

_ 'This was wrong...' _

**'Butcha deserve it! Ya came ta the surface, ya knew you were suppose ta come up here!'**

Leo sniffled, biting down on his lip, thick copper liquid filing his mouth.

"Yer so...Tight, like yer made fer 'his," He tried to block out the words but he couldn't. He couldn't focus on anything else. "Probably are, ya li'l whore," His head was pulled back by his mask that was drenched in blood, Keith sneered down at him. "Ya wanted 'his," He weakly shook his head, all of his energy was drained. "Yea, ya did...Ya," Keith groaned again, rubbing his hands across Leo's hips. "Damn, yer so perfect for 'tis, ya li'l slut," 

His body jerked as the human's trusts sped up, tears streamed down his face. He listened silently to the man's mumbles, hard sobs racking his body. His body shuddered disgustedly as the man came inside him, the hot liquid pouring into him. He forced down a gag  as his body fell limply to the floor, Keith got up, buttoning his pants up with a smirk. 

"See, I toldcha yer was made for it, li'l whore," Leo choked on his tears as a steel toed boot rammed into his plastron, knocking the wind out of him. His body fell against the floor again, too weak to move. "And besides, ya can't tell anyone, Ya asked for it...It wasn't rape cause ya wanted it," He smirked proudly 

"N-no...I said no though..." Leo whispered weakly.

"No don't mean no if ya wan'ed it, slut,"

**End of Flashback**

* * *

_'No don't mean no if ya wan'ed it, slut,' That quote, so simple, but it felt so true...._

"...Yea..." He choked out, swallowing the tears as he nodded. "Okay...I'll tell you everyhting...I-Including w-what I....I told April...Everything, b-but you can't tell anything...Not our brothers, or Casey...I guess...April's okay, 'cause she...Well she already knows..."

Mikey smiled at him, tightening his grip. "I promise I won't tell anyone."

"No matter how bad it is, okay? No one. Ever!"

_ He felt bad...Worried...Like what Leo was going to tell them...Was going to be bad...Really...Really...Bad _

* * *

**One Week Later**

The next week was stressful for the youngest brother, he was anxious to find out what April already knew, but he was scared. This was serious, something the others didn't know, and he was going to have to keep it from them. But he wasn't going to go back on this. He wanted to know, he wanted to help his big brother, like Leo always has for him.

He still spent a lot of time with Leo, trying to get him to eat normally. The latter had already lost almost 20 pounds since he woke up three weeks ago, he was practically refusing to eat now. But...The day was here, after so much anxiety and worrying...It was here. Of course, it confused Donnie when Mike asked him to make sure no one bothered them, but the smarter brother decided not to ask and simply nodded, agreeing with the youngest without question. Maybe Mikey had found a way to help there brother that he hadn't...

* * *

 

"Leo?"

"Hmm?

"Can I come in?" Mikey smiled lightly as he leaned against the wall, not opening the door yet. 

"Mm, yea...Yea!" 

The room was dark, the curtains were drawn in, giving the room a grim atmosphere. 

"Hey, Mikey..." Leo was curled up in the middle of the bed, his arms wrapped around his knees as he looked up, his sapphire eyes were glazed and blank. 

"Bro, y-you don't have t-to talk about i-it ri-" Leo shook his head.

"N-no...It's...If _you_  don't wanna talk about it, it's okay, Mike..." 

**'What made you think he'd wanna listen to you whine!? You stupid little whore! No one car-'**

"No, I...I wanna know, I just don't want to push you." Mikey said with a small smile as he closed the door, climbing onto the bed next to Leo, who nodded.

**'W-wait...W-what...'**

"M'Kay..." Leo pulled his knees up to his plastron, resting his chin against them. "W-where...Where do want me t-to start?" He asked nervously, looking over at Mikey.

"H-how about..With what y-you told April?"

Leo nodded, a higher pitched whine escaping in his throat, causing Mikey to looked at him worriedly. 

"D-do you remember...Like...Five years ago, when we weren't allowed t-to go into the sewers...B-but...You wanted to go explore and stuff, and we all split up..." Mikey nodded, hugging his knees. 

"T-the time...You disappeared?"

Leo's eye ridges scrunched together as he looked up. 

"You were gone for over five hours after we were suppose to meet up."

"W-wow...I...I didn't think I-it was...Was that long...But um...I found a tunnel...Leading t-to the surface...And I-I didn't see an-any problem w-with going up...I-I thought...M-maybe i-if I went up...Y-you guys wouldn't t-think I was l-lame anymore..." He looked down at the blanket, blinking away the tears was began to form. "It...It was really pretty, a-and...Different...I-I didn't mean to stay up there that long...It was only suppose to be for a f-few minutes...But...I-I stayed t-to long a-and got distracted...A-and a hu-human saw me..." 

Mikey tensed next to him.

"I-I should h-have ran...O-or tired t-to get away...But...I-I didn't..."

_**"I ain't a stranger ta ya, cutie, we're friends now."** _

He twitched his beak. "I-I mean...I did...Y-ya know, start running away...But h-he said...He said w-we were friends...A-and I-I...I just wanted a friend...I...I wanted s-someone...That was _my_  friend...I-I just wa....Wanted _one_ friend...J-just one...A-and I was stupid," He snapped at himself, clenching his fists. "So...'ucking stupid..." He muttered blankly, staring down at the blanket. "It was okay, at first, b-but...It kept getting...W-weirder...But I didn't realize it...U-until I guess i-it was too late...I-I told him things...I don't know why...I-I just...It was nice...Ya know...T-To trust someone....A-and I-I told him ab-about a-all of us...A-and...these...F-feelings..." He motioned to his chest, tears filling his eyes. "I-I just wanted t-to trust s-someone...W-without worrying a-and...I-I trusted the wrong person...A-and...He started...T-touching me...A-and, I-I didn't...I didn't know what t-to do...He was s-so much bigger than m-me...A-and...Oh god I w-was so s-scared...And...I tried t-to get away...B-but he...He broke my nose...W-when I tired t-to get up...A-and I couldn't m-move...I-I was trapped o-on the fucking ground...A-and I was s-so....So weak..." His voice was higher and louder than before, tears spilling down his cheeks as he struggled to breath. "I was too weak...I-I could even p-protect myself...H-How an I suppose to protect y-you guys? I couldn't even...A-and he kept...T-touching me, a-and I couldn't stop him..."

"H-he kept saying...T-that I wanted it...A-and..." He rocked his body back and forth. "H-He kept asking...I-if...If I-I wan'ed R-Raph t-to touch me l-like that..." He choked, rubbing his palms against his thighs. "A-and he kept doing it, a-and no matter how m-much I t-told him t-to stop, he wouldn't...H-he said I wanted it...A-and that I-I...I-I didn't...I-I wanted you guys....I _needed_ you guys t-to come save me, a-and no one did! I-I was alone...An-and it was my fault...And I can't...I can't close my eyes w-without seeing him...I-It's worse t-than what happened with S-Sh...Shredder...I-I....I know w-what happened w-with Sh-shredder wasn't my fault...I know that...B-but...What K-Kei-Keith did....That was my fault...I-I choose t-to go up to the s-surface...A-and I paid for it...I sh-should have listened t-to M-Master Splinter...I-I....I've blocked it out...F-for the past 6 years...B-But...W-with all this...This happening I-I just...Everything came back...I-I can't sleep, or close my eyes...I just feel him...All the fucking time! I can feel him against me, _inside_  me! And I can't. Make. It. Stop! I've tried a-and...I tired when I was younger, I c-couldn't....I couldn't make it stop hurting...Inside or outside...A-and I turned t-to harming myself..I-I stole s-some of the...The razors t-that Donnie had salvaged...A-and...I couldn't stop...I just...I wanted the p-pain to stop, for a little while...T-too not feel the pain and the thoughts a-and the voices...I just got so addicted t-to the pain afterwards...Every time w-we failed a mission... _I_  failed a mission...Or I disappointed S-sensei...It helped...It was like my punishment...For all the times I fail...Each and every time...Which is every day...F-for me... " 

Leo stopped talking after that, leaning against the youngest turtle, crying quietly while scratching at his thighs. Mikey was staring at the floor, his fists clenched at his sides.

"I-I...I just wa-wanted a-a friend..."

Mikey shook his head, slamming his fist against the night table. 

"This wasn't y-your fault!"

"Ye-" 

"No...No! T-this isn't... _That_  wasn't your fault!"

"I choose t-to go to the surface..."

"Because you were young! A-and...We all were, all of us woulda gone up there, bro! You were just brave enough to acutally do it. You didn't know that _man_  was...Was going to b-be there...That was his choice, not yours. You said no."

"H-he...He said..." Leo trailed off, leaning against Mikey's plastron.

"What'd he said?" Mikey asked nervously, wrapping his arm around his older brother's shoulders.

"H-he said...Th-that..."N-no do-doesn't mean n-no i-if you wan'ed it"..." He whispered, tears blurring his vision as he stared at the creamy green legs. 

"You didn't want it. That's the point, you didn't want him, you didn't want him touching you or any of that, bro!"

"But...I..."

"Just 'cause ya've got a crush on Raphie doesn't mean ya wanted _that_ , yo!"

"I told him that though! I-I...I was practically asking for it...I really was..."

"No! You were trying to..."

"I-I just...I just wanted a friend...One person...J-just one...Th-that was _m-my_ friend...But...No one likes me...I-I _always_  do something wrong!..." He choked up, sniffling as he pulled the threads out of the blanket. 

"No, no...Leo, everyone here loves you," 

"Ha! I-I'm t-the biggest burden here, n-no one wants t-to deal with me anymore...No one...I-I don't...I don't even know w-why you're s-still here...I-I...This i-is why...I...I didn't tell you that...T-the first t-time t-this happened...I didn't want to be...Y-You guys t-to hated me...B-back then....I-I mean...Tha-that hasn't re-really changed...B-but....Back then....I didn't know wh-why...You guys...Disliked m-me so much...A-and I know y-you guys didn't m-mean to...F-for it to happen...J-just...As we kept getting older...A-and there was those t-times...I-I almost said something...B-but...Someone w-would say something o-or I'd screw up a-and...I just couldn't...And we kept getting older...Everything changed...R-Raph started hating me, questioning e-everything I-I did....I wasn't s-smart enough t-to help Do-Donnie...When w-we were younger...He'd ask...Ya know...Even f-for the litt-little things...B-but...As we got older...I just...I wasn't smart enough...A-anymore...A-and Raph didn't need me, he....He never needs any one...But I cou-couldn't do anything w-without pissing him off..."

"But I still need you! You're the best big brother I've got! You always make sure I'm okay after a fight, or that I don't get depressed after Raphie goes to far,"

"They'd all do that.."

"Not as good as you, bro! No one'll ever be able ta comfort me like you do, it's like....Like your superpower!"

Leo blushed lightly as he smiled at his little brother.

"And you remember that time that croc attacked us in the sewers?"

"Yea?"

"Well, after that. 'Cause ya stood up and fought it, I felt so lucky. I wanted to tell everyone that _"My big brother was a superhero, and he was super brave and he'd never let anything happen to me."_...I told Sensei so much I think it got on his nerves...I never understood...Why he was so hard on you, I thought you were "Superhero"...My big brother _was_  a Superhero..." Mikey smiled before looking up at him. "But then I realized...That my big brother wasn't a superhero...Just...Sometimes, he's the stupidest person I've ever met," He felt Leo tense, but he continued. "But, he's only like that when he thinks it's the right thing. Like saving us all the time...But I realized...That he was just being an over protective brother...The best older brother I've ever seen...And he's still _my_  Superhero, because he's always there when I need him."

"I-I..."

"I mean it,"

Leo's lip trembled as he wrapped his arms around Mikey's shell, burying his head in Mikey's neck as he began sobbing. "O-oh my god...I-I...Oh god..."

"Shhh, it's okay...I just...I don't blame you for w-what Keith," Leo stiffened. "Did, that wasn't your fault. None of this is your fault, dude. And it only makes you a better hero in my eyes."

Leo sniffled before smiling lightly. 

"Go ta sleep, Leo...We'll talk more later," 

"Hmmm, okay," 

Mikey smiled, tugging his older brother closer as he stared sadly at the door. He waited until he could hear Leo's breathing even before letting the tears fall. "'M gonna take care of ya, Leo...Like you always have for me," He choked out, moving his mask down to his mouth and biting down as he held in the sobs. _'I promise'_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit! This is by far the longest chapter I've ever written!! 28 pages and almost 10,000 words!! <3 WHOOHOO!!  
> I'm sorry there's no Reo moments in this, but I didn't want to end the chapter with Leo and Raph making up like normal XD So :) Hopefully Raphael will get his head outta his ass and seriously apologize and hope Leo forgives him.


	9. ...Family Sticks Together...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Panic attacks, fighting and....Grinding? No....Horny wannabe humping ;) Just not in this order ^_^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short-ish chapter, but I'll hopefully be updating soon. School started last week *cries* so I don't have as much time to write, but it's coming first. My writing is my world and I'll put my homework on the back burner for it.

It had been a little over two hours since the conversation in the bed room between the oldest and youngest turtles, the leader was still sleeping upstairs while Mikey was sitting downstairs, clutching a cup of steaming chocolate between his three fingers. 

_ 'This ain't right!' _

Pulling his knees up against his plastron and burying his head between them, rubbing his thumb across the cup. He heard the door slam open, the loud footsteps halting in the doorway of the kitchen. 

"Yo, Mike. What's up with-chu?"

"Oh," Mikey looked up with a glare towards his brother. "So now you care about us?!" 

Raphael rolled his eyes. " 've always cared, Mike,"

"That's why ya've been ignoring us the past week n and half!"

"Don't spin 'tis on me, Mike! None of 'tis is my fault!"

"Expect for Leo's suicide attempt!" Mikey's eyes went wide as he slapped a hand over his mouth like it would take the words back, but it couldn't. Raph's glared disappeared as his eyes went slightly wide before closing halfway, his face scrunching together sadly as his shoulders sagged. 

"Yea...I know..." He muttered, taking a step back before rolling his eyes, crossing his arms as he tried to cover up the hurt look in his eyes. "Whatever," He growled out, walking upstairs and into one of the rooms Leo wasn't in and slamming the door. 

Mikey's eyes filled with tears as he laid down against the throw pillows, sobbing helplessly into one of them.

* * *

 

**Upstairs-Ten minutes later**

Raph shifted on the bed as the door opened, soft footsteps approaching the bed. 

"Go 'way, Mike," His voice cracking as he ignored the person.

"It's...."

Raph looked up, his stomach twisting at the sight of his older brother, who was staring at his feet. 

"I-I heard so-something...A-and...I-I just wanted t-to make s-sure..."

"That everything's alright?"

"Y-yea...I-I'm sorry...I-I didn't m-mean to i-interrupt you..." Leo whispered, his voice cracking as he stood, his knees shaking. 

Raph gently grabbed his arm, rubbing his thumb across Leo's wrist as he pulled him onto the bed, smiling lightly at him. 

"Yer not tha one who needs ta be 'pologizin', Fearless," He said sadly. "I've been a dick tha past week," 

"It-s okay,"

"No! N-no it's not...Ya've done nuthin' ta deserve it,"

"I-I've done e-everythi-"

"Leo," Raph got onto his knee in front of the boy on, towering over him as he grasped his cheeks gently between his fingers. "Ya've done nuthin' ta deserve tha way I've been treatin' ya,"

Leo opened his mouth to say something before sighing, looking off to the side and freezing.

"R-Raph?"

"Hm?"

"Wh-what...What happened to your arm?" 

Raph retracted his arms quickly, crossing them over his plastron. "N-nuthin'"

"Raph?"

"It's nuthin'! Okay? I was just messin' 'round outside and got nicked on somethin'"

"Raph!?"

Raph glared heatedly at him. "It's nuthin'!" He snapped. "Just leave me alone! Go back ta wallowing in your stupid depression and shit!" 

Leo's worried look dropped as his shoulders sagged, his eye ridges scrunching downward and tears misted over his eyes. 

"Sorry...." He whispered, his stomach twisting in anxiety at the idea of getting up...He didn't _want_  to get up...He'd be watching him then...A-and...He couldn't walk without stumbling...He was weak...Useless...

_'Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!'_   


Raph opened his month, quickly grabbing Leo's arms to keep him from leaving. "I'm sorry! I-I..." He looked away, wrapping his arms around the small, thin body. 

"I-I ju-just w-wanted t-t-to he-help," Leo stuttered out, burying his face in the buffer neck, trying, and failing, to hold in sobs. 

"I know, I'm sorry. I-I'm just...I-I've got a lotta emotions right now, a-and...E-everythin's just...I'm not...Mad at-chu, baby boy. I-I'm just...I am...Avoiding you, partly," Leo tensed, a small whimper slipping through his lips. "But not 'cause I'm mad, I-I'm worried I'll snap at-chu...A-and do more damage...A-and....I-I..."

"R-Raphie...What really happened t-to your arm?" 

"I wasn' thinkin'...A-and was in the middle of tha night...I-I felt terrible...A-after I realized wh-what I'd done...I-It was...Was already done a-and...I was tryin' ta avoid you 'cause I knew ya'd notice..."

"..." Leo wrapped his arms around his neck, squeezing their bodies together. "Y-You won't d-do that aga-again r-right?"

"..."

"Promise? Please, Raph..." He squeaked out, his body tense as he waited for his young brother to answer.

"P-Promise...But on-only if you promise too," Raph pulled back, holding the small boy at arms length, looking him up and down, frowning. "A-and...And try to eat more..." Leo looked away, rubbing his stomach covered plastron nervously. "Please, yer gettin' to skinny, Fearless,"

_**'Lie...Just lie...Promise ya'll eat..'** _

"I-I..." He felt his head shake "no". "I ca-can't eat...I-I just...I-I've tried...But I-I just feel sick..."

"Oh, baby..." Raph pulled him back, wrapping an arm around his waist and the other looping up against his back, rubbing the back of his neck gently and kissing his forehead. "I-it's okay,"

"I-I ca-can try...B-but...I-I...."

"It's okay, it'll take time, we'll work on that, okay?" Leo nodded. 

"M'kay, I promise...."

"I promise too...A-and I'm so...So sorry..." He rested his head against Leo's shoulder, feeling the boy go lightly limp against him as he fell asleep, tears dripping down his face as he tugged the body closer. "I love you so much...A-and I'm so....So fuckin' sorry, Fearless..."

* * *

 

**Three hours later**

Leonardo yawned as his eyes opened into slits, looking around the dark room, a hard warmth was curled around him, a hand tickled against his lower waist as the long, three fingers brushed against the skin. He smiled lightly as his eyes closed against, nuzzling into the warmer neck and inhaling. If he was wake, and could think straight, he would have realized the body he was cuddled against was his younger brother, but he was too tired...And too relaxed to notice as he drifted off again. 

Raph smiled down at him, kissing the top of his head gently as he watched the other boy fall asleep again. He knew he needed to talk to Mikey, but....He couldn't wake him up...This moment was to....To perfect right now...And he would give anything for it to last forever...

* * *

 

**Two and a half hours later**

Loud shouting is what woke the sleeping boys up, Leo looked up confusedly at Raph, who smiled lightly at him.

"Wh-...Wha-ts goin' on?" He whispered tiredly,shifting between Raph's thighs. He ignored the sharp inhale and tensing his brother gave when he did that. 

Raph bit down on his lip, trying to ignore the heating pool in his lower plastron as the smaller boy, absentmindedly, rubbed against him. 

"Ummm..." He avoided the boy's eyes as the shouting started again.

"HOW'D YOU LOSE HIM!"

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I WASN'T SUPPOSE T-TO BE WATCHING HIM!"

"GUYS! He's not in here!"

Raphael chuckled lightly, looking back down at Leo. "I think they're lookin' fer ya, baby," Leo blushed at the nickname, smiling lightly as he looked down. A dark green hand caressed his cheek gently causing him to look up. "S-should....Should w-we get up a-and tell them?"

Leo frowned, his face flushing. "I....I don't wanna get up....I..." He smiled lightly as he leaned into the hand, nuzzling his beak against it. "I r-really missed you..."

"God, I've missed you too," The thick, buff biceps wrapped around his arms and shell, pulling him against the hothead's body. 

Leo inhaled, flushing his body against the other as he wrapped his arms around Raph's neck, kneeling above him so he was leaning down and burying his face into his neck. He held back a small moan as the scent slammed into him. Hands trailed over his sensitive sides, rubbing the skin gently in sync with his breathing as Raph planted smaller pecks against his collarbone, sighing softly. 

"W-we....We should t-tell th....Them I-I'm okay..." 

"Hphm..."

Leo sighed sleepily, his eyelids becoming heavy. 

"Raph! RAPH! LEO'S GONE!" 

Raphael growled possessively as his grip tightened on Leo's waist, glaring at the door. But his anger disappeared at the small moan that he heard, the body against his pushed closer. 

"I don't wanna mo'e," Leo muttered softly, licking his lips before biting down on his bottom lip. 

"Me eitha, b-but they ain't gonna give up," 

"Mmmmm, p'ease don't make me move, Raph...."

"Shhhh," Raph trailed his hand up and held onto the back on his neck, pulling Leo closer to his shoulder and kissed his cheek gently. "I know, Mikey!" He said loudly, hearing the footsteps outside stop and come back to the door. 

"Why didn't you tell us!" Donnie's voice rang through the door and he could hear the glare in the genius's voice. The door opened as the four came in, Donnie glaring angrily at him.

Leo groaned at the light, sinking down so he was sitting before burying his face back into Raph's neck, nibbling the skin lightly as he mumbled about "annoying lights and waking up".

"LEO!" Mikey scrambled forward, leaning over the end of the bed as worry clouded his eyes. 

"Shhhhh! 'M tryin' t-to sleep...." Leo giggled lightly, inhaling again as he  shifted so he was sitting on one of Raph's thigh and cuddling closer. Raph smiled as he continued rubbing his sides, the small moaned mumbles filling the room as the four froze. "Go -way!" Leo snapped, glaring at the wall behind Raph before relaxing again. 

"Leo, you shouldn't be out of bed."

"I'm in bed!" Leo sighed, nuzzling into the neck one last time before turning around, sitting in between Raph's legs and crossed his arms, pouting lightly as he glared at his little brothers and their human friends. 

"Your bed, come on. You need rest,"  

"I am restin'," Argued Leo weakly, pushing his shell against Raph's plastron as he tried to back up. 

"Leo, come on." Donnie held out his hand after April said that, glancing nervously at Raph. 

"No! I wanna stay with Raph," He grabbed Raph's hand, staring sadly at it as he played with the fingers nervously. 

"I don't think that's a good idea," Raphael looked up at his direct younger brother, glaring at him in confusion. 

"W-why?!" Leo protested, scrunching his eye ridges up. 

"Because you're sensitive right now, and he's not....I don't think it's the best idea for you to be around him right now." 

"So what? That's your "diagnosis"? That I'm not allowed to be around one of my b-brothers..." Leo snapped, his bottom lip trembled as he said the word "brother", his voice cracked. 

Donatello sighed, his shoulders sagging. "Leo, you need to be sleeping."

"I was sleeping!"

"No you weren't! You were practically humping him! Are you that desperate!?" Donatello winced inwardly, willing himself to shut up, but he's sick of it. Sick of this! Of no one listening to him, why couldn't Leo just get up and go to bed in the other room! 

Everyone seemed to freeze at his words, Leo's body tensed as his fists clenched. 

"W....." Tears streamed down the eldest turtle's face as he looked up, shoving himself away from Raph and getting up, standing on the side of the bed so he was facing them all with a glare. "Would you all quit fucking a-acting like I'm gonna break!" 

"Le-"

"Shut up, April!"

"Don't tell at her!"

"Don't you dare fucking tell me what t-to do, Donatello!" Leo looked at him, his eyes narrowed at them as he pointed his finger at him. 

"We're tryin' to help you, dude!" 

"Yea, ya think I don't know that! You think I wanna be like _this_!" He gestured to himself. "I'm trying so fucking hard! All the damned time since I was ten," April and Mikey tensed lightly, sharply inhaling as the other three noticed the reaction from them. "It ain't that fucking easy ya know! Living with this," He smacked the sides of his head with the palms of his hands harshly. "But there's nothing I can do that I'm _allowed_  to do!"

"You've got plenty of stuff that can help you, you've just gotta try!"

"Nothing that works! I KNOW what works, I know what makes the voices shut up! I know what makes it so I can sleep! But you guys won't let me!"

"Won't le-" April was cut off in her confused sentence. 

"Yer not harmin' yerself ta deal with this, Fearless."

"T-then what do you expect me t-to do! I don't know how to d-deal with this any other way!" 

"Let us in, bro..." Mikey put his hands up in a calming manner, stepping towards his addled brother slowly, watching as the other boy never took his eyes off him until Mikey was standing in front of him. Something flickered in Leo's eyes as he realized the meaning behind his baby brother's words and shook his head. 

"I can't, Mikey..."

"Yes you can, bro!" Leo shook his head, rubbing his temples. 

"I can't...M-Mikey I can't t-tell that again..." He whispered tiredly, leaning his shell against the wall and sliding down, pulling his knees up to his chest before leaning to the side, lying on the ground with his arms around his knees, staring at the bottom of the bed. "I just wanna sleep...P-please...Just let me sleep..." 

No one in the room spoke as the distressed turtle fell into an uneasy sleep, curling up on the floor. 

Raphael picked him up, despite the protest coming from Donnie and April, and carried him to the bed. He laid him down gently, brushing the tears away from his cheeks as he tucked him in. Kissing his forehead softly before backing up and walking out of the room. A swift motion of Raph's hand and the others followed him out of the room wordlessly, closing the room quietly. 

"Ya care ta explain that, Don?" Raph hissed at his younger brother, rounding on him after they were on the other side of the hall. 

The purple masked turtle clenched his fists with a glare."

"What did you expect me to do, Raph!?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe **support him**!" 

"I have been supporting him! While you were off doing who knows what!"

Raph tensed, looking down with hard eyes. 

"Yea, 'cause yer so supportive! " _You were practically humping him, are you that desperate_ "" Raph mocked him, speaking in a high pitched, insulting whine as he "imitated" what his brother had said. 

"He was! He was suppose to be resting!"

"How's he suppose ta do that when we keep losin' our damned tempers and makin' 'im feel worse!" 

"Why would you even let him to something like that!?"

"I don't know! I was tryin' ta keep him calm, something that _you_  completely ruined!"

"I ruined?! If I hadn't interrupted you "humping" fest, who knows how far you'd let him go, 'cause apparently it's pretty damned far for him!" 

"SHUT UP!" 

The two arguing turtles looked over at the bedroom doorway where Leo was standing, tears streaming down his cheeks, but a hard glare on his face as he looked at them.

* * *

 

_Was it a crime to just want to sleep?_

He could feel his bones shaking as he stared at his younger brothers and their human friends. Donnie, Casey and April on one side, Raph on the other with Mikey n the middle, glancing nervously and sadly at his previously arguing siblings. 

_ His family was falling apart...And it was because of him....But...But family was suppose to stick together...They were all they...They had...They were alone in this world and if they turned against each other....There'd be nothing left... _

He breathed deeply, trying to figure out what to say.

"I-I...I understand this...Situation is stressful on you guys....But I'm not _forcing_  you to stay! If you don't want to deal with this, then leave. Go back to New York, let me fucking die!" He snapped, clenching his fists as his glare deepened, his brothers and friends flinched at the look. "Don't keep "saving" me and then acting like this! I'm trying to deal with this, but I can't when every time _I_ screw up, you turn against each other or lose your tempers and start callin' everyone names! It's ridiculous. We're not enemies!"

"But,"

"Don," Leo put his hand up. "I know you're upset about the way Raph's been acting, but you can't turn all this on your family...It's not fair. None of this is fair, but we've still got each other....And that's all we have."

"I..." He bit down on his lip, looking down. "And I know...That some of th-the feelings...Aren't family like..." His face flushed as he said it. "But we're still family...A-and...This is what Shredder would want....For us to break, and we can't let him win!" He looked up, his flush deepening when he met Raph's eyes. He opened his mouth to continue, but nothing came out as he stared into the emerald orbs dreamily. A small whimper like whine escaped his open lips and he sighed, looking down sadly. 

**_'He'll never love ya...'_ **

_ And...For once...The Little Dark voice...It wasn't mean about it...Because **it**  knew...That he knew...It was telling the truth...He was tainted...Filthy...He didn't **deserve**  the other boy... _

Pain clenched in his chest tightly, squeezing the breath out of his lungs as he tried not to let the rising tears fall. 

"Leo?"

He sucked in a shaky breath, choking back the sobs as he rubbed his scarred arm. 

"'M o-okay..." He muttered, biting the inside of his cheek. 

Leo's body tensed in shock as a pair of well toned arms wrapped around his waist, one traveling up across his shell and stroking the back of his neck comfortingly, pulling him closer to the body as a pair of lips touched his forehead softly. 

His body relaxed as he leaned into the warmth, inhaling the familiar scent that he'd become accustomed to over the past month. 

"I-I'm sorry..." He felt his knees go weak, collapsing under his weight as the world blurred and begun to spin. The arms tightened around his waist, holding him off the ground. 

"Heeey, it's okay there, baby boy," Blood rushed to his face, ( _and other regions if ya get my meaning ;)_ ) when he heard the nickname again. The other four were surrounding them, staring worriedly at the scene.

"'M okay...J-just...D-Dizzy..." Leo went limp in the stronger turtle's arms, his breathing was heavy as he struggled to stay conscious. His stomach twisted in retort as it growled angrily at him, cramping painfully. "J-Just..." He forced back a wince as it cramped again. "G-Gimme a...M-minute..." He breathed out, biting on his lip again. 

**_'Yer so pathetic, it ain't even been a week...Ya disgusting whore! Look'chya, ya've not been training and all yer doin' is puttin' on weight...Ya get more disgusting each day...If yer overweight then ya can't fight back...Not that, of course, ya fought back in the first place!'_ **

"I-I'm okay...I-I," Tears dripped from his eyes as his stomach twisted in, what felt like, a full circle. "A-Ah..." He whimpered, wrapping his arms around Raph's neck as a way, the only way, to keep himself from going completely limp.

"Leo, what's wrong!?" He heard his genius brother ask, but he was too weak to respond. His vision was blurring in and out of focus and it was taking everything he had to keep breathing. 

"'U-urts..." He choked out, leaning his forehead against Raph's shoulder, nuzzling the skin gently with his beak, inhaling the scent again as he struggled to stay awake.  

"I-I'm sorry..." He muttered sadly as he Raph knelt onto the ground, pulling him up so Leo's head was resting in his lap. April put a cold wash cloth on his forehead as Donnie tried to figure out what was wrong. 

"Fer what?" Raph asked gently, rubbing his arm gently. 

"F-for a-all this...F...For being..A-ah!" Tears streamed out of his eyes as one of his legs jerked, a dizzy spell passed after a minute and he looked up. Mikey was crying next to him, his smaller hands covering his mouth as he stared down at his older brother. Casey and April were getting, at least that's what it looked like, stuff for Donnie, who was kneeling at his feet while scanning him with some machine that Leo was too tired to figure out what it was going. Raphael was hovering over him, staring worriedly at him as he stroked the side of Leo's face lovingly. "F-for being...Such a b-burden lately..." He finished painfully, clutching his stomach as it growled angrily at him again. 

"You're not a burden, Leo. We....We're all really stressed, about trying to help you and saving New York and just everything...But you're not a burden to us." 

"Yea! Ain't nothin' you could do ta make us go away, like you said...We're family, yo! We've gotta stick together," 

"They're right, Fearless..."

Leo smiled lightly at his baby brothers, his face scrunching up in pain. 

_**'Like they're tellin' tha truth! They lie ta ya all the time, ya freaky little slut!'** _

"Shut up," He muttered quietly, squeezing his eyes together as he weakly touched his temples, digging his nails into the skin as he tried to silence the taunting little voice. 

"Huh?"

He shook his head, digging the nails in more. 

**_'HAHAHAHA Ya filthy li'l slut! Raphie saw it, now Donnie's seen it...TWO DOWN AND THREE TO GO BEFORE YER COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY ALONE'_ **

"SHUT UP!" He slammed the side of his head against Raph's plastron, starting to rip the nails down before a pair of hands grabbed his, pulling them away from his face and intertwining the fingers together tightly. 

"Leo!"

"Make I-It stop..."

"What stop?" Donatello asked frantically, forcing his older brother's eyes open and shining a light in them quickly before backing off. 

"T-he voice...He won't shut up..."

**_'What ya think tellin' 'bout me is gonna help! Well, reality check, slut, IT WON'T! YER STUCK WITH ME, FUCKER!'_ **

He cried out, pressing his palms into his temples as he leaned against Raph's upper plastron, sobbing loudly as he tried to block out the voice. 

"Leo!" 

"I can't! MAKE HIM SHUT UP!" 

Raph stared sadly, and worriedly, down at his sobbing sibling, wishing to god there was something he could think of to help...

 

'-" _I-I...I feel safe with you...A-and...When we kissed...It...It made the voices go away..."-'_

 

This was a risk, a high one at that...But....Maybe it's help...So he tried...Just once...Maybe he could actually help...

 

He lifted Leo up so he was more sitting on his lap instead of perching on it, grabbing the sides of his face gently, wiping away the tears as Leo looked up at him, his duller sapphire eyes practically begging for help, to make it stop...He felt his eyes rest on the boy's lip for a second before looking up again, asking wordlessly for permission. 

 

And Leo nodded lightly, his eyes filling with tears as the voice screamed at him...Telling him no one would love him...That he didn't deserve their help...That he was worthless...That...That he deserved _everything_...He wanted it to shut up...

 

And so he did what any sane...Okay...Not sane...He did what he was silently praying would work...Rubbing his thumbs over the sharper cheekbones _'Those weren't like that a few weeks ago'_...And kissed him...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope ya'll liked the chapter!! Raphie's finally sucked in his pride and talked to Leo!! And if ya'll didn't get the part about the thing on his arm, he cut, but he felt terrible afterwards and hasn't tried it again. That's why he was continuing to ignore Leo 'cause he knew Leo would be the first to notice, being the one who does it and knows what self harm cuts looks like. Leo was suspecting what they were, but he wanted Raph to tell him.   
> And the little part "I-I...I feel safe with you...A-and...When we kissed...It...It made the voices go away..." Wasn't in any chapters, so don't be confused that you don't remember it. I'm putting it so that was slightly after the kiss before Leo's last suicide attempt, so like in the middle of the night and they were both practically asleep and mumbling stuff. Raphael remembers this because Leo told him that when they kissed the "Dark Little Voice" shut up, so he's hoping ;) that it'll make it shut up this time too.


	10. Of Nightmares and Re-Telling's

_ It...This was bliss...Seriously... _

Even the voice didn't know what to say so he, finally, shut up.  

Leo felt himself relax, leaning forward as he tugged himself closer to the thicker body, kissing back as the pain drifted to the back of his mind. 

A small snicker broke them out of the trace as they pulled away, Leo's face flushed as he looked down. Mikey snickered behind them, making kissing noises despite his other brother's obvious discomfort. 

Raph wrapped an arm around the boy, who was currently hiding his face in his neck, rubbing the back of his neck gently as he relaxed, smiling to himself. 

"Hey, babe?" He whispered, catching the three's attention as Leo looked up, a small smile on his face. 

"Hmpm?"

"Ya seem calmer,"

"He shut up," Leo blushed deeper, resting against his neck again as he nuzzled into the skin. 

"So you're okay now?"

Leo looked up, his body freezing when he realized the other two were still there before nodding. "Y-Yea...I...I think so..."

"I don't," Donnie spoke up, straightening up as he looked at them. "You're under weight, like really under weight. Because we're turtles it's harder to see, but if we _were_  humans, you'd need to lose like 3 more pounds before you were diagnosed anorexia,"

"W-what..." Leo asked quietly after a few seconds.

"What's that?"

"Anorexia is a very serious, and deadly, eating disorder. I'm pretty sure, just now if w-we..." Don blushed lightly as he smiled lightly at Raph. "If Raph hadn't been able to calm you down and get you to relax you're stomach cramping around have gotten worse until you couldn't breath. Thing are different for us because our immune systems. It takes a more to lose weight 'cause we're technically able to go months without eating, but since we've been mutated and you've been stressing a lot more, you've lost a lot of weight any how. We've gotta feed you,"

"But...I-I'm not hungry..." Leo lied, looking away from his brothers. _Raph...He liked him....At least better now...H-he liked him...He was skinny...A-and...He was better...He was...More appealing like this?"_

"Baby," His face heated as he looked nervously up at Raph. "Yer gonna eat, 'cause ya are hungry whether ya wanna admit it or not," 

"I-I..."

"Commo," Raphael helped to him his feet, clutching his hands as he supported him.  

Leo sighed as he realized he didn't have a choice in the matter, and allowed his younger brother to help, though it was more like carry, him downstairs. 

Mikey "bounced" around the kitchen, trying to act happier in the tense atmosphere. 

"So, what-cha wantin', bro?!" He grinned at the tired boy, who returned the smile lightly while leaning against Raph's shoulder, nuzzling into the skin. 

"Mmmmm, spaghetti...Yep, that sounds great..." He muttered. 

"Okay!" Mikey quickly rushed around the decent sized kitchen, pan's clanking together as he threw them onto the stove, grabbing the stuff out of the fridge, humming to himself as he worked. 

Leo looked down blankly at the table as he leaned against Raph's neck, chewing his lip softly. 

**_'Why are ya such a freak? Honestly, though...Like outta all tha people I coulda got stuck wit' it had ta be you! The biggest freak of 'em all!'_ **

He flinched as pushed his chair closer to Raph's, a small, pained whimper escaping his lips. 

The other three froze as all eyes snapped over to him. 

A synced "What's wrong?" came from the three. 

"Nothing, j-just..." Leo tapped his temple. Raph wrapped his arm around the smaller boy's shoulders and pulled him against his plastron, rubbing his forehead with his cheek. "We've gotta go back to New York soon," He whispered about 10 minutes later while reluctantly moving the pasta around his plate. 

"Hm? Why?"

"You're not ready to go back, none of us are, Leo."

"But we have to," Leo looked up, staring at his brothers. "Sensei is waiting for us, and the people of New York need us, we can't just sit here and expect the Kraang to wait. Master Spinter's somewhere in New York, waiting for us. We can't just stay here."

"You've gotta get betta first, Fearless, then we'll go back and kick some ass,"

He didn't bother getting onto him about the language as he leaned against Raph's plastron, slowly eating as they talked.

* * *

 

It was two weeks later, and though they were all trying, Leo still wasn't much better. Nothing seemed to work because of the panic attacks and he couldn't eat much due to stress.

Mikey talked to him a lot, trying to ease the past out of him peacefully. And, finally, the day came...When he said "yes"...

They, the turtles, were sitting in the master bedroom. All anxiously awaiting whatever this was, or the reactions. A tense, yet comforting silence in the air.

Leo swallowed nervously, wiggling his toes while he leaned against Raph's thighs, staring up at the ceiling. 

He breathed out, closing his eyes as small memories flickered through his mind, tears hit the blanket as they rolled down the sides of his face. He felt Raph tense at the tears and smiled lightly up at him. 

"'M okay..." He whispered, intertwining his fingers with the kelly green ones, rubbing his thumb across the top.

**_'They're gonna hate-chu!'_ **

Leo flinched, shaking his head with a sigh.

"Um...I-I don't know...Um..W-where t-to start...So...Um...W-what happened...W-with Shredder...It um," He swallowed, sitting up and rubbing his thighs. 

Mikey placed a hand against Leo's shin with a supportive smile.

"It's okay, bro, nuthin' bad's gonna happen." He whispered lovingly at his dejected brother. 

Leo nodded lightly, smiling anxiously at Mikey before turning back to the bed, missing the confused and worried look that Raphael and Donatello shared. 

"S-something...Um, like that...H-Happened before...W-when we were younger..." Leo stuttered out, biting down harshly on his lip. 

"Wh-what?" He looked up fearfully at Donnie, who was staring horridly at him, before looking away. Taking a deep breath as he tried not to cry. 

"I-I..." Tears dripped down his cheeks. 

_**'Told ya stupid!'** _

Panic seized around his heart, a loud thumping in his ears.

"Hey, Fearless? Baby," A pair of arms wrapped around his body, pulling him down onto Raph's thighs again. "It's okay," Raph looked down at the boy resting on his skin, wiping away the tears lovingly as he smiled upside downly at the boy. "We ain't judgin' ya, baby. We're just worryin' 'bout-chu,"

"W-what?"  

Leo smiled lovingly up at him, his heart thumping loudly as he sighed. 

"You...Um wanna tell us...What happened? Y-You don't have to! I-If you don't want to," Donnie stuttered out, shifting over so they were curled around the boy. 

"U-Um..."

"You can do it, bro. It's just one more time, ya've already told me and April, and we didn't hate-chu, yo!" 

"Y-Yea..." Leo muttered as he sucked in a breath, before starting his tale.

"Okay, so um...I-I went up to the surface...Wh-when we were ten..."

 

They didn't go to the surface at all until they were 12 and Raph and Mikey snuck out and got caught by Master Splinter. 

 

 

 

"W-we got split up...A-and I...I found a manhole cover...A-and I thought....A-at that age...If I-I went up, and went a-against Splinter's rules, y-you guys would t-think I w-was...Was so boring..." He refused to look up, tears splashing against his clenched hands.

"I-I-I guess that didn't re-really work out t-that way..." The lump in his throat grew painfully large, making it hard to talk or swallow. "You guys j-just h-hated me more..."  

A higher pitch throaty scream escaped him as he tried not to sob, his heart thumping loudly beneath his plastron. 

"S-So um...I-I went up, a-and it was...Well a-amazing... f-for a ten year old...But I guess it's not that amazing now...I lost t-track of time...A-and got distracted...W-walking around the ally way...A-A human s-saw me...""

 

Mikey was tense, knowing what would happen, knowing that he just wanted to make his big brother feel better, yet he wanted to make him stop, to calm his brother down, not to make his big brother go through this again...

But he didn't, he stayed next to him, running his hand comfortingly over his leg.

 

"I-I wasn't paying attention a-and h-he saw me..." Leo's grip on Raph's arm tightened as he looked off to the side, away from his siblings. His beak nuzzled against the side of Raph's thigh.

He could hear the sharp inhales from his little brothers and he tensed, but he had to keep going.

Raph rested his hand against Leo's side, running it up and down gently until the tension slowly eased away.

"I-I thought...About going t-to the manhole a-and trying to g-get home, but...But I didn't want him f-finding the lair and you guys...S-So I stayed..."

"He asked what my name was...A-and I told him I wasn't allowed t-to talk to strangers..." Leo closed his eyes against Raph's inner thigh. "He said w-we were friends s-so I could tell him..." Leo shrugged. 

Mikey tensed at the mention of the word. 

"I w-was stupid...I-I just...I wanted a friend..."

"But you had us,"

"Y-yea, but...I was the older brother, I am the older brother, I'm not your friend half the time...Definitely not back then, you guys didn't really like me that much...Just called me lame and boring all the time..." He muttered sadly. "A-and...Well Raph had Spike, Don never really talked to us that much 'cause he had his inventions a-and Mikey's always had all of us and S-Sensei, but...I wasn't allowed to have problems o-or friends, Sensei just wanted m-me to train and be ready to become leader, and I thought..." 

Leo didn't look back at his brothers, just pulled Raph's arm closer over his back and against his plastron, nuzzling the skin. 

"I thought m-maybe I-I could have my own friend...T-that wasn't like...Someone in the family...But I was stupid...S-so, so stupid...And I told him...I told him my name..." 

He sucked in a wheezy breath, blinking away the tears. 

"I was stupid..." The tears dripped off his beak and onto Raph's leg as he stared at the wall. "I-I just wanted a-a friend...So-so I trusted a human...A-and I guess...I totally paid for it..."

He curled his toes, biting on his lip hard enough to split the skin. A tangy, copper taste filled his mouth. Ghost hands traveled across his skin, ripping into him, lips forcing themselves on his, and the splitting pain that shot up his spine. His body flinched as he looked up at the worried looks on his brothers faces. 

"Are you okay?"

"Hmm? Y-Yeah?"

"We've been tryin' ta get-cher attention fer tha past two minutes,"

"O-Oh..."

Leo sat up, rubbing his plastron. 

"S-sorry...I-I..." Tears filled his eyes again. 

"Hey," Raph cupped his cheeks gently, rubbing the skin. "It's okay, babe."

Leo smiled sadly, before sniffling and rubbing the tears away from his eyes before resting his hands over Raph's. 

"You don't have to continue if you don't want to," Donnie said, his eyes full of support. 

"No-I mean...I-if you want me t-to stop, I-I can..."

"No! I-I didn't mean...If...It's to much for you, like...Don't push yourself."

"I-I know, Don...I-I just...I want to get this out..."

Leo rubbed his thighs nervously, before looking up, already missing the warmth on his cheeks.  

"I-I talked to him for...I don't know how long, but I-I told him a-about you guys...I-I was bragging a-about being the oldest a-and I told him...A-about you guys!" His legs trembled as his breathing quickened again. The grip on his shin tightened, causing him to look up at the soft baby blue eyes of his little brother.

"Bro, we ain't mad about it, it's okay."

Leo sniffled as he curled into his side, his heart thumping loudly and painfully against his plastron. 

"I-I told him...Th-things..."

"And **that**  doesn't make it your fault." Said Mikey.

"Hm," Leo clearly didn't believe what the other boy had said. 

"Leo, what you told him doesn't make what he did alright." Mikey nuzzled his knuckles. 

"I was so stupid..." He muttered depressingly, tears brimming his eyes. "I-I told..."

_ He...Him and Raph hadn't talked about the nicknames and short kisses or the feelings.. _

_ He hadn't told him how he felt... _

_ He sure in hell didn't want to tell him now... _

"Him...T-things..That made it my fault..." He clenched his legs tightly together as tears dripped onto the blanket. 

"H-he kept touching me...A-and he w-wouldn't stop...I-I just want to g-go home..." He rubbed his eyes roughly before looking up at his brothers. 

"I-I tried to...To run off o-or get back to the sewers, but he was stronger than me...

I wasn't **trained**  enough..."

* * *

**_"All you do is train anymore!"_ **

_ "Stop actin' like yer betta than us 'cause ya train all tha time, are ya that desperate for Splinta's approval?!"  _

_ "You're so lame now, bro! All you do is nag on us and train!" _

_ "It's not healthy to train that much, Leo."  _

* * *

"He nearly broke my nose, thankfully he didn't, but it hurt...A-and he got really mad a-and aggressive a-after that...H-he tied my hands against my shell...I-I couldn't move o-or fight o-or...Anything...Everything hurt..." Leo rubbed his thighs again, breathing harshly through his nose against air that didn't seem to be there. His vision was fuzzy as he tried to calm down once again.

He gripped Raph's arm tightly between his fingers.

"Leo?!"

"'M okay...J-Just," He motioned to himself. "P-Panic attack," Leo wheezed out, before rocking back and forth while leaning back against Raph's open legs. "S-second..."

 

It took about two minutes before the attack passed and he was leaning against Raph when he started talking again. 

"I was t-to weak to f-fight back a-and it just...Continued...He kept...Saying things,"

"Leo?"

"Hm?" He looked up, not realizing he had looked down. 

"It might help if you say it,"

"It's not...Um...Really that, er, appropriate...Y-ya know...I don't..."

"Wanna freak us out?" Mikey chimed in.

"Yeah,"

"Ya won't, babe. It's okay," He smiled up at Raph before looking down again. 

"Um, h-he..."

_ How was he suppose to say all this? How was he suppose to know what to leave out?" _

"Just tell us everything, you don't have to leave details if you don't want to," Donnie said.

"O-okay..." Leo sighed. "S-so after I-I tried to run...He trapped me on m-my stomach a-and...The ground felt a lot rougher t-than before...A-and h-he kept grabbing my tail...A-and saying stuff...

I don't know if I was struggling, I just wanted to see you guys...I needed you guys...But I know I was struggling when...When I realized what...What he was doing...But it didn't matter, I-I couldn't stop him...He was stronger...I wasn't good enough, o-or trained enough...T-to stop him...

There was so much pain, and...I-I felt...Sad? Cause I knew I was screaming, but...Sensei didn't save me...He always s-said that...I-if we ran into a human or something...He would save us, but he didn't...I was alone...I needed him! And he wasn't there! H-He never c-came..."

Tears streamed from his eyes as he buried his head in his hands, small, yet harsh sobbing. 

Arms wrapped around his waist and he spun around, burying his face in Raph's neck. He inhaled the musky scent, trying to calm down his sobbing.

"He k-kept sa-saying that...That I was a whore...A-and that I was "made" for it...A-and.."

_ 'Tell them, just do it...' _

"I-I d-didn't, well, know anything a-about...Well _feelings_  and stuff...A-and...I-I talked to him ab-about...Um..."

Mikey gripped his hand gently, rubbing the knuckles comfortingly. 

"Th-these feelings...I'd s-st-started having...And c-cause of that...H-he kept saying t-that I wanted it a-and I didn't...A-and it hurt so much and I-I just wanted it t-to stop...I don't know how long it lasted...F-felt like forever...But I-I couldn't stand up...F-for over an hour a-after he...He walked away...I-I didn't even really...Think about other humans seeing me...I just...I wished, hoped, that the ground would have swallowed me...I _wish_  he would have killed me..." His arms sagged while he nuzzled into Raph's neck. 

"I had a lot of nightmares and p-panic attacks afterwards...I-I tr-trained more c-cause of that, t-to never feel like _that_  again...But I failed against Shredder..."

"You're amazing, bro! Just 'cause ya lost against Shred-head, who's at the same level as Sensei, doesn't mean you're less amazing," Mikey smiled at him.

"We'll always be here, Leo. We'll be here when we go back to New York and face Shredder, he's gonna pay for what he did to you. And we'll be right by your side when he does." Donnie said as Leo finally began calming down. 

"W-why don't y-you...You guys hate me?" 

"'Cause yer family, Leo, and nuthin' that happened was yer fault." Raph muttered, his grip on Leo's waist loosening as he looked up at Don and Mikey worriedly.

"Th-that's why...I-I tried t-to keep y-you guys i-in the sewers..."

Guilt clawed at the younger brother's stomachs at memories long forgotten for the older two and frequently thought about for the younger.

* * *

 

**Raph's flashback**

_ He was 13, not three! _

_ 'Leo needs ta relax, nuthin's gonna happen!' _

_ Raphael growled as his older brother stared angrily at him, his arms crossed while the other moved away from the lair door, a new video game for Mikey and a chemical set for Don. _

_ Why was Leo freaking out so much? _

_ "Relax, yo! You don't gotta be so serious all the time!" Mikey whined as he hung onto his oldest brother's arm. _

_ "Yeah, Leeeeooo, none of us wanna be 'round ya 'cause yer so lame and uptight all tha time," _

 

_ No one denied it... _

_ He hadn't really thought about the pained, shattered look that crossed his brother's face. Or how he turned and walked out, not saying anything as he went. _

_ He didn't **notice** the wheezing breathes at night, or the muffled screams... _

_ Or the fresh wrappings wrapped around his wrists the next morning. _

* * *

 

**Donnie's flashback**

_Leo was overreacting like normal._

_ He just went up to the surface to find some things for his new project. _

_ "You know you're not allowed to go up there, Don." _

_ He didn't notice the shaking or the quickened breath, probably thinking at the time it was out of anger... _

_ He didn't notice the fact he was having a panic attack. _

_ "Leo! Nothing bad is going to happen on the surface, you're being paranoid." _

 

_ Just like Raph, he **didn't**  notice the wheezed breathes or the muffled screams at night, or the fresh wrapping around his wrists. _

* * *

 

**Mikey's Flashback**

_Mikey was happy. He got a new gaming system and comics! Of course it took a lot longer than he meant for it._

_ He practically bounced into the lair, not noticing how late it was or that no one was suppose to be up. And just like that it changed. _

_ The system fell to the ground as a pair of arms wrapped around his shell, tears dripping down his neck. _

 

_ "L-Leo?" _

_ "You left the l-lair..." _

_ The grip tightened faintly before pulling back, bloodshot sapphire eyes scanned over his body for injuries. _

_ "I'm fine, bro. I was just gettin' some stuff," _

_ The arms embraced him again, no response was heard from the other boy as he was lifted up off the ground and carried over to the couch. Leo curled up with Mikey next to him, pulling him against him as he tried to calm his breathing. _

_ Mikey forgot about the scattered comics and the gaming system as he curled up, smiling lightly while gripping his brother's hand. _

 

_ He **did**  notice the muffled screams and panicked breathing, he could **hear**  them. He **did** notice the fresh wrappings the next morning... _

_...But he ignored them... _

_.....Until he forgot about them... _

_ Because he figured Leo would tell them if something was wrong. _

 

**Ending of all**

* * *

 

Leo whimpered, bring the three out of their memories.

Raph sighed. "Can I talk ta 'im, alone fer a minute?" He asked, causing the other two to nod, saying a few words to Leo before walking out, leaving the two males alone on the bed.

Leo turned around on his lap, worry and fear written in his eyes. 

"Ya got sumthin' ya wanna talk 'bout?" 

_ 'Shit...' _

"U-Um...N-No..."

"Really? What feelin's were ya talkin' 'bout, if ya don't mind me askin'?"

"O-Oh, t-those...Um..." Leo shifted his knees closer before looking up. "I-I've...I'm...Um...S-sorta...I-In love...W-with yo-you?" He squealed out, tears filling his eyes again at the long, pained silence after his confession. 

_ 'Oh god...He...He hates me...' _

"You...Like like me? Like romantically?"

"Y-y-yea," It was painful to talk, to think to...To everything...

"Oh...My god..." 

"I'm sor-"

He was shoved against the bed roughly, his arms trapped under Raph's palms as the other straddled him, kissing him passionately. 

 

Everything went away, all the panic in his heart, the voices and the nauseating turning in his stomach was replaced by butterflies.  

And he smiled against Raph's lips, pushing back into the kiss before pulling back. 

"W-wait...Y-you..."

"God, I'm so in love with you, Fearless," 

Tears filled his eyes as he stared up at the smiling face, a large, overjoyed smile crossing his face. 

_ This was...A miracle...T-they didn't hate him...His brothers knew everything, a-and they didn't hate him...A-and...Raph...He likes him? Likes him back?  _

He felt like this was a dream...But...Of course, dreams can only last so long before a nightmare takes over. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pleeeaaassse tell me what-cha guys think!! I love comments so much, I live off them XD   
> And I'm so sorry for the long wait! I've been having a lot of problems with school and my so called "best friend" has been ditching and ignoring me for her controlling, manipulative boyfriend. I've been super depressed and really suicidal so it took me a long time to get this written. I worked on it during school in a TMNT notebook, but I was always so tired when I got home.   
> And I've totally got a sorta crush on this guy and he likes me back and I said we'd talk on Monday 'bout it and stuff, but it's giving me a lot of anxiety 'cause he's sorta a manwhore (I'm friends with him and really know this after watching the amount of girls he goes through.), but he's really nice to me, for a football player, and he supposedly likes me back and stuff, but it's giving me a lot of anxiety now 'cause he seems to text on Facebook a lot and I'm bad at texting 'cause it makes me really nervous and stuff...  
> And I dated his sorta ex-ish bestfriend? (It's weird now,) and I'm just scared...I don't know what to do...Please tell me what you think I should do :/...


	11. The Sun's Rising

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so ungodly sorry for the wait!!!! *Sobs* These past few weeks have been like hell for me...Like...I just haven't been able to do anything, I feel sick all the time and so...Betrayed...  
> My "best friend" who I honestly thought the world of, I thought she was the most amazing friend in the word and that she would never like..Hurt me...But obviously I was wrong since she started trash talking me to one of our friend's, who quickly took sides and told me everything she said. My "best friend" told her a lot of those secrets you only tell your best friend, and my "best friend" told the girl a lot of those things that I'd told her, and she called me annoying and a bunch of other stuff...It really hurts, like a lot...  
> We were friends for over 4 years, and Clownfish (Ex-best friend) flipping "confronted" me today with her new best friend 'cause "apparently" I've been telling people when I'm sleeping that they're in some lesbian relationship or something and they wouldn't listen to me when I told 'em I hadn't told anyone that and apparently it's 'cause "I like her" (Ex-best friend, who apparently I had a crush on? Which I didn't, I act like I did with her with like all my close female friends, I'm a really emotional, physical person.) So she came over and confronted me with her little wannabe posse and boytoy and none one of my "friends" said anything, at all. (Though the chick Ex-best friend talked to wasn't there or she woulda kicked the shit outta them 'cause she's getting really pissed at the way she's acting.) But none of the others said anything, not a single word in my defense, so I feel great. (Sarcasm) That happened like less than 4 hours ago...
> 
> But um, yeah...I'm really sorry this took so long to update and that's it's such a short chapter...Sorry...（◞‸◟）

It was a little over five hours after Leo had finished his tale and they were all curled on the couch downstairs. Donnie was sitting in the armchair with April next to him, though the chair was small and April was curled against his side, almost sitting in his lap, but neither was complaining. Casey was sitting awkwardly next to them, him and Donnie having a hushed conversation. 

Leo and Raph were curled together on the love seat with Mikey at their feet. Unlike Don and April, they were sitting in silence, but a comfortable one. Leo was hidden in his side, half of his body lying on top of Raph with his left leg hanging off the couch and being held by Mikey. Raph was lying down, staring at the ceiling with a dreamy smile on his face as he brushed the back of Leo's neck, rubbing his fingers in small circles and humming softly. 

No one knew what had happened in the bedroom after the two left, they weren't talking about it, but they acted happier. Cuddled together on the couch, smiling lovingly at each in shy, fluttered glances. 

Mikey giggled again as he watched them blush when their eyes met. Leo nuzzled his beak against his neck, hiding his eyes in the skin with a small smile. 

"I love you..." He murmured with a blush, kissing the skin gently beneath his lips.

"I love you too, babe," Raph chuckled before kissing his forehead.

"Awwwee," Mikey snickered from the floor, causing everyone to look at him and Raph to glare at him.

"Shut it, Mikey," He hissed with a bright blush.

"So, um...Not to be rude," Casey started as he moved behind the couch and leaned over it, staring down at the lounging turtles. "But I've gotta ask, are you two like," He intertwined his fingers and pressed his hands together. 

Raph shrugged lightly as he glanced down at the half conscious boy lying on his plastron. "I-I think?" 

Leo's smile widened as he leaned down and kissed the skin above Raph's upper plastron. 

"So you two are dating?" April leaned over Don, ignoring the bright blush that covered the taller turtle's face, and grinned at the two. 

"Um, well,"

**_Flashback_ **

_ Leo sighed lightly as Raph pulled back, he stared up at him with a smile. _

_ "R-Raph?" He asked worriedly when he noticed the tears filling the emerald eyes.  _

_ "God, I love you so much, Fearless." Raph wrapped his arms around his body and tugged him closer and into his arms.  _

_ Leo inhaled, humming softly as he nuzzled into Raph's bicep.  _

_ "I love you too, Raphie,"  _

_ "Leo?" Raph asked a few minutes later, pulling back from the cuddle. _

_ "Yeah?" _

_ "I-I know...With e-everythin' th-that's happened, i-if ya don't want to...But, but if...If ya wa-wanna give me a chance....I-I promise, I'd like n-never try t-to push ya t-to do anything...I-If um..." _

_ Raph looked up, biting his lip nervously.  _

_ "S-So, um...I-If ya w-wanna give...I-it a try, will um...Like...Um..." _

_ "Raphie?" Leo whispered, grabbing hold of the other boy's hand gently. _

_ "Y-Yeah?" _

_ "Are you...A-Asking me out?" Leo smiled lightly as him, his eyes shining.  _

_ "Um, yeah...I-I...I am, but i-its okay, if y-ya don't want to,"  _

_ "Raph," _

_ Raph froze and looked up, a panicked look in his eyes as tears brimmed his eyes.  _

_ "Can you just kiss me again, please?" Leo leaned forward lightly, smiling larger as his eyes flickered down to Raph's lips, which spread into a smile as they pressed against his again.  _

_ "So," Raph smirked against Leo's lips, biting down lightly on his bottom lip and pulling it out, sucking on the skin while staring seductively at him before chuckling. "Is that a yes?" He asked breathlessly, pressing one last kiss against his lips before pulling back. _

_ "Yeah, o-of course it it." Leo wrapped his arms around Raph's body, nuzzling against his neck.  _

**_End of Flashback_ **

"Yeah, w-we are..." Leo whispered, his eyes closed as he stared at the darkness. He felt Raph tense and he looked up, sudden fear and worry in his eyes.

_ W-What if...If Raph didn't...W-Want them to know.... _

_ Shit... _

_ He fucked up... _

_ Raph was never going to want to be with him...I-It had been less than five hours and h-he'd already fucked up... _

But when his eyes met Raph's face, his screaming mind was silenced at the smile on his face.

"Yeah," Raph smiled down at him, kissing his forehead gently and allowing his lips to rest there. 

"I love y-you, Raph..." Leo whispered with a small sigh. 

"I love ya too, babe,"

* * *

 

It was getting better, since Leo told them about the events that led to the origin of his depression. They tried to avoid things that would likely trigger him, guilt making their stomachs twist at all the things they remembered doing that would and likely did freak him out.

"Hey! Leo, whatcha want for dinner?" Mikey bounced into the living room, holding a cook book between his hands. 

"Oh, um...W-Why don't you decide, Mike? You've been making so much stuff for me lately, you should get to have what you want tonight," 

Mikey didn't look overly thrilled, but agreed anyway, returning to the kitchen and starting to make one of Leo's known favorite meals. If Leo did notice, he didn't say anything, but he ate more than half the plate, seemingly not noticing as he held up a conversation with April about her training. 

* * *

"Eh, Fearless?" Raphael looked down tiredly at the dozing off turtle on his plastron, rubbing the shell gently.

"Hm?"

"Ya've gotta get ta bed," He felt the head shake against his neck.

"Mphn, don't wanna g-get up," 

"But, baby, ya can't sleep on tha couch all night," 

"I'm not," He looked up at Raph, his sapphire eyes shining playfully. "I'm gonna sleep on _you_ all night," He grinned, giggling lightly before kissing Raph.

"Yer a dork," Raph chuckled.

"Am not,"

"Are too,"

"Am not,"

"Are to-"

Leo chuckled into his hand as he pulled back from another kiss, nuzzling Raph's beak with his before lying his head down. 

"I love you,"

"Yeah, yeah...Love ya too," 

"Raph?"

"Hm?"

"Can I start training again tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I'mma getcha back on yer feet again, Fearless,"

* * *

"H-Hey...Um...Donnie?" Leo stood awkwardly in the doorway of the shed, glancing around the room. A loud (thud) from his right caught his attention as his younger brother appeared from under the car, rubbing his forehead with an embarrassed grin. 

"Hey, Leo. What's up?" Donnie wiped his hands clean on a cloth as the two sat down on the couch facing each other.

"...How much longer do you think it's gonna be before you guys _let_ me take us back to New York? We can't stay here forever, a-and the Kraang are just going to get stronger." 

"O-Oh...Um..."

"I'm getting better, sure it's not...Perfect, but just staying here isn't going to do anything more than it already has."

"I guess...You are back to full health, pretty much. Personally though, I think you need to gain another 10, 20 pounds, but you're back to how you were b-before...At least, physically, for the most part...And," Donnie sighed, looking over at his older brother with a sad glimmer in his eyes. "We're just worried,"

"Wh-"

"Because, we'd be fighting again a-and...None of us wanna see you...Sacrifice yourself for any of us, o-or just...That we wouldn't be strong enough to beat Shredder. Mikey keeps having nightmares about it,"

Leo straightened up, panic and guilt flashing across his face.

"He doesn't think we know," Donnie added quickly. "I've seen him a few times, after he wakes up and stuff, he'll like sit next to you for a while when you're sleeping, like he's making sure you're alive. It was really hard...When you were in the coma..." Donnie sighed, leaning over and resting his head against Leo's shoulder. "Sensei always said that...To make a good team, we had to trust each a-and...Not give up hope...On each other...But it was hard, never knowing that...That maybe one day, you'd just stop breathing and there was nothing I could do. I didn't have the equipment t-to help you...It was terrifying, watching ourselves lose hope like that...C-Cause it wasn't just...That we knew you were dead, a-and not coming back...You were still alive, but it seemed like it was hopeless...

And it just...It made me realize that...We can't lose you, and I know you don't think you're _that_  important, but we all keep each other together, in the team, but as brothers...We need our older brother, all of us. And it's scary, thinking t-that...If we go back, there's a chance we'll lose you again." 

"Donnie?" 

The younger boy looked up after a few seconds. 

"I'm not planning on losing against them, and I don't want to leave you guys."

"But how will you react, seeing Shredder again?"

Leo looked away, frowning as he bit his lip. "I-I don't know...But we have to try," 

* * *

Almost 2 months after the conversation in the bedroom between the brothers they were ready...

 

Nerves racked against the sixes stomach's as they moved everything they needed back into the party wagon, no one really saying anything as mindless thoughts about the future over took their minds. 

"We're ready," April looked over at Raph and Leo, who were standing in the kitchen. Leo stared out the window as his breaths came out in short gasps, not noticing her presence. 

Raph nodded shortly to her and she quickly went outside, leaving the two alone. 

"W-what if we can't beat them?" Leo's voice caught in his throat, resting his head against the counter rather roughly.

"We will, we can't afford that way of thinkin', babe." 

"Bu-"

Raph moved over to him, lifting his head up and kissing his forehead gently, wrapping his arms around the smaller turtles waist and neck. "We're gonna be okay, Fearless." He pulled back, rubbing the tear stained cheek softly.

"W-what about Sensei? What about us!?"

"Leo! He ain't gonna do nuthin', and if he does we'll figure it out, but I ain't losin' ya, I promise." Leo rested his forehead against his plastron, sighing lightly before nodding. "Ya ready?"

"Haha," Leo chuckled humorlessly. "No, but we don't have a choice." 

"Leo, we can stay longer if ya need,"

"No! W-we've gotta save the people...We've stayed here to long...I'm okay," He leaned up, kissing Raph lightly before pulling back. "Really, just...Anxious..."

Raphael reached down, intertwining their fingers and tugged him closer as they walked outside. Minutes later the six were all loaded into the van, the Farm House slowly getting smaller as they got closer and closer to New York.

_ They were going home... _

_ Or... _

_ What was left of it... _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm really sorry this is so short and that it took so long, I'll try to make the next chapter longer...I just don't know about anything anymore...  
> I love you guys, I'm really sorry this took so long...Sorry...（>﹏


	12. A Break In Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the support about everything's that been going on!!! Really, it means so much. You guys are amazing! -(๑☆‿ ☆#)ᕗ   
> Yay!! Only 'bout three more chapters now!! And I've already got over 3,000 words on the next chapter. ^_^

 

Mikey curled against the mounds of blankets in the back of van, closing his eyes and allowing muted memories scream.

 

_**4 years before "The Fall"** _

" _Weo!" Mikey's little legs rushed as fast as they could over to his older brother, who smile at him and caught him just before he stumbled. Mikey grinned up at him before letting his weight fall on top of Leo, who laughed._

_ "Daddy sai' tha' when he gows up top, he gonna get me more comics! And 'Onnie is gonna 'welp me wead!" Mikey grinned again, his tongue poking through the empty hole were one of his baby teeth use to be, his little, stubbed fingers wiggling in excitement. "Waphie stole all my toys again though, dat's why daddy's gonna get me new stuffies,"  _

_ Raph had denied it, of course, because they all knew Mikey tended to misplace things, but Mikey was persistent that his brother had stolen his stuff.  _

_ "Weo?" _

_ "Hm?"  _

_ "You won't weave us, wight?" _

_ "Why would I leave you guys?" Leo forced his brother to sit up, staring worriedly at him. _

_ "Waphie said that if I kept "awwoying" you, dat you wouldn't wanna be 'round me no more and weave," Mikey's lip trembled as tears filled his eyes. _

_ "I'm not gonna leave 'cause of you," _

_ "You're gonna weave!?" Tears streamed down Mikey's cheeks as his face flushed, his lips turned downward painfully as he tried not to sob. _

_ "No! No, no I'm not." Leo hugged him, smiling lightly. "I'm not gonna leave you guys." _

  
  


_**8 days after "The Fall"** _

 

_It was the middle of the night, the soft humming of electricity was snapped by a panic induced scream._

_Mikey shot up, a small noise escaping as he looked around._

_Another scream and he jumped up, running to the person he normally went to when he was afraid._

_His little, 10 year old legs rushed to his oldest brother's room, only to find his brothers and Sensei there._

_Sensei was struggling to wake up the frightened boy, his small, bruised body flinching as his eyes snapped open._

_He fell, according to Leo..._

_Leo told them he fell down a hole somewhere in the sewers...That's where the bruises came from..._

 

_Leo's eyes were wide and glassed over, flickering around before he slapped a hand over his mouth and ran out._

_He hadn't eaten all week since he fell..._

_He was drying heaving when Sensei told them to go back to bed, that he would take care of their older brother._

_Mikey went back to sleep, trying to ignore the small, yet still harsh sobbing that he rarely to never heard before this week..._

 

_That had to be a really bad fall..._

 

**_(TMNT TMNT)_ **

 

_He had said it was a normal nightmare...The next day, when Mikey had asked. Raph yelled at him for always "Putting on a stupid brave face and trying to be better than them." Leo ran out, after that, he didn't come out of his room for the rest of the day...He started wearing wraps on his legs and arms after that..._

 

_**2 months after "The Fall"** _

 

_ He could feel a pair of eyes staring down at him, even in his sleep. Mikey pried his eyes open and he let out a mental sigh when he recognized the blue mask of his older brother.  _

_ "Leo?" Mikey sat up with a yawn. "What're you doin'?" _

_ "S-Sorry..I..." _

_ Mikey's tired state vanished as he caught onto the shaky, tearful voice.  _

_ "Leo?" He sat up completely, staring worriedly at his older brother. "What happened?" He asked quietly.  _

_ "Nothing....Just...N-nightmare...I-I guess..." Leo stared gloomily at the floor.  _

_ "Ya wanna talk about it?" Mikey asked, leaning forward a bit. Leo shook his head.  _

_ "Do you wanna sleep in here tonight?"  _

_ "I-I..." _

_ "Ya won't like, be bothering me or nothing," Mikey smiled comfortingly at him as he looked up, tears streaming down his face.  _

_ Mikey pulled his blanket back and almost instantaneously a warmth appeared next to him. _

_ Leo had been having a lot of nightmares since his "fall". _

 

_**4 mouths after "The Fall"** _

_ "Hey, Leo, ya wanna play video games?!"  _

_ Mikey bounced into the Dojo, the familiar sounds of metal slashing through air filling the room.  _

_ "C-Can't," _

_ Mikey held back rolling his eyes. Leo'd been in here training for the past five hours, not including morning training.  _

_ "But, Le-" _

_ "Mikey,! I can't," Leo snapped, sending an annoyed glance towards Mikey before returning his attention to the invisible opponent in front of him. A sad sigh made him glance over again. "Mik-" _

_ "It's okay," Mikey said with a depressive gleam in his eyes as he looked down. He sent a small smile towards his brother before turning and walking out.  _

**_*Snap!*_ **

_ He didn't really think much of the sound. _

_ Donnie said the next day Leo had a mild concussion from the deep gash on his forehead. _

* * *

**_Present Time_ **

Donnie looked over at Mikey's shifting facial expression, allowing a small smile to cover his face when he glanced over at Leo, who was curled against Raph's plastron.

**_2 months after "The Fall"_ **

_ He felt himself being lifted off his desk, mumbling softly as he kept his eyes closed. _

_ "Gotta...Project..." _

_ "You need rest, Don." He heard Leo's voice above him as he was gently laid down on his bed. _

_ "But,"  _

_ "No, just rest, Don." _

_ He mumbled again before drifting off.  _

_ Donnie woke up the next morning in his bed, two large blankets thrown over him with a bottle of water and Tylenol on the bedside table. _

**_"You'll have a headache, take these and sleep. I'll talk to Sensei and get you excused from practice. Sleep."_ **

**_-Love,_ **

**_Leo_ **

_ He smiled lightly at the letter, ignoring the pounding in his head as he popped the pills into his mouth, downing them with the water before curling up under the blankets again.) _

 

**_4 months after "The Fall" (30 minutes after Mikey's last flashback)_ **

_ "Um...Don?" _

_ He jumped up, alarmed by the weak stuttered voice coming from the doorway, sapphire eyes glazed over as he stumbled into the room, his grip on the door frame loosening before he lost his balance completely.  _

_ "Leo!" _

_ Donnie jumped forward, knocking down his chair and sending papers flying off his lap as he caught his brother.  _

_ "Ha...Ha...S-Sorry," Leo leaned his head down against Don's plastron,  his breathing was slow, wheezy and uneven.  _

_ He looked up, his eyes were bloodshot, brimmed with tears. A large gash going from his forehead to the corner of his ear-slit, crimson blood dripped down the side of his face.  _

_ "What happened!?" Donne asked worriedly. _

_ "I...I fell..." Leo avoided his brother's eyes with a sigh.  _

_ Donnie didn't press the matter as he stitched up the wound, recognizing the clean split that he had stitched up multiple times on the four of them, made from the deadly sharp blade of his brother's katana, but he didn't mention it.  _

_ He watched Leo for a few minutes, figuring out he had a mild concussion. _

* * *

**_Present Time_ **

Raph smiled down at Leo's sleeping face, rubbing his cheeks gently with his thumb. Raph hummed softly as he rested his lips against Leo's forehead, closing his eyes as he felt the van bounce against the concrete. 

**_3 months after "The Fall"_ **

_ He could hear the slashing in the air from the swinging katana's. Raph sat up, rubbing his eyes roughly before standing up, glaring at the wall as he walked grumpily over to his older brother's room. He rammed his fists against the door, his head pounding as he tried to fight off the on coming headache.  _

_ "Leo! Go to sleep, dammit!" A clattering sound inside made him jump, leaning closer to the door worriedly. Seconds later the door opened to reveal his older brother. Sweat dripped down his neck as he shifted around, eyes flickering around the empty hallway before landing on Raphael, but it was most like he was staring through him. Leo's breathing was heavy, uneven and quick as he leaned against the door frame, his eyes bloodshot and puffy as his hands shook while clutching his katana's.  _

_ "W-What..." He stuttered out, his sapphire eyes wide. _

_ Raph opened his mouth to get onto his brother again, but nothing came out as he stared at the tear stained face. "Are ya okay, Fearless?" Leo nodded hesitantly, looking down as he struggled to breath. "Ya should go ta sleep," _

_ "C-Can't...No!" He stepped back, shaking his head rapidly while he stumbled, tripping over a weapons case and hitting the ground with a **thud**. "H-He's there..." Leo whispered, staring wide eyed at the floor by his feet, the katana's lying forgotten feet away from him. "Always t-there..." He spoke quietly, almost enough that Raph couldn't hear him if it wasn't for the fact that he was now kneeling in front of the shell shocked turtle.  _

_ He? Who's he? Raph thought, but he didn't ask. _

_ "Leo?" _

_ "'M fine..." He didn't say anything after that, just mindlessly rested his forehead against Raph's plastron and fell asleep. _

 

**_6 months after 'The Fall"_ **

_ 'Fearless barely get outta bed anymore, it's been a week, but he just kinda...Stares at you...When you try. Even Sensei seems to be baffled about how to get Leo to respond. He seems real depressed, and sick, like ill sick. Don says he might have a fever, but Leo won't let anyone close enough ta touchin' him to tell.' _

 

_ Raph walked into the kitchen, chugging down a bottle of water before looking over at the kettle. He let out a small, exaggerated sigh before filling the metal container with water. _

_ A few minutes later he was carrying a "Space Hero" coffee mug filled with streaming, hot tea, muttering to himself how he got into this situation. He knocked loudly on his brother's door, hears the bedding move and shift before a quiet, muffled "Come in," could be heard. He opened the door, shifting around in the dark room until he made it to the side of the small bed, kneeling down.  _

_ "Fearless?" _

_ "Hm," The covered moved until Leo peaked out, staring up at his younger brother.  _

_ "Here," Raph pushed the cup in front of the smaller male, thanking the darkness to hide the blush that covered his face at the little smile that crossed Leo's face when he took the cup. _

_ "Thanks, Raph..." _

_ "Hm," He looked away, crossing his arms loosely.   _

_ "You...You don't have to stay in here, y-you know?" _

_ "Yeah, I know. If I didn't **want**  to be 'ere, I wouldn't be in 'ere," He smirked cockily down at the boy before sitting down on the edge of the bed and relaxing against the headboard. _

* * *

 

April smiled back at the boys peaceful, sleeping faces. Wishing nothing more than to be able to take away the nervousness and anxiety about returning to New York.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed this little like, filler chapter. I didn't want to end it so suddenly, and I thought this would be cool. Please tell me whatcha guys thought!! <3 :))) They'll be in New York next chapter! Seeing Splinter, Karai and Shini.


	13. Sticks and Stones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay!! It's over 6,000 words!! Hopefully the next chapter will be longer.   
> I hope ya'll like it!!

Leonardo sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time, staring aimlessly out the window. Trees passed by quickly. His brothers were still sleeping in the back, now joined by April, but he was unable to as his thoughts ran wild. 

_ 'What if Sensei doesn't approve of us? What if Raph doesn't what to be with me anymore? What is Sensei b-blame me for keeping them away...From keeping them from saving N-New York? What if he m-makes Karai leader...C-Cause I'm so weak?' _

He closed his eyes, rubbing his temples roughly as he tried to fight off the migraine.

"Leo? Buddy, ya okay?" Leo looked over at Casey, who was driving.

"Hm? O-Oh, um...Just anxious...'Bout going back...And s-seeing Sensei again...A-after all this..."

"'Cause of your relationship with Raph?" 

"Y-Yeah, I...I don't know how...He'll react a-and it's really...Scary...Cause I don't want to lose him..."

"Well, I haven't known Splinter for very long, but if he does, ya know, you guys can always stay with me or April, we ain't gonna let him ruin this for you."

"He's right," April yawned as she peaked out from the back, climbing into the front seat between the boys and leaning against Leo. "If he doesn't react well, you guys are always welcome with us. And Raph loves you, nothing Master Splinter says is going to change that."

Leo smiled at them before looking down. April reached over, stroking the side of his cheek gently, rubbing the tears away with a small smile. He flinched lightly before relaxing against her hand.

"Come on, sweetie, you need rest before we get there. I'll wake you up a couple minutes before we're there." April smiled again at him as he climbed into the back, cuddling against Raph's side.

The larger turtle wrapped his arms around Leo and tugged him closer. 

It reminded April of how they looked almost 7 months ago...The last time they were all in this van, moving away from New York. 

"Ya think Splinter's really gonna reject them?" Casey asked quietly after Leo's breathing evened out, driving her out of her thoughts. 

"I-I..." April looked over at him from her position by the window. "I don't know, he's never really...Talked about things like this," April said nervously, resting her chin against her palm. "I hope he accepts it...I just want this nightmare to be over for the boys, and for him not to ruin it." 

She sighed heavily, closing her eyes. "I'm terrified, honestly, of his reaction though. Those boys, they're the closest thing I've got to family...And this whole ordeal...It's terrifying, knowing how much they've gone through...That _humans_ have put them through, and yet...They keep trying to protect us, even though we don't deserve it..." April confessed dejectedly, glancing behind her at the sleeping turtles, who were huddled together in the back of the van. "They're my family, and it kills me that people judge them so much...And hate them...Because they're the sweetest things, people, I've ever met..." She frowned against her hand.

* * *

 

Nearly two hours later they approached the boarders of the city, large metal walls standing hundreds of feet high. Kraang droids were patrolling the outskirts of the city. Casey parked the van in a secluded place while they figured out how to sneak in.

April climbed into the back, smiling sadly at the sight. They all looked so calm and happy, she just hoped it wouldn't be the last time. She pulled out the camera, flickering through the videos and pictures she's taken over the past 7 months, smiling at them.

She turned down the volume before hitting play on one of them. 

_Mikey's face appeared on the screen, he grinned at the screen, but his eyes were rimmed red and puffy._

_ "Hehehe," He giggled at something off screen before turning to April. _

_ "Mikey? What do you think of Leo?" She heard her own voice ask quietly, seeing the stars light up in his eyes. In the first few months he talked about Leo all the time, different little things, but it seemed to make him feel better.  _

_ "Leo?" He sat down and the camera followed him. "My thoughts on him..." He bit his lip before smiling again. "He's really cool! He can do a lot of stuff perfectly, that I can't. He's really good at fighting, training, even at video games! Even though he doesn't play them very much. _

_ "And he's really dependable too, and caring. He always took care of us when we were little, and if I ever had a nightmare, he'd take me out to the couch, get me warm milk and watch cartoons with me until I fell asleep...But he'd never leave me alone. He'd just hold me on the couch all night.  _

_I wanna be like him sometimes, 'cause he's like a super hero! He's always there when you need him...That's why I know he's gonna wake up, 'cause we need him, and he'll never let us down like that." Mikey grinned at the screen again._  

She smile largely at the recording before hitting play on the second one. 

_Donnie looked up from his project when she asked the same question._

_"Leo..." He sighed with a sad frown. "He's a good leader, he always seems to know what to do...And makes the right decision when it comes to us and **our**  protection, but he's also pretty stupid." Donnie looked up, tears brimming his eyes. "He never...Thinks about his health, he never really has, even when we were younger, he never really put his health first, but he's a considerate brother. He really is amazing, I just wish he wasn't..So...Self-sacrificial all the time."_

She looked up at the huddled turtles, biting down on her lip as her eyes stuck to Leo for a few seconds. While she hadn't known the boys _that_  long, she had noticed the way Leo acted. How they all acted. 

_"Hey, Raph. What do you think of Leo?"_

_ Raph looked up from the tree he had just destroyed, his knuckles bloodied and bruised. The emerald eyes stared bloodshot at the screen as he forced the glare off his face as he bit his lip. _

_ "Fearless's is a...He's a good fighta, and leada...He's always there in time, ta be tha hero, but he neva gives up...But he's a dumbass sometimes, tryin' ta take on people, Shredda mainly, even if 'e can't beat, even when 'e knows he can't beat 'im, he still does. And he's gonna die, one of these days, and we'll hava move on," _

_ He turned and looked at her, sadness written clearly on his face.  _

_ "Raph?" _

_ "Yeah?" _

_ "I-I...I know, this is probably out of line, but...You're in love with him, aren't you?" _

_ Raph looked away, crossing his arms.  _

_ "No one's gonna see this, but," _

_"Yeah..." He whispered. "Yeah, I am...But it doesn't matter," He snapped, shoving his hand in front of the camera with a blush. "Shut that damned thing off!"_

That was over 6 months ago, she had been planning on showing Leo the videos, but with everything that had happened, she forgot. 

April continued flickering through the pictures, the one she took the morning after Leo woke up of all the turtles curled together on the couch. One of Mikey and Leo in the kitchen, about a week after he woke up. About fifty pictures she went through before she found the ones from after Leo told his brothers about Keith, of all of them together in the living room, when Raph and Leo got together. She got the perfect one, of the two of them curled together on the couch, staring at each other with flushed faces and small, dreamy smiles and starry eyes. Leo was staring up at him from his position lying on top of Raph, his arms curled under and into the crevasses of Raph's shell. Raph's arms were thrown over Leo's shoulder's and resting against his shell, holding their bodies closer. 

April smiled tearfully at the picture before looking back up at the turtles. She snapped one last picture of them before lowering the camera, stuffing it back into her bag. 

"April? Ya gonna wake them up?" Casey asked from the front, looking back at her. 

"Yeah, I am..." She said quietly. April couldn't deny the nervousness she was feeling for the boys, everything in her was screaming at her to tell Casey to turn the damned van around and take them back to the Farm House, back to that safety, where the wasn't the fear of rejection and defeat, but she fought back the urge as she knelt down in front of them and tried to ignore the terrible fear in her stomach, the lurking warning in the back of her mind.

"Guys," She reached out, shaking Mikey's arm. "Wake up..." Her voice cracked as her throat tightened. 

She didn't _want_  to do this...

She didn't _want_  to ruin all this...

"W-we're here," She shook Mikey a bit harder and he groaned, his baby blues fluttering open and meeting her tearful ones. 

"Ap?"

"We're here..."

His eyes widened as he sat up, knocking Donnie in the head and waking him up. "Dudes!" He leaned over, "whispering" loudly in Raph's ear. "We're here!" 

Raph reached over and smacked Mikey over the head, opening one eye with a slight glare. "I ain't deaf, genius, I heard 'er." He mumbled, sighing and looking down at Leo with a frown. He kissed his forehead gently. "Ey, baby, it's time." He whispered as he leaned up.

"I don't wanna..G-Go b-back...Anymore," Leo muttered, wrapping his arms around Raph's neck and hiding his face there. 

"Leo?" April asked worriedly, leaning down next to them. Leo just shook his head, tears streaming down his face and onto Raph's darker skin.  

"I-I ca-can't...I c-can't do this..."

"Baby," Raph shifted before gently making Leo looked at him, cupping his cheeks while softly wiping away the tears. "It's gonna be okay," Leo just shook his head again, covering his temples and scratching at them, biting his lip roughly to try and keep the sobs in.

"He's g-gonna disown me..." Leo muttered as he stared wide eyed at the floor boards, his body shaking as he sucked in quick, uneven breaths. "I...I-I c-c-can't..." He curled onto his side, ignoring the fact he was awkwardly lying on one of Raph's legs. A high pitched whining scream came from his throat as he struggled to breath, tears blurring his vision. 

"Leo!" 

"Pl-please don't m-make me g-go back..." He whispered/choked out, his body shivering as a pair of muscular arms wrapped around his, pulling him upward against Raph's plastron. He felt hands running softly across his arms and the back of his neck. 

"It's okay, just calm down. Ya've gotta breath,"

"I-I can't, I ca-can't."

"Leo!" Emerald eyes stared roughly into his before softening. "Just breath with me, okay? I ain't gonna let anythin' happen ta you," Raph leaned his forehead against Leo's, rubbing their beaks together comfortingly. He continued whispering comforting words to Leo, kissing the sides of his face softly as Leo's breathing slowly returned to even.

"It's okay, we'll be okay." 

"We're at New York...Aren't we?" Leo asked quietly, looking over at April, who nodded reluctantly. 

"We've gotta figure out how to sneak in."

"T-There's...There's the...The secret entrance, b-by the docks...That Shredder use to use...A few years ago, i-it might still be u-usable." Casey nodded as he started up the van again, pulling out of the hiding space and began driving towards the other side of the wall.

Donnie got up, grabbing the bags that had their gear and chucking them over near his brother. 

"We should gear up," He said as he pulled out his bo. The other three followed his lead, grabbing their weapons, throwing knives and gear. They worked in silence, trying to easy out of the anxious atmosphere that had filled the back of the van. 

"Guys, we're here." Casey looked back almost ten minutes later as he drove slowly through the, seemingly, empty docks. 

"Master Splinter said something about a warehouse, I think, when I talked to him..." Leo said quietly.

"There's a large section of those on the south east sides of Brooklyn," Donnie pulled out a map from his pouch, spreading it out and pointing at them. "It's on the outskirts on Foot territory, but there's a lot of abandoned warehouses in that area."

"It's worth a shot," Leo said with a slight nod towards Casey. 

"Well then, what're we waitin' for,"

* * *

 

It was a difficult task tracking down the correct warehouse, and took over four hours of mindless searching, but Mikey just happened to run into Karai and Shinigami while they were coming back from a patrol.

"K-Karai!" He looked down when he recognized the scaly skinned female. The two froze and Karai slowly turned around, her blade clutched tightly in her hand until she saw him, a small grinned like smirk covered her face as she relaxed her hold. 

"Michelangelo," He jumped down with a large grin. "It took you guys long enough to return," She teased gently before looking around. "Where are your brothers?"

"We split up, lookin' for y'all." He whipped out his phone and sent a group text telling them his location and that he'd found Karai. 

"Fat-Splinter will be happy to see you," She frowned as a stinging pang hit her heart. Mikey tilted his head at the reaction before jumping forward, wrapping his arms around her and squeezing her close to his body.

"Thanks for taking care of our father," He grinned and she felt better, because he wasn't saying it as his and his brothers father, but as all of their father, her included.  

"Senpai?" Mikey's head turned as he noticed the other female next to them, her long black hair throw over a shoulder as she played with the tip of her witch's hat. 

"Shini, this is Michelangelo, the youngest of the turtles,"

Mikey grabbed her hand and shook it with a grin. "Butcha can call me Mikey, or "The Mikester" or, as everyone knows me as, "The Cute One"," He placed his chin against the tops of his hands and blinked with wide eyes, puffing his cheeks up with a chuckle. 

"I like Mikey," Shinigami said with a giggle, sending a loose grin towards Karai, who smile lightly and blushed. 

**_With Leo and Raph Five Minutes Before_ **

"Ey, baby?" 

"Hm, what?" Leo looked over at Raph, biting down on his lip. 

"Ya okay?"

Leo froze, staring shocked at the wall in front of him. "Yeah I'm fin-"

"Don't gimme dat' crap," He heard Raph come up behind him and, hesitantly, turned around. "Somethin's been botherin' ya since we got inta New York, and it ain't just 'bout seein' Splinta again," Raph cupped his cheeks gently, rubbing the skin softly between his thumbs. "Please tell me,"

Leo looked up at him, his lip trembled as he leaned forward, resting his forehead against Raph's neck. "Raphie?"

"Yeah?"

"How...." He pulled back. "How long...H-Have you...Um..."

"Loved you?"

Leo smiled slightly before looking down. "Y-Yeah." 

Raph scrunched his nose up and smiled. "9, maybe 8. I starte' havin' these feelin's fer ya, just thought yer were so...Cute and...Well annoyin', but damn I just wante' ta...Hold ya, when we were younger...But then ya changed, when we were 10, and...I got really m-mad, 'bout ya changing so suddenly...And I just snapped, so much...And I didn't mean ta, eva...But ma feelin's neva changed, ya grew inta an amazing, brave leada, that I'm proud ta saw I'm parta a team with." Raph smiled at him, nuzzling his cheek gently. 

"Hehe," Leo smiled. "Raph..." He looked down, intertwining their fingers. "W-Why...Why d-do you...S-still love me? After all of this...Why do you still...How do you..." He pulled back, his lip trembling again as he stared up at him. "W-Why do you find...F-Find this," He motioned to himself. "A-Attractive, I-I mean...You keep saying I-I...I'm "perfect"," He wiggled his fingers. "B-But....I can find so...So many f-flaws..." He stared at the floor. "H-How can y-you _**love**_  someone wi-with so many...S-scars..." He whispered, rubbing the deep scars on his wrists gently with his thumb. "L-like...How can...." Leo stepped back, tears dripping from his eyes and he stared angrily at the sky, blinking as he tried to destroy the tears. "H-How can...You possibly...F-Find these a-attractive!" He shouted, turning away from Raph and covering his face, rubbing harshly at his eyes. " W-Why..." He collapsed to his knees, staring blankly ahead of him as he heard Raph kneel beside him. "How can you still...Love me after a-all this..."

Leo looked over and laughed, leaning forward as his eyes closed for a second. "I've put you guys through _hell_  for the past 7 months...Like..." He laughed harder, tears splashing against the concrete under his knees. He paused after a couple more seconds, the demented smile faded into a heartbroken frown as he sighed. "Y-You were...Right..." He let his head drop, tears blurred his vision. "A-About...What you said...In the kitchen a couple months ago..." He whispered, opening his mouth to continue, but caught Raph clenching his fist in the corner of his eye and looked over.

"I wasn't right, Fearless," He hissed, a glare twitching at his eyes. "I was pissed off, but I wasn't right! Nuthin' I said in that damned room was true!" Raph snapped, running his hands over his head, tugging at his mask tails before letting them go. 

Leo frowned deeply before turning his head away. " _I_  think it was true..." He whispered, the sentence barely leaving his mouth before Raph appeared in front of him, cupping his face between his hands with a serious expression on his face.

"Well ya shouldn', 'cause nuthin' I called ya that day was true, at all." He leaned forward, keeping their lips centimeters apart before speaking again. "And I still love _everything_  about youya because everythin' that ya've gone through, madecha tha guy I fell in love, over," He leaned forward, biting down lightly on Leo's lip and smirking. "And over," He pressed their lips together, rubbing his thumbs over Leo's closed eye lips softly and chuckling at the shiver before pulling back slightly. "And ova," He muttered before kissing him again, dropping his hands down to Leo's waist and tugging him closer. 

Leo hummed happily against his lips, wrapping his arms around Raph's neck. 

"Ya taste like tears,"

Leo laughed against the other's lips when they pulled apart, pressing their forehead's together. 

"And 'ey," Raph leaned over and kissed one of his cheeks gently. "I happen ta like yer scars," He ran his hands up Leo's waist and back down his arms, landing them on his wrists for a second before dragging them up and down again. He felt Leo frown and inhale. 

"Wh-"

"I think they're pretty _sexy_ " He hissed, chuckling at the small "manly" squeak he heard. 

"Wh-what?"

"Yeah, I think they're pretty hot, 'cause they're like...Yer story and like...Battle scars...They're sexy," He smirked down at Leo's flushed face, kissing his forehead lightly before capturing his lips again. 

Leo smiled as they pulled apart before shaking his head. "Th-they're no-"

"Yeah, baby, they are. I think they're all hot, just like I think yer like tha hottest thing I've eva seen,"

"I-I,"

"Shhhh," Raph kissed him again, biting down harshly onto his lip when Leo began protesting being interrupted. Leo moaned softly as the grip on his waist tightened, tugging him closer to the much warmer body in front of him. 

_ BEEP BEEP BEEP _

Raph groaned as he pulled back, keeping one arm wrapped around Leo and holding him against his plastron so he was currently straddling Raph's thigh, and using his other hand to fish out his T-Phone. 

"Fuckin' Mikey interuptin' at tha wrong times," He muttered as he glanced at the message. "'E found Karai and she's got some friend or somethin' with 'er, but 'e sent me tha location."

Leo pouted lightly, but didn't move as Raph put his phone away, raising an eye ridge at the older turtle. 

"I want another kiss, 'fore I move," Leo grinned at him before Raph pressed their lips together again swiftly before pulling back some, smirking at him and bounced the leg Leo was resting on. 

"Ya gettin' up?"

"Hehehe, yeeaaah." They stood up on unsteady legs, Leo leaning against him for a few seconds as he tried to get on balance. 

"Come on," Raph grabbed his hand and started pulling him along between the different warehouses. They didn't say anything for a couple of minutes while they walked hand in hand, but Raph broke the silence. "Leo, ya know, even with everythin' dat's happened, I still love you. Even with tha panic attacks and," He motioned to Leo's scarred wrists, a couple of them newer and still pink, but not overly bad. "Relapses, and nightmares." He stopped in front of Leo, grabbing both his hands and pulling Leo closer to him so only their hands were between their plastrons. "Findin' out 'bout yer past and..." He blinked away the misty eyes he was getting before continuing. "S-self-harmin'...That didn't change how I felt about-cha, I was just devastated, 'cause I thought, and still do, think tha world of ya, and it hurt...So much, knowing that you think so little of yerself ta do that..." He swallowed down the lump in his throat and squeezed Leo's hands. "A-and that, y-ya didn't...Think we'd care...If ya died..." He wrapped his arms around Leo's body, one wrapped around his neck and back of his head and the other gripping his thigh, pulling him flush against his body. He could feel Leo's body tremble against his as the leafy green arms wrapped around his neck again. "But none of this, eva, changed how I felt 'bout ya. I just d-didn't know...How to act...C-Cause I was terrified of hurtin' ya more a-and...I-I,"

"Raph," Leo pulled back, forcing the younger male to look at him. Tearful sapphire eyes stared into a mirrored emerald version and smiled. "I love you...S-So much," He smiled, tears dripping off his chin as he kissed Raph, licking the tears off the other's lips. 

"Mikey's waitin' fer us," Raph said with a small laugh. 

"Ha, yeah, I guess he is..." Raph intertwined their fingers against and they began walking once more, casting small, flushed glances at each other with loving, starstruck gazes. 

"Raphie..."

"Hm?"

"You're the best boyfriend ever," Leo whispered while they turned a corner, resting his head against Raph's shoulder and smiling up at the blushing dark green turtle. "I love you,"

"I love you too, babe," 

Leo giggled, biting down on his lip.

**_10 minutes later_ **

Mikey rushed over to them as they approached the small group who were now just waiting on Casey and April, who were in the party wagon. He threw his arms around his brothers neck and grinned.

"You two reek of hormones," He whispered before stepping back, bursting out laughing at the confused and flushed faces. 

"Shut it, Mike," Raph shoved his shoulder, side smirking at Leo. 

"Were you two makin' out?" Mikey asked quietly, grinning at them teasingly. 

"Actually, yeah, we were, until yer stupid text interrupted us!" Raph snapped with a glare, crossing his arms. 

Mikey placed a hand over his chest in a "offended" manner. "I'm just tryin' to help you guys keep your innocence, can't be doing tha nasty two months into a relationship, tsk tsk tsk," He waved his finger in a "lecturing" manner, smirking at the red faced Raph, who looked ready to kill him, and flushed Leo, who was just avoiding their eyes. 

"Mikey!"

"Hehehe," His smile disappeared as he glanced back at the group behind them before leaning forward. "Are you guys okay?" His baby blues flickered between them worriedly. 

Leo wiggled his hand, mumbling a "meh" before smiling lightly at his youngest brother. 

He jumped forward, wrapping his arms around Leo and nuzzled into his plastron for a second before pulling back, grinning at Raph as he put his hands up while leaning towards Leo.

"He doesn't like it when people touch what he thinks is his," Mikey "whispered", glancing over at Raph while he said it like he was telling a top secret secret. He "winked" at Raph as he pulled back, chuckling to himself as he watched the two visually relax some. 

"I love you guys," He wrapped his arms around their shoulders as he dragged them over to where Karai, Shinigami and Donnie were. 

"We love ya too, little brother." 

They watched as Casey and April pulled up, saying something about not being able to find them before they started the short journey to the warehouse. 

Karai and Shinigami informed them that, while most of the civilians had been taken by The Kraang, somehow The Purple Dragons had manged to not be in town when the original invasion had taken place, and had returned in the prior month.

* * *

 

"Hey, Leo?"

Leo glanced behind him at the redhead, who smiled gently. 

"Are you okay?" He nodded slowly with a sigh. 

"Yeah, just, nervous...Just want this all to just...End..." He muttered with a frown. Raph turned towards them, hearing the last past of his sentence and stepped next to him.

"Babe?" He asked worriedly, intertwining their fingers and squeezing them. 

Leo glanced between the two and, recognizing the panicked looks, sighed.

"N-Not like that..." He frowned deeper. "Well...I-I don't...Feel like trying anything or something," He glanced between the two again as he squeezed Raph's hand. "I meant the situation, with having to see Master Splinter again..." Leo whispered, glancing in front of them at the group, April had slowed down to talk to him, before quickly leaning over and pecking Raph gently before pulling back with a little grin. 

"Awe," April giggled into her hand, smiling brightly at the two.

' _Don't you dare mess this up for them, Splinter...'_ She thought.

 

(TMNTTMNT)

They got to the warehouse after about five minutes, Karai and Shini leading them through the metal rooms until they reached the end were a large, bright room was. Living room furniture spread out evenly around a TV in the middle of the room.

"I will go get Sensei," Karai said simply before walking off towards the closed off area that was covered in boxes and tarps, creating a privater room for the male rat. 

Mikey grabbed his brothers arms and drug them over to the couch, trying to keep a smile on his face as he gripped Leo's shaking wrist. Shinigami was talking to Casey and April about how she knew Karai, obviously avoiding some details according to the blush on her pale skin. 

"I-It'll be okay...Right?" Leo looked up at Raph, who was standing next to him with a nervous glare at the floor, Leo holding onto one hand with their fingers intertwined while the other was clenched. He could feel Raph's fingers twitching and he tightened his grip. 

"Yea, everythin's gonna be okay," Raph said quietly, trying to keep the shakiness out of his voice as he heard Karai and Splinter's voices approaching. Leo's grip on his hand tightened painfully.

"M-My sons," He sounded tearful, relieved and joyed.  

* * *

Splinter had missed his sons greatly over the past 7 months, worrying at first they had not managed to make it out of New York, that they were suffering somewhere...Or dead, his worrying only got worse when he was unable to contact them, but here they were, huddled together on the couch with Raphael more like standing guard in front of Leonardo, he was always protective of his siblings, only he had a different...Aura around him now. It was more mature, protected and...Soothing, in a way.

Master Splinter fought off a smile, but failed as his youngest ran up, nuzzling into his cloak with a grin. 

He rested a hand on Michelangelo's head, rubbing it gently as he looked back up at his other children. He was mildly taken aback by the...Expressions and postures of his remaining sons. 

Donatello kept glancing worriedly over to his older brothers, his body stood straight and uneasy. 

Raphael was practically glaring at him, his fists clenched as he stared at him. Emerald eyes wide as they, seemed, to be trying to see into his soul, to see how he was going to act. He was _warning_  him, _threatening_  non-verbally...If he messed this up, whatever _this_  was...He would make him pay for it, and his brothers wouldn't stop him.

It was unnerving, being on the bad side of that look, knowing that happens to those people who wrong his oldest middle child, exceptionally when it comes to hurting his siblings. That seems to be what this is about though.   

Leonardo wasn't facing him, still sitting down on the couch with his head down, fiddling with Raph's hand that he was still holding, his forehead resting against his forearm. Raph was resting his unoccupied clenched hand against the back of Leo's neck. Leo's body was visually tensed and shaking, tears making his cheeks damp and shined against the light.  

"My sons?" Master Splinter asked, his furry brows scrunched together at the tension with his sons. Mikey glanced up at him before looking over at his brothers. 

"Guys?" Mikey asked quietly, turning the attention towards him. 

"M-Master Splinter..." Leo flicked his eyes towards Raph, who nodded subtly towards him. "Um..." He sucked in a breath before sighing, standing up and staring nervously at Splinter. "I think we need to talk, n-now." Leo nodded as he walked by them, his mouth pulled into a tight line as Raph followed him by Master Splinter, who looked taken aback before nodding politely towards the others and going to his room with the oldest two.

(TMNTTMNT)

Leo and Raph sat down across from Master Splinter, the eldest shifting nervously as he rubbed his thighs, his eyes fluttering between the floor and Raph's hands. He just wanted to get this over with, the sooner the better.

"Leonardo, Raphael, there seems to be something bothering you, my children." Master Splinter said gently.

"Yeah, um...T-There's been a lot of...Um...Changes si-since we last...Saw you..." Leo muttered, dragging his nails across his skin as he listened to his increasing breathing.

"Changes?"

Leo nodded, his eyes were wider as he tried not to shudder. 

"Masta Splinta," Raph turned the attention towards him, sitting up straighter as his glaze stared coldly at the rat. "I'm in love with Leo," He said simply, hearing the sharp inhale from Leo and he glanced over at him before smiling subtly at him, grabbing one of his hands away from scratching against the skin on his thigh and squeezing it comfortingly.

"Excuse me?" Splinter's voice brought them out of the comfort. 

Raph tensed at the tone, clenching one of his fists and fought off glaring at him. 

"Pretty sure ya 'eard me,"

"Are these..." 

He flinched.

" _Feelings_  returned?" Splinter's red, beady eyes turned towards Leo, who shifted anxiously.

"Yeah...Yeah they are," Leo said, looking down with a small smile as he gripped Raph's hand tighter.

Splinter straightened up, brushing off the front of his cloak. "And you have told me why?"

Leo swallowed down a whimper as he looked up. "W-well...Wh-why wouldn't...We tell you?" He said barely above a whisper. 

Splinter stood up, crossing his hands behind his back. He exhaled deeply and shook his head at the answer.  "I will not accept this, nor will I condone it in my house," He said firmly.

_ W-what... _

_ N-No... _

_ I... _

Leo froze, his eyes going wide before closing slightly, hooding over. His lip trembled as he shook his head. "Yo-you can't d-do that!" He cried out, shoving himself upward and stumbling forward.

"I can!" Splinter snapped his cane against the floor, staring coldly down at his eldest as he ignored the violent flinch as Leo stumbled a couple of steps back, a dull, feared look crossed his sapphire eyes.  "And I shall."

"Bu-but..."

"I will not condone this...Activity to continue. It will end, now." 

"Ma-Master Splinter, plea-" Tears filled Leo's eyes as his body shook, the grip he had on his forearm tightened, his nails digging into the skin.

"No. End it," Splinter said, breathing out calmly as he tried to calm his nerves. 

 

_ "Told ya, they were all wrong. Yer to disgusting...And even "father" thinks so. No wonder he likes Karai better.' _

"Y-You fuckin' bastard!" Raph snapped up, glaring hatefully at Splinter, who opened his mouth to reprimand his language. "Don't! Don't ya fuckin' dare," He shoved his finger in Splinter direction, his body shaking from rage as his vision shifted into a faint pinker color. 

Leo stared down at the floor, tears blurring his vision as his body shook. His heart clenching painfully underneath his plastron while his lip trembled. Leo looked around at the walls as his feet stumbled backwards, knocking against boxes as he panicked, his body moving on it's own. 

"I fuckin' promised him, thatcha wouldn' be such a dumbass! 'Cause I fuckin' truste' ya!" Raph looked like he wanted to say more, but the increasing high pitched whimpers coming from Leo took his main attention. He turned, glaring one last time at Splinter before he turned towards Leo. 

"Leo," He stepped forward, grabbing his wrists and holding them close to his chest. 

"I-I'm sor-sorry, I-I ca'..." Leo stuttered out as he stepped back tears dripping off his chin as he turned and bolted from the room. 

"Leo, shit." Raph looked back and glared at Splinter, who looked taken aback at the reactions. "I ain't breakin' up with 'im, eva. And ya can't make me!" He snapped before chasing after Leo, rushing past his shell shocked brothers, who quickly rushed out after Raph, motioning for Casey and April to stay behind. 

"Raph, what's going on?!" They rushed to catch up with Raph, who was barely paying attention as he tried to focus on where Leo was going, cursing the eldest for being faster. 

"Sp-Splinter's being a dumbass!" He snapped, his lungs hurt as the cold air whipped into him. 

"Leo!" 

* * *

_ Oh god...Oh God...Oh God...T-This c-can't be happening... _

 

Tears streamed down his face, blurring his vision as he jumped onto another roof, rushing onto the end before accidentally tripping at the end, his foot getting stuck before he fell. His toe rammed into the concrete, causing him to wince before he stumbled forward off the roof. His forehead slammed against the metal balcony before he landed roughly on the ground. Blood dripped off his forehead as he sat up, clutching the wound as he leaned against the wall. 

"Leo," He heard three pairs of feet land on the ground before a pair of arms wrapped around his shoulders. "Oh my god, are you okay!?" Raph gently lifted his chin, wiping away the tears and blood.

"D-dizzy..." Leo leaned forward, resting his head against Raph's plastron. 

"Let Don look at tha wound, babe," He looked up, his eyes were dull and tired, but he smiled lightly at the nickname as Don knelt next to him. 

"H-he hates me..." Leo whispered after almost 30 seconds, staring blankly in front of him. 

"No, he doesn't, h-he's just..."

Leo sighed as he looked down, tears dripped down his cheeks. 

"I ain't endin' this, Fearless," Raph said sternly, leaning forward and holding Leo's hands. "And he can't make me." 

"Bu-"

"No, I ain't doin' it," 

"H-He wants you guys t-to break up?" Mikey asked quietly.

"Yeah..."

"But I ain't goin' ta," 

A loud clapping of hands caught their attention coming from the entrance of the ally way.

"Well, well, well. Ya turtles came ta tha wrong neighborhood for a round of "brotherly affection"." The sound of wood smacking against a palm made them look up. Almost fifteen men stood there, Hun in the front as he pulled out a gun. 

"Oh come on, how many times we gotta bust yer heads fer ya ta realize ya can't beat us!" Raph stood up along with Don and Mikey, all of them taking out their weapons as Leo stepped in front of them, unsheathing his swords and glaring at the men. 

"It is time this ends," Hun said simply before five of the men shot forward, holding their weapons above their heads as they charged at the turtles, who were faster and more trained.

It wasn't exactly a difficult group at first, but the rest charged in, separating the brothers from the smaller huddle they'd formed. 

"Leo, what'd we do!?"  

"We can't beat 'em all, we ain't prepared." 

And though Leo didn't want to admit it, he knew his brothers were right. All of them were exhausted from the trip back and not in the slightest prepared to be fighting yet. 

His thoughts were cut short as he blocked a baseball bat with his katana's, glaring at the men in front of him and flipped his body upward, shoving the man back with his heel and throwing the baseball bat at another. The hiss of a blade being unsheathed caught his attention and he spun around, raising his katana to strike down the adversary...

But froze...

And his eyes widened as all oxygen disappeared from his lungs as he choked on nothingness. 

The man in front of him smirked, realization shined in his eyes as he flung the greasy black hair out of his eyesight. "Tsk, tsk, tsk, neva thought you'd have been comin' 'round here after _last time,_ " 

Leo's eyes fluttered around the ally, a feeling of dread and horror filling his stomach as he took in the familiar surroundings.

Why had he come back  _here_ of all places?! Right...Back...Here...

"I-it's you..." Leo whispered, his voice shuddering as he turned back to the man that had haunted his nightmares for the past 6 years. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^_^ Please tell me whatcha guys think! :)))) I'll really appreciate it, I haven't been having the best week and seeing you guys'es feedback is always heartwarming. :)


	14. May Sprain My Bones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!!! This is an EXTREMELY VIOLENT GRAPHIC CHAPTER, if that make you uneasy or you just don't like it, the beginning of this chapter probably won't be for you. I'll put a not in Bold when the scene ends if you want to skip it, but somethings might be confusing if so.

**** Raphael rolled his eyes, waiting for Leo to respond as he ripped his sai out of a Purple Dragon’s arm. He glanced behind him, checking quickly on Don and Mikey before looking over at Leo. Worry flooded him at the panic-stricken look on the leafy green skin. Ignoring the approaching Purple Dragons that he kicked away easily, making brief eye contact with Don before jumping up and landing between Leo and the man he was staring petrified at, pointing his sai dangerously at the man.

“Leo?”

Raph could hear the slow, unsteady breathing coming from behind him while he focused on the black haired goon. The man chuckled at the vacant expression on Leo’s face, smiling widely.

“It’s...I...R-Raph,” Leo’s breath caught in his throat, choking on the words before they could escape. 

Something shifted in the man’s eyes as his attention slowly shifted to Raph, raising a thin eyebrow.

“So yer ‘im, ‘e talke’ ‘bout-cha a lot,” The man rolled his tongue on the L, his eyes widening more if possible at the whimper he heard from Leo, grinning sickeningly as he showed off the nearly brownish black teeth.

“Yer insane,” Raph snapped, stepping back and resting a hand against Leo’s forearm. 

“Tsk, tsk, tsk dat’s a rude thing ta call someone, ya know?” 

Leo was still frozen behind Raph, his body was shivering while he took notice in the change in the man’s voice. 

“I don’t really care,” Raph sneered at him, a twisting, nerve wracking feeling in his gut. 

"N-No..." Leo's eyes went wide as the situation seemed to dawn on him, his feet stumbling against the concrete as he sucked in a couple quickly, wild breathes. 

"Leo?!" 

The swish of wood swinging through the air before everything went black for him as his head smacked against the concrete.

* * *

Raph could hear the  _ thud _ as Leo hit the ground, his body moved by itself, jumping down and grabbing the side of his head. Blood clotted over his hand when he pulled it back, staring horridly down at the liquid.

"Don! It ain't stoppin'"

"Raph, cover me!"

Raph jumped up, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling he was getting from the greasy haired male who was now fighting Mikey. He tightened his grip on his sai's as he blocked a hit aimed for Donnie, who was now nursing the large, bleeding wound on Leo's forehead. 

His eyes kept drifting over to the man though, something about his...Everything just...Pushed Raph the wrong way. 

Raph clenched his fist when one of his sai's was knocked out of his hand, clattering to the ground at the end of the alleyway. Growling and baring his teeth at the random goon in front of him before swinging his fist forward, a feeling of satisfaction filling him as he felt the bone bend and crack underneath his knuckles. Raph quickly spun around and roundhouse kicked the man into a wall, his limp body falling onto the ground. 

A thud against the wall next to his made him look over as Mikey stood up on shaking legs, holding his bleeding lip. The snap of a gun loading while Hun aimed it at the youngest turtle, and a loud, echoing  _ bang _ went off just as Raph knocked Mikey to the side. The bullet bounced off the wall and smacked into the ground. 

Raph jumped forward, implanting a throwing star in the side of Hun's gun, knocking it out of his hand before sending a high chested kick in the man's direction. 

"Don, how is he!?" Raph shouted, blocking a bat with his forearm and headbutting a large, tattooed man. 

"Bleeding, but he'l-" Donnie spun his Bo around, in-bedding the blade it into an approaching enemy's kneecap. He ripped it out and flung the man to the side before turning back to his brother. "He'll be okay!" Donnie jumped up as three men surrounded them, flipping into the air and kicking two of them in the face as he spun his Bo and knocked the last one out.

There wasn't that many left, Mikey was taunting Hun with a large grin while Raph was in a fist fight with the other man. 

"Ya know, dude, I don't know who tha fuck ya ar-"

"'E ain't toldcha?" The man taunted again, dodging Raph's fists and ramming his baseball bat into his stomach. 

"Told...Me wha-"

"I feel sorta insulted, he talked 'bout-chu a lot when we  _ met _ a couple years ago."

Raph pulled back, his eyes twitching while his glare deepened. "Y-yer...Yer him? That guy...From six years ago?"

The man, Keith, as Leo had told him a couple months ago, grinned wider and opened his arms in a taunting manner. "Tha one and only,"

"You..." Everything thing in his body was edging him on, to attack the man, to  _ kill _ him... "Yer a fuckin'," Raph bounced, kicking the bat to the side in the blink of an eye, slamming the man into the wall with his forearm, their faces inches apart as Raph tried to control the impending rage inside of him. "Dumbass, ya know that?"

"Am I?" Keith leaned forward, chuckling darkly. "'Cause it was so... _ Totally _ worth it," He hissed. "Bein' inside 'im, ya know? It was pathetic, really, how  _ no one  _ cared...'Cause god, 'e sounded like a needy li'l whore with all 'is screamin'," 

Sensei always taught them about honor, all lives were suppose to be important, cherished. Hell, the first rule of being a ninja was...To do no harm...But any lesson Splinter had ever taught him disappeared, along with every ounce of self-control he would like to say he had gained over the past year. 

Tensing his arm and slamming it forward, a loud, sickening  _ crack _ was like music to his ear as the blood rushed down his knuckles, whether it was his or this bastard's, it didn't matter. Raph moved his arm to the left and roughly elbowed Keith in the jaw, his hold on the man's neck never faltering as he listening halfheartedly to the fight between Hun and Mikey move away into the roads closer to were Don and Leo were. 

He pushed Keith farther up the wall with his arm, glaring daggers at the bloodied, grinning face. The crooked, damaged and rotten teeth staring back at him. 

"I swear, I ain't eva met a fucker as sick," He plowed his fist into Keith's stomach, moving his head to the side as blood splattered onto the ground. "As you," He lifted Keith up and threw him to the other side of the alleyway, quickly stalking over to him before he could get up and rammed his foot into Keith's rib cage, insuring himself mentally that he'd broken a couple ribs with that. 

"Ye...Yer just jealous," Keith spat out, glaring weakly up at him as he struggled to stand, sending a weak thrown punch at Raph, who caught it quickly. "That I got ta  **_fuck_ ** him first!"

"You fuckin' sicko!" Raph smashed their foreheads together, knocking the other man's head into the concrete wall, but pulled him back up again, throwing him to the side quickly. 

Keith crashed into a garbage can, falling in a weird angle before rolling onto his side. 

"He was a fuckin' kid!" A three toed foot kicked him in the face, irritating his already throbbing nose. Blood gushed from his face as he was lifted up by his chin, coming face to face with a nearly red faced turtle. 

* * *

Blood was pumping through his veins, his vision was blurring in and out of focus as he ended up in different spots than he was before, more and more wounds he didn't remember putting on Keith appearing. But he didn't care whose blood was staining his hands while he punched the man in the throat, smirking darkly at the gargling choking sound.

Keith tried to hit him again, seemingly putting all his strength into the hit, but Raph caught it easily, twisting behind him with Keith's arm still held tightly between his fingers as he shoved him to the ground, pressing the wrist into Keith's back. 

"Ya made a...Really... _ Really _ big mistake, dumbass," He leaned closer to the man, breathing heavily into his ear. "'Cause there ain't nuthin' in this muthafuckin' city," He growled, tightening his grip on Keith's wrist, causing the man to whimper. "Scarier. Than. Us." Simultaneously he dug his teeth into Keith's ear, ripping the skin open as he snapped the wrist he was holding before flinging his head up, ripping Keith's ear completely off. Blood splattered against his face and the ground as he spit the small, human colored flesh off to the side before standing up, gripping Keith by his now broken wrist and hauling him up, twisting the limb as a blood curling scream from Keith  ripped across the alleyway, but he ignored it.

"P-Plea-"

Raph tightened his grip, if it was possible, and twisted it upward as he stepped forward, breathing hot and heavy breathes towards the man.

""Pl-please,"" He mocked, a "scared" look crossed his face before disappearing as he glared again. "What? Ya can't fuckin' take it?!" He twisted his body around so his shell was facing Keith, blood staining his hand as he twisted Keith's wrist over his shoulder hard enough for the bone to rip open the skin and pop out at an unnatural angle. 

Keith fell to his knees, glaring tearfully at Raph, who ignored him as he hauled him back up and threw him over his shoulder and into the wall again, denting the metal. Raph quickly grabbed him by the collar of his bloodstained shirt and forced him to look at him. 

"I ain't lettin' ya leave here in anythin', but a fuckin' body bag."

"Y-Yer go-gonna kill me? What ab-about your h-honor a-"

Raph leaned closer. "Fuck. Ma. Honor," He spat before shoving him away and punching Keith in the stomach again, pushing his fist upward and cracking the lower ribs on his right side. Keith cried out, short, whimpered begs and pleads at his life, which Raphael ignored. 

"And I ain't gonna kill ya," Raph let him fall to the ground before squatting down in front of him, pulling out a flay knife he had pocketed at the Farm House, and waving it in front of him, tauntingly running the sharp tip across Keith's mouth, before smirking, his eyes turning white. "I'm just gonna hurt-cha, really...Really bad," He laughed at the reference as he shoved the knife into the right corner of Keith's mouth, forcing it open with his other hand and licked his lips. "Ya gonna talk  _ so badly and  _ **_proudly_ ** _ 'bout what-cha did ta Leo, _ ya might as well a have  smile ta so with it, makes tha story more...Believable," Raph fake smiled at him before ripping the blade to the side, mentally cheering at how smoothly the blade went across, as he chuckled at the gargled scream, the body beneath him arching up. "Stupid," He muttered, wiping away some of the blood with his thumb and smearing it across Keith's eyelids, stopping on the left one and pressing down. 

"N-no, please,"

"Shut tha fuck up!" He shoved his thumb into the socket before removing it quickly, only to replace it with the knife, blood squirting up from the pierced socket as he twisted the blade and ripping it down and out, a large hole was on Keith's now flat eyelid, a small cut running down into his lashes from where the blade was taken from.

Raphael lifted up the blade, a bloodied and damaged eyeball at the end. "Look at it..." He hissed, shoving it in front of Keith, who spit at him with a reappeared smirk. 

"Y-Ya," He coughed. "Think...'Urting me, is gonna m-make that  _ little whore _ a virgin again? Wh-what's it gonna do?" Keith laughed, blood dripping down his lower cheek from the cut and down his chin as he looked up. "Is it gon-gonna make it so y-you can fuck 'im!?" He asked "excitedly", grinning wildly at the flames he could see dancing against Raph's eyes before his head was slammed against the wall again, a hand wrapped around his neck. "Ya'll love it,  _ honestly _ ...'E a per'ct li'l slut," Keith gargled out. "He'll be beggin' y-ya for it," 

"Gimme one damned reason why I shouldn't kill ya!?" Raphael tightened his grip on the man's collapsing throat. 

"N-Nuthin'...Th-then he can be...Yer li'l  _ whore _ ,"

And then...

Raph let go, stepping back as he turned and paced, knowing Keith wasn't in any condition to move as he fiddled with the blade, staring at the bloody eyeball. His fists were trembling, hell his whole body was trembling.

"'Sides, it's all 'e's good fer," Keith gargled out almost a minute later.

Raph spun around, kicking the man across the man before straddling him, grabbing his bloody chin roughly and forcing his to look up at him, growling. 

"I ain't gonna try n tell ya how wrong ya are, 'cause I really don't fuckin' care what-chu you of  _ my baby boy _ , but I swear ta fuckin' god if ya call 'im a whore again, not even he's gonna be able ta save ya," Raphael growled out, pressing the tip of the blade that was poking out against Keith's under chin. 

"Why? Yer gonna sleep with 'im once, and dat's all 'e's gonna be ta ya too, 'cause it's all he's fucki' good fer, suckin' dick like a good..." He smirked, despite his wounds, not believing Raph's threat to its full extent. "Li'l...Whore,"

Raphael smirked, leaning in closer.

“Ya know, they’re right sometimes, most of tha time, I am a  _ monster,  _ and not just fer my appearance,”

He trailed the blade upward until it was resting against Keith's lip and tugging his bottom jaw open forcefully. He shoved the blade inside, slamming Keith's mouth shut and sliding it back out, leaving the eyeball inside the man's mouth, who looked sick as he tried to spit it out, but Raph held his hand tightly against Keith's chin, smirking at the struggling man.

"Eat it," Raph said calmly, raising an eye ridge at the resistance. Raph twirled the blade expertly between his fingers before holding it between them and slamming it down onto the man's genitals before ripping it towards him. Keith tried to open his mouth to scream, but Raph just shoved his head back, the eye rolling down his throat and choking him until he accidentally swallowed it. 

Raph jumped up quickly, watching with a straight face as the man doubled over, gagging and vomiting, blood dripping rapidly onto the ground. 

"Ya swallow like a whore, ya know that!" Raph stated as he leaned down again, forcing the man to look up at him again. He scrunched his face up in disgust. "Yer disgustin', and dat's comin' from me...A turtle," He punched him in the side of the face,  the bone cracking under the force. "Ya wanna call 'im a whore again," He grabbed Keith's hair and hauled the nearly limp man up again. "Come on, I fuckin' dare ya, say it again," He pulled at the hair. "Fuckin' say it," He shouted, headbutted the man again before letting go of his hair and grabbing his broken wrist, picking at the loose, open skin with a enraged glare. He lifted the blade up the opening and shoved it in, ignoring the pained shout as he ripped it across the arm, blood bubbling up under the now removed skin. He grabbed the ending piece and dragged it across his skin, snipping at the places that almost ended until he made it up to Keith's shoulder and ripped the skin off brutally.

Keith was sobbing, high pitched sobbed cries escaping him as Raph repeating the process, a bit more...Vulgarly, on the other arm. 

Raph smirked down at the man, holding two, long strips of flesh in his hands. He lazily wrapped them around Keith's neck like a scarf before taking the blood soaked blade, dragging it down Keith's chest until he reached his stomach and held it there, denting the skin as he looked up.

"Ya want me ta kill you?" He asked "politely" to the bleeding out man in front of him.

Keith's eye was glassy and unfocused as he stared at the ground with it.

"I told ya, that we're tha scariest thing in this city," He tapped Keith's chin. "And now ya see," He chuckled. "Why," Raph plunged the blade into Keith's stomach in one last act of rage. Keith flinched, gargling up blood which spilled down his chin as he stuttered out his lasts breathes. 

* * *

**End of Graphic Violence Scene**

Raph's body was shaking, blood pumping rapidly through his veins as he stared down at the disfigured body of the man that had haunted Leo's dreams for the past six years.

"R-Raph?" A shaky voice from the entrance of the alleyway diverted his attention from Keith, slowly turning as he continued staring blankly at his bloodstained hands while he struggled to breath. 

He flinched when a hand touched his arm, causing him to look up at a pair of wide sapphire eyes. 

"Oh...O-Oh my g-god," Donnie quickly turned, holding a hand over his mouth as he stopped Mikey from seeing the body. 

Leo grabbed his hands nervously, trying to ignore the warm liquid as he tugged him closer, wrapping his arms around Raph's neck and nuzzled the skin.

"I-It's okay...Just..." Leo's eyes drifted over to Keith's lifeless corpse, swallowing down a shudder before looking up at Raph, quickly leaning forward and capturing his lips, pressing against them hard before pulling back and licking his lips, ignoring the copper tang on his tongue.

"Let's...I g-guess go...Back," Leo gripped his hand and pulled him out of the alleyway, a confused Mikey and Donnie followed closely. 

No one said anything for a few minutes as they ran across the rooftops, a clear trail following them made of bloody footprints.

"R-Raph...Who was th-..."

"I-It was him...K-Keith," Leo said quietly, his grip on Raph's hand tightening. 

Mikey looked over, giving him a half hug. 

"Well...I mean, a-at least he deserved it..." Mikey whispered, casting a worried glance at his blood cover older brother, who was staring blankly ahead. 

"Yeah, he did..." Leo looked up at Raph, nuzzling his chin with his nose, causing Raph to look down at him slowly and catch the hooded gaze. "I love you," He whispered, not wanting to give away the worry him was feeling at the seemingly thoughtless actions.

Raph stopped, tugging on Leo's arm when he kept walking, causing Leo to turn back and look at him. Raph tugged him closer and wrapped his arms around his body, leaning down and hiding in his neck. "I love you too, babe," He felt Leo smile against his arm before he pulled back, glancing guiltily at the blood that was now on Leo's plastron and shell. "Sorry," Leo shrugged, peaking him quickly before tugging on his hand.

"I think you need a shower," He teased as they quickly caught back up with Don and Mikey. 

* * *

"Leo? What're you guys gonna...Tell Splinter?" Mikey asked as they got closer to the warehouse, the situation that had caused them to run out in the first place coming back full force.

Leo opened his mouth to respond, but Raph cut him off. 

"I'mma tell 'im he can suck my damn dick if he's gonna act like one," He muttered, ignoring the shocked looks from his brothers as he nodded. 

"Raph! You can't say that,"

"I just did, 'e ain't been here fer us, fer you, this whole time. He doesn't get ta just  _ "show up" _ and take over again, we were doin' fine without 'im, and he's gonna try and ruin everythin' we've done, I'mma leave, and I'm takin' you with me." Raphael said, crossing his arms as he spun around to face Leo, the blood was dried and smeared across his face, matching with the serious look, it was a frightening sight. He frowned before looking down, watching as Leo stepped up to him.

"I hope it doesn't come to that though," He muttered, resting their foreheads together.

"So...If Master Splinter doesn't like...Except this, you're gonna run away?" Don asked, a surprised, but not judgmental, look on his face. Raph shrugged/nodded and Mikey jumped up.

"I wanna go with you!" He squealed out happily, rushing over to them and wrapping his arms around both of them and holding out his hand for Donnie to join the forced group hug, which he quickly did.

"You guys won't be in this alone, and April and Casey feel the same way." Don said as they pulled back, Leo continued leaning against Raph, picking aimlessly at the dried blood that was indented in the cracks on Raph's plastron. 

"We should probably get this ova with,"

"Yeah, you've still gotta explain why you look like you're impersonating Carrie," Leo said as he stepped back, grinning mildly at the small glare.

"Shud' up," 

* * *

Mikey's the one who got up the nerve to open the door, the tense atmosphere could be felt from outside and none of them really wanted to deal with it.

It felt like they weren't breathing as they approached the living room, loud voices and a pissed off April could be heard from the inside as they walked into the room, causing them to look up at the turtles.

April's eyes went wide at the blood before rushing forward, jumping over the couch and stopping in front of them.

"Oh my god, what happened? Are you guys okay? Are you hurt? Ar-"

"We're fine, April," Raph said, running his eyes over the room as Casey came up behind April, staring worriedly at him. 

"He told us, sorta, what happened," He mouthed to him, sending a small jerk of the head in Splinter's direction, who was standing in the middle of the living room, looking surprised, shocked and embarrassed by the apparent lecture he got from April. Raph nodded simply before turning his attention back to the small conversation. 

Karai and Shini weren't there, so he figured they went on another patrol. 

"What happened?" 

"The Purple Dragons," He interrupted, tightening his grip on Leo's hand as he glanced over, Leo shrugged. 

"All of...This from The Purple Dragons?" April sounded skeptical, placing a hand on her hip and raised an eyebrow. 

"Doughebag was with 'em," Raph snapped, clearly missing the increased confusion.

"K-Keith was with them," Leo muttered, squirming under the pitiful, scared gaze as she glanced between the two. "H-He's dead...O-Obviously," He grinned nervously as he looked up at Raph. 

"Why's there so much...Blood though?" Casey asked, leaning over April's shoulder.

"Well...He um..." Raph bit his lip. "He put a fight?"

"Was he putting up a fight when you gouged out his eye?" Leo asked, trying to sound lecturing and upset, but the corners of his mouth kept twitching.

Casey and April's eyes went wide, averting their attention to Raph, who grinned sheepishly. 

"Nah, he was sorta out of it by then." Raph looked around, his eyes meeting Splinter's, who was staring at him blankly, and he swallowed nervously before straightening up. "Ya gonna say anythin'?" He snapped, clenching his empty fist. 

April spun around, almost like she just remembered he was there, and popped her hip out and placed her hands on them. "Yeah, ya tell them? Now," She said, a defensive glare on her face as he sighed. 

"Ms O'Neil has...Enlightened me on the," He looked like he was questioning what to say, so she stepped in. 

"Perks," 

"Perks of your relationship and the events that have lead up to it." He placed his hands behind his back and stared sadly at them. "I wish to apologize for my immediate reaction, and I...I hope you can find it in yourselves to forgive me one day, but you will always have a home wherever  I am, no matter who you love." He said, appearing to be fighting back tears as he stared at his sons.

"S-so...You're...Ok-okay with..."

"I am, I believed it was a spur of the moment thing, and was concerned,"

"Of the out comes with everythin's that's happened?" 

Splinter nodded after Raph finished his sentence. 

Leo let go of Raph's hand and bolted forward, wrapped his arms around Splinter and hiding inside his cloak, his body was shaking as he tried to fight off tears. Seconds later he felt Raph join the hug, Splinter's arms and tail wrapped protectively around the two.

After a couple of minutes they pulled back, Splinter gazed happily down at them before straightening back up. 

"I believe you boys need showers, exceptionally you, Raphael," He looked pointedly at Raph, who grinned. 

"Okay," 

 

**_Couple hours later in the Mikey and Don's shared room with all six_ **

"So, just like, not that I'm not happy we didn't have to run away,"

"What?!" Casey and April said simultaneously, but Mikey chose to ignore them. 

"But what'd you say to Master Splinter when we were gone, Ap?"

"She slapped him!" Casey said quickly, nodding with a small grin at the glare she sent him. "What?"

"You slapped Sensei?" Leo asked, looking over at them from where he was lying in Raph's lap between his legs. 

"Well, after you guys left he came out and, I mean obviously, we asked what happened and he sort of told us and I flipped out on him. I told him how like far everything had come since you first woke up and that if he didn't apologize and stuff he was going to lose you guys, but I'd slapped him first...He didn't do anything though, he just looked shocked."

"That's 'cause ya slapped 'im!" Raph said with a "duh" look on his face. 

"Thanks, April." Leo said quietly as he continued playing with Raph's hand, making it into the shape of a gun and muttering "Pew pew pew," at the wall.

"No problem guys," 

 

**_Three hours later in Raph and Leo’s room_ **

Leo stared up at the ceiling, a small frown on his face as he listen to Raph’s evened out breathing. Everyone else had fallen asleep in the living room after they went back out there when Karai and Shini got back. 

He couldn’t sleep though, too many questions about what had happened during the time he was out. What had  _ caused  _ Raph to lose it so badly, but he didn’t feel like waking the boy up. So he just listened to the soft breathing and stared at the hole in the ceiling. 

He didn’t know how long he was awake, his eyes were heavy and wide.

“Leo?”

He flinched, turning his head and looked over at Raph, who was now staring worriedly at him.

“Hm, I-I thought you were sleeping,”

“And I thought ya were sleepin’,” Raph said, leaning up on his elbow. 

“I-I…” Leo sighed, deciding against lying to him before turning towards him, curling up against the pillow as he stared up at him. “Just, can’t sleep...W-with everything that happened today…”

Raph sighed, looking down. “Sorry,”

“For what?”   
“Well, killin’ him…”

“It’s okay, rea-really,”

Raph shook his head, turning over and lying on his shell. “I...I wanted ta kill ‘im…” He whispered. “But like...I-I...I wasn’t goin’ ta, but...He kept...Sayin’ stuff and...I just lost it...I can’t even...Remember what was happening most of the time... I-I just wanted...Him to suffer, I guess…”  

Leo leaned over, hovering over Raph as he kissed him, running one of his hands over Raph’s plastron gently, rubbing the crevasues and skin. 

“It’s okay, I’m not mad at you,” He said softly when he pulled back, keeping their faces inches apart. “If anything,” He casted his eyes downward. “You should be mad at me, I mean...I’m the one who wasn’t paying attention and got knocked out.”

“Shud’ up, that wasn’t yer fault,” Raph sat up, forcing Leo to back up, before grabbing his waist and pulling him closer. Leo smiled as he nuzzled his beak affectionately.

“I’m so glad April talked to Master Splinter after we left,” He said after a few seconds. 

“Same,”

“And I’m more glad,” He forced Raph to look up at him. “That you didn’t tell him to suck your dick, ‘cause that wouldn’t have ended well,” Leo said, chuckling at the eye roll he got. 

“I’m still tempted ta tell ‘im that, he’d deserve it.”

Leo laughed, wrapping his arms around Raph and hiding in his neck. 

“ _ Yeah,  _ but that’s my job,” He muttered before he started chuckling again, his shoulder shaking as he laughed. 

“W-Wh..W-wait, what?”  

“What?” Leo leaned back, smiling happily as he tried not to keep giggling.

“Dude, are you drunk or somethin’?” 

“I’m just...Tired,” Leo said, leaning forward again and nuzzling against him. 

“Yer weird when yer tired, ya know?” Leo nodded. 

“I love you,” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Raph pulled himself back, lying down and pulling Leo down on top of him. “I love you too, now go ta sleep, Fearless,” He kissed Leo’s forehead softly.

* * *

_ Leo stared into the face of the man in his nightmares, his grip on the precious blade tightening as he spun it around. The rest of the fight seemed to fade around him as his heart stopped. This was the last battle. This was the one where only one of them came out alive. His eyes went white as he jumped above the man, striking down onto the two blades from Shredder's arm cuff. _

_ He was throw back, smacking into the wall next to Mikey, who grinned at him before smashing a soldier's head with his kumchuck. _

_ They threw planned slashes at each other, dodging the other's attempts at ending the battle. Leo was breathing heavily as he struck off one of Shredder's blades, jumping to the side as the older man grassed his neck, he could feel the blood dripping down the flesh underneath his shell. That was way too close. He unsheathed his second katana, spinning them around until his hands were comfortable with the added weight. He raised the blade towards Shredder and sighed. He felt his energy drain throughout the fight, he could barely manage a hit on the other. He was fast, faster than the turtle. And then, in the split of a second, a stabbing pain shot through his plastron and into his stomach. He could feel the blood hit the floor, he could feel the added pressure on his wrist as he gripped his blade with both hands, shoving it through Shredder's neck. He could feel the vibrations when the metal helmet clattered against the floor with the man's decapitated head still in it. He felt his knees collapse as he hit the floor, his blade forgotten as he held his hands over his stomach as if it would stop the blood pouring from his body. He could barely see Shredder's henchmen rushing out as a retreat. He felt himself being laid back against something warm, he could see his brothers surround him now. He couldn't hear them well, why couldn't he hear them? Why were his hands wet. He lifted them, his eyes widening at the amount of blood that dripped off of them. _

_ "Leo! Stay awake, you're not dying right now! W-We did it, we defeated Shredder. We can go home, just stay with us!" He could hear Mikey crying again, there was more pressure against his stomach. He could tell Donnie was trying to stop the bleeding but...He was tired. He smiled lightly before reaching a hand over to Mikey. _

_ "It'll..It'll be okay," He whispered, feeling his eyes becoming heavy. "You guys'll be okay...Without me...Jus-" He began coughing, the thick copper substance filling his mouth with the taste. He wheezed in breaths as everything continued to get blurrier. "Just take care of ea' other," He muttered out once he could speak again. He looked above him, Raph's tear stained face looking down on him. He smiled lightly before cupping his cheek. He nuzzled into the larger turtle, trying not to pass out. "Take care of 'em, Raphie." _

_ "Quit talkin' like that, yer not dyin'." He smiled sadly up at the face of the boy he had finally had the courage to admit he loved, only to be taken away so quickly... _

_ "Raphie," _

_ "Shut up! Yer not dyin', Fearless." He felt the tears hit his cheeks as Raph clenched his fists. _

_ "Raphie, I'm tired...Please," He felt the pressure on his stomach disappear, he could see Raph glare down at Donnie who appeared on the other side of him. He smiled at his younger brother, letting his hand fall from Raph and grip the boy's hand. "Thank you for taking care of me, Don." He whispered again as his eyes fluttered.  _

_ He heard his brothers arguing, the wound was too deep, He looked up again. He smiled up at them, Mikey returning a tearful smile as he struggled not to sob. Leo felt his eyes fill with tears, the warm wetness spilling over his cheeks when he realized...He was dying.  _

_ "Mikey...Though...They'd never admit it...You keep 'em happy, don't lose that." He saw Mikey nod, smiling at him as he whipped away his tears only for them to return. He slowly turned his head to Donnie. "Don't give up on April, she loves you. She's told me." He smiled lightly at the blush that crossed his young brothers face. He licked his lips before looking up at Raph, who was attempting to glare at him but all he did was look like a kicked puppy. "Raphie..." _

_ "Ya ain't dyin', Fearless. Ya can't die on me!" _

_ "Raphie..." He felt his eyes start closing as his body stopped working. He couldn't move his arms or legs, he couldn't feel them. He sucked in what seemingly was his last breath, forcing his eyes open. "I love you..." He whispered as his once bright blue eyes closed. His hand hit the ground as he released the air in his lungs.  _

_ "Leo..." Mikey whimpered as he sobbed. _

_ "Leo," Donnie's shoulders sagged as he gripped Mikey's hand, tears streamed down his face. _

_ "LEO!" Raph screamed, cupping the bruised and bloody face in his green hands, kissing the blood covered chapped lips harshly, screaming in his throat as he struggled to hold in the tears that wanted to escape. He pulled back, not caring about the copper tang that was held on his tongue now.  _

_ "I love you too, baby." _

* * *

Leo shot up out of bed, high pitched whimpers slipping through his lips as he tumbled off the bed, clutching his forehead. Tears were streaming down his face.

“Leo!” Raph climbed off the bed and knelt down in front of him, easing his hands off his face before cupping his cheeks gently, rubbing his thumbs across the skin and wiping away the tears.  “‘Ey, hey, baby, listen ta my voice, it’s okay,” 

“I-I...O-Oh go-”

“Shhh,” Raph wrapped his arms around Leo and pulled him against his plastron, kissing his forehead and cheeks. 

“I-I...Just…” Leo sucked in uneven breathes. “N-Nightmare…” 

“Who was it?” Raph didn’t have to ask what  _ type  _ of nightmare, over the past three months, it was a switching nightmare between Keith and Shredder, it almost always was.

“Sh-Shredder…” Leo breathed out a sigh. “I-I’ll be okay...J-just....He killed me...I-In the...The dream...And I just... I don’t wanna leave you…” Leo said, his lip trembling as he looked up. 

“I don’t want ta leave you either, babe.” Raph said, kissing him quickly before hugging him again. 

Leo kissed him again, wrapping his arms around Raph’s neck as the other wrapped his arms around his waist. Raph tugged his body closer and Leo straddled his thigh, his eyes drifting closed as he felt Raph’s hands caressing his lower plastron and sides. He moved his hips, moaning softly against Raph’s lips as he played lazily with the other’s tongue. 

“Ra-Raphie,” He whined out, his nightmare leaving completely from his mind as a bright lust filled cloud covered his mind.  “Pl-please,” His head lolled back as Raph attacked his neck, kissing and sucking at the skin hungrily on one of his pulse lines, sliding his hands down and gripping Leo’s ass, kneading the skin and tugging him against his body. “A-Ah,”

“Please what?” He asked in a gruff voice, raising his darkened eyes towards the flushed male, who just returned the gaze briefly before kissing him again.

“M-Make me forget about them again,” He whispered against Raph’s lips, sucking one of them and nibbling at the skin with his teeth. 

“Fearless?”

“Please,” Leo looked up, pouting as he bucked his hips gently. 

_ ‘Yer gonna sleep with 'im once, and dat's all 'e's gonna be ta ya too, 'cause it's all he's fucki' good fer, suckin' dick like a good…’ _

Raph flinched and sighed, shaking his head lightly, but didn’t move after that. “I-I don’t think that’s a good idea,”

“...W-why?” 

“I just...I-I don’t,” Raph got up, practically pushing Leo to the floor and turned around, looking around the room as he ran his hands over his head. 

* * *

**‘Stupid, told ya this would happen!’**

**‘You were practically humping him! Are you that desperate!?"’**

**‘And besides, ya can't tell anyone, Ya asked for it…’**

**‘Whore, you’re just a fuckin’ whore!’**

Leo didn’t say anything as his shoulders sagged, his eyes lowering from Raph’s pacing form as he let out a small breath. 

**‘Hahaha! See, ya thought you were finally ready, and look at what-cha got,’**

He blinked rapidly as tears misted over his eyes. He shakily grabbed the side of the bed and forced himself up on trembling knees, keeping his eyes on the ground. 

“I-I’m gonna...G-go sleep in the living room…” He whispered, barely sound enough for Raph to hear as he stumbled towards the door, trying to fight back the tears that so badly wanted to spill. 

“W-wait,” Raph quickly grabbed him, wrapping his arms around Leo’s waist and pulling him back and sitting them both on the bed. “I’m sorry,”

“N-No, it’s okay, re-rea-really I-I mean I-I g-get it, I-I just...Just I-I need t-to...G-go…” Leo stuttered out, tears spilling down his cheeks as he struggled to get up, but his knees were too weak to hold him and he collapsed into Raph’s arms again. 

“N-no, I mean, Leo look at me, please,”

It took a few seconds before Leo managed to look up, blinking as he tried not to cry. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,”

“R-Raphie, i-it’s oka-”

“No! I swear, that’s not...That’s not why, I’m just…” He wrapped his arms around Leo, pulling him against him again. “I’m scared, t-ta like…’Urt ya or somethin’,”

Leo glanced up at him, rubbing his eyes roughly. “I’m not made of glass, ya know!” He snapped, his eyes filling with tears again.

“I know! And believe me, I want to, really I do, but I don’t wanna end up making everything w-worse,” Raph said, closing his eyes as he let out a shaky breath. 

“Raphie?”   
“Hmm?” 

Leo let out an amused breathy laugh. “How’d we get from making out t-to almost crying?”

“‘Cause I’m a dumbass, “

“R-Raphie,” Leo turned and straddled him again, wrapping his arms around Raph’s neck and pecked him lightly on the lips. “Please just kiss me again,” He grinned tiredly at him, chuckling at the taken-aback look on Raph’s face. 

“Bab-”

“Yeeess, I know, please.” He asked again, smiling at him before kissing him again, pushing his body flushed against Raph’s. “Please,” He pulled back, nuzzling their beaks together. 

“O-Okay,” 

Leo held in a squeal as he pressed his lips against Raph’s again, batting at his lips playfully with his tongue. He slid his hands down to Raph’s biceps, the grip tightening as he leaned more into the kiss, mumbling out sofy, whiny moans while he rocked his hips against Raph’s thighs. 

He felt the hands sliding down his sides again, tickling the skin softly with his nails as Raph moved his hands down, gripping his hips tightly as they pulled back for air. Raph immediately kissing down Leo’s jawline before he found a pressure point, sucking hungrily at the skin while latching his hands onto the open skin on Leo’s hips and ass, kneading the skin between his fingers, digging his nails into the soft flesh as he listened to the lusty moans that vibrated against his lips. Leo kept glancing nervously with hooded eyes at the door.

“Relax, baby, they’re all sleepin’.” Raph whispered gruffly in his ear, pressing his lips against the skin around it lightly. 

Leo giggled at the sensation, leaning his head back. Raph smirked at the reaction, sliding his hands down and cupping Leo’s ass roughly, lifting him up as he stood, turning around and throwing him down onto the bed, smirking at the high pitched squeal from Leo when he was picked up and climbing on top of him, trapping Leo’s smaller frame to the bed with his as he let his eye wonder over his body , Raph dragged his hands over the exposed skin. Raph watched as the blush rose up from Leo’s bruised neck across his cheeks and his smirk deepened. 

“God, I love you.” Raph muttered as he leaned down again, cupping Leo’s face between his fingers before kissing him deeply, pressing their bodies together and humming in satisfaction as he explored his mouth, heat continuing to rush down to the growing bulge in his plastron, but the feeling of an identical bulge by his thigh was enough reassurance for him. 

Leo’s hands were gripping his thighs tightly as he bucked his hips upwards, trying to get some sort of friction. His face was growing hotter at the deep chuckle he heard against his plastron.

“Ey, baby,” Raph pulled back, grinning down at him with wide, lust filled eyes, running his hands down Leo’s plastron, freezing for a second as he looked up at Leo and stared at him with a sly smirk before rubbing his thumb across the pulsing slit, swallowing down a groan at the whimpered moan and breathed out a possessive growl. “Relax, I’mma take care-a ya.” Raph said, licking his lips before biting down on his lower one. 

“P-Promise?” Leo asked nervously, causing Raph to look up for him.

“Promise,” Raph leaned down again, kissing him on the beak gently before pulling back, running his hands down Leo’s sides and down his thighs as he moved between Leo’s legs, kissing his way down his plastron, nuzzling the slit teasingly with his beak before licking across it as he drug his nails across Leo’s thighs before pressing down on them as Leo’s body jerked, high pitched squeals that were muffled by Leo’s hand as he wiggled his hips. 

“Pl-plea… Ahh, please…”

Raph let out a breathy chuckle against his plastron as he held down Leo’s legs with his hands, batting his tongue across the enlarging slit.

“Ahhh, g-gad,” Leo’s shell arched off the bed as his eyes rolled back, his body tensing for a second before completely relaxing as he dropped down. His face flushed, but he was too lost to open his eyes.

“Dayum, baby boy,” Raph muttered, licking his lips after he got over the initial shock of the appearance. 

“S-Shut up,” Leo muttered embarrassedly, trying to cross his arms, but Raph quickly grabbed onto them and tugged them down to Leo’s sides. He reached forward, wrapping his hand around the base of the light green cock, stroking it at an even pace, rubbing his thumb over the tip as he did, grinning at the horny little whine’s that filled the room. 

“Fuckin’ hell,” He growled out before leaning forward, licking up the side before wrapping his mouth around the head, sucking it in and hollowing out his cheeks , holding back chuckling as he listened to the struggle muffled moans from above him. 

“A-Ahhh, gah!” 

Raph’s grip on Leo’s hips tightened hard enough to bruise, but neither complained as he bobbed his head up and down, slowly inching his way down to the base. Leo’s body was shaking as he sucked in breath, high pitched whimpers and whines and pleads, causing Raph to chuckle muffledly, the sound vibrating against Leo’s cock, who bit down quickly on his lip as he moaned loudly.

“R-Raph, I-I c-ca- Ah,” His legs were twitching against Raph’s calfs and his moans were increasing in volume as he tried, desperately, to make them quieter, by biting down on his palm. 

“C’mon, just let go,” Raph muttered as he pulled up for a split second, gasping quickly before deep throating him again, bobbing his head and wrapping his hand around the area he couldn’t reach, tugging roughly as he felt Leo tense, smirking to himself at the, even though it was muffled, loud moaned cry as he came. Raph pulled back a few seconds later, licking at his lips as he fell next to him, listening to the other try and desperately catch his breath, Leo’s hand blindly feeling around the bed until he found Raph’s hand and intertwining their fingers. 

“Y-You’re...Still hard, dork,” Leo mumbled almost 30 seconds later, slowly turning and looking at him. Raph shrugged. 

“So?”

“Raphie,”

“H-hm?” Raph sat up, grinning amusedly down at him as Leo sat up and pressed their beaks together.

“Why won’t y-you just fuck me already?” 

Raph chuckled, kissing him lightly. “‘It’ll happen, but yer exhausted.”

“Am not,” Leo pouted, laying back against the pillows and stifling a yawn. 

“Ya are,” Raph laid down next to him, watching as Leo curled onto his side and wrapped his body around Raph’s and hiding in his neck. “But I think ya’ve made a lotta progress, babe.”

“Hm? Really?”

“Yeah...And I’m proud of ya, babe. I really am.” Raph said quietly, listening as Leo’s breathing evened out and he smiled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pleeaassseeee tell me whatcha guys thought, I'm shitty at doing smut or anything, I get really red in the face and can't focus. XD Please tell me how I did, I wanted to give you guys something, but I don't know how it turned out...:/ XD  
> I hope ya'll enjoyed it!!!  
> Oh my god, one more chapter...Makes me so sad thinkin' it's almost over though....


	15. But Actions Can Only Bruise Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, it's been a busy month and to be honest, I really don't like how this chapter turned down. I've been working on it a lot, but I just hate it. I hope you guys like it better for the last chapter and all. Hope you guys had a great Christmas!

**** Leo awoke the next morning, a feeling of sanctuary and warmth covering his body while he snuggled into Raph’s neck, lying in the V  between Raph’s legs. He let out a soft, mumbled hum while inhaling the musky, erotic scent. He pressed deeper into the warmth, ignoring the fact that they were both  _ completely naked _ in bed together, but deep down, he wasn’t all that freaked to about it. 

He didn’t want to get up. He didn’t want to get up and  _ face  _ people, humans... _ Shredder... _ He just wanted to stay here with Raph forever, inside this bed and under the covers...Their naked bodies pressed together. As if they were completely and utterly alone in this world, just the two of them. 

But he knew they had to face the world at some point, to face their rivals.

“Raphie,” He nuzzled his face against Raph’s skin more. “It’s time t-to get up,” He whispered, not making any move to actual get up. 

“Hm-mh,”

“Ra-”

“Baaaabe, let yerself sleep fer a while, ya’ve gotta be a bit tired from last night.”

Leo’s face flushed as the memory flickered through his mind, burying his  face into Raph’s neck, who smirked at the heat radiating off Leo’s face.

“W-Was...Was um, last night...Okay?” He asked quietly a few moments later, his grip on Leo’s hips tightening with worry. 

“Wha-...Y-Yeah! It was, I mean…” Leo smiled shyly. “I-It was great…” He nuzzled the skin. “It was incredible, I-I just wish...T-That you could have…Y-Ya know…”

“It’s okay, doll,” Raph leaned closer to his ear slit, kissing the skin while admiring the large, dark hickies that covered Leo’s neck, collarbone and shoulders. “‘Sides, it ain’t like I haven’t gotten off ta ya before, plently ‘a times,” Leo gasped lightly, pulling his head back and staring choked at Raph as his face flushed pure red. 

“W-w....Why w-would you...You do that…?” He stuttered out, leaning against Raph again as he shivered. 

“I think we both know tha answer ta that, babe,” Raph said, wrapping his legs around Leo’s and flipping them over, smirking down at the flushed male under him before kissing him lightly. 

“R-Raph, I-I’ve...Um...S-Stuff, I’ve got...S-Stuff to do…” Leo moved to get up, but Raph pushed him back down, rubbing their beaks together. 

“Just stay a few more minutes,” Raph whispered, closing his eyes. 

“Kay,”

“Leo?” Raph asked a few minutes later, causing the other boy to open his eyes.  

“Hmm?”

“Ya ain’t mad at me…’Bout...W-What I did ta that...G-guy…” He couldn’t bring himself to actually say Keith’s name, felt like he didn’t deserve it.  

“What? No, I mean…” Leo frowned. “I’m a little...Uneasy, at  _ how  _ you killed him...But I’m not mad a-about it. I’m not mad at you,” Leo said, smiling sadly up at him. “I just...I just wish w-we hadn’t run into him in t-the first place.”

“I know, believe me...I wish ya never saw ‘im...Eva…”

“But I’m glad...That you were there with me. I couldn’t have...I’d still be the way I was...All…”

“Broken?” Raph asked quietly. 

“Y-Yeah, but I couldn’t...I wouldn’t be where I am now, i-if it wasn’t for you…” Leo smirked up lovingly. “I love you so much…”

Raph let out a breathy chuckle, grinning down at him. “I love ya too,” 

“I gotta get up...I-I uh....Up,” He moved his hips upward, trying to get the larger boy off of him. 

“Well I can get  _ somethin’  _ up fer ya,” Raph smirked down with a wink. 

“Raph!” Leo smacked his playfully on the arm as they got up, jumping off the bed and going over to the chair with their gear. He glanced behind him, sending a hooded eye glance towards the boy who was staring at him. “What?”

“Nuthin’,” Raph leaned back against the pillows, licking his lips with a smirk. “Ya seem ta be in a good mood.” 

“Yeah, I am…” He huffed out a small chuckle. “You need a cold shower?” Leo asked with a amused grin. 

“Shud’ up,” Raph pushed himself up and off the bed, trapping Leo against the wall with his hands and pushing his plastron against Leo’s shell. “Yer a li’l tease sometimes, ya know?” Leo snickered, wiggling his tail mockingly. 

“But you loooove me,” 

“Yeah,” Raph pecked his neck gently. “I do,” Wrapping his arms around Leo’s shoulders and tugging his off the wall and against his body. 

“I gotta go, Raphie,” Leo said a few seconds later, leaning his head back against Raph’s shoulder. 

“Kay,” He stepped back, turning Leo around, kissing him roughly before pulling away and stepping back. Leo stared suspiciously at him before turning around and grabbing his knee covers, putting them on and his arm wraps. 

“I feel like you’re planning something,” He said.

Raph chuckled as he watched Leo tie on his mask, not responding to the statement. 

“Okay...I’m gonna be in the living room,” Leo said, watching Raph with narrow eyes, a small smile on his face as he leaned over Raph and kissed him, biting down on his lower lip and sucking on it gently before pulling back, staring down at him with a smile. Raph rubbed his fingertips across the sides of Leo’s thighs, slowing easing his eyes upward to meet Leo’s as a smirk grew. 

“I’ll talk ta ya later,” He waited until Leo had turned around to leave before jumping up, smacking him hard on the ass with a chuckle at a high pitched squeal. 

“R-Raph!” 

“Cya, babe,” Leo’s face was flushed as he rushed out of the room, casting an embarrassed, hooded glance at Raph and smiling shyly at him.  

* * *

_ Two hours later _

Raph had gone back to bed with a proud smirk on his face after Leo had left, deciding to get a couple more hours of shut eye before he was forced to get up. 

A loud knocking at his and Leo’s door was what woke him up the second time.

“W-What?!” He yelled as Mikey bounced into the room holding a plate of food. 

“Breakfast!” He handed the plate to Raph. “L-Leo said ya might be hungry…So I brought this for you,” Mikey said nervously, biting his lip.

“Ya okay, Mike?”

“Just...I don’t know, everything’s been so stressful lately and I’m just…It’s weird being around Master Splinter and stuff...I’m worried...About everything…” Tears filled Mikey’s eyes as he looked up at his older brother, who opened his arms invitingly. Mikey rushed forward, leaping onto his brother and burying his head in Raph’s neck.  “I-I’m so s-scared...A-About w-when...We g-go up against S-Shredder...What if h-he kills Leo? I….I mean,” Mikey looked up, his eyes bloodshot and puffy. “I love you guys, I do, b-but I can’t lose my big brother...H-He’s like my s-superhero... A-and…”

“I get whatcha mean, little brotha...Honestly, I do...I-I couldn’t live if...If he died...I-I couldn’t do it…” Raph said, tightening his grip on Mikey’s shell. “But Shredda ain’t gonna do shit ta us, we’ll all be there and we’re gonna beat ‘im, once n for all.” Raph said, grinning down at him before patting his head. “Now, I think I got somethin’ ta eat,” Mikey returned the smile as he got up, leaning against the end of the bed. 

“So, how’s everything? With you and Leo, since...All that happened yesterday?” Mikey asked a few minutes later, causing Raph to look up.

Raph felt his face heat up as he pushed the empty plate away. “Um, y-yeah, why...Why ya askin’?” 

Mikey smirked teasingly at him, leaning against his palms as he shrugged. “No reason, he just seemed pretty  _ happy  _ this morning.” Mikey winked at him as he watched the flush deepen. 

“W-Wha?”

“Well, I mean, last night I woke and  _ I  _ went back ta my room, ya know…” Mikey smirked. “The one right here,” He knocked on the wall. “It sounded like ya guys were havin’ fun.” He giggled while sitting down. “And besides, he’s got some nice sized “bruises” covering his neck and collarbone,” Mikey wiggled his fingers. 

“W-w...I-I…”

“Don’t worry, just...He’s okay, right?”

While Mikey didn’t straight out say it, the underlaid message was loud and clear.  _ “Did you force him into something?”  _

“N-No, I di-”

“Okay!” Mikey grabbed his arm, sending a reassuring smile towards him. “Just making sure, it didn’t sound like it, just...Ya know, had to check.” 

Raph nodded, a tight smile crossing his face. “I get it, I do…”

“But he’s happy, at least...He is, I’m just worried, ‘bout Splinter and stuff….”

“Yeah, me too...But April’ll keep ‘im in check, she’s badass like that,” Raph smirked at the laugh. 

“Wanna go see your lover boy?” 

Raph’s smirk deepened as he rolled his eyes, sending a short nod as they walked out. 

* * *

Leo was curled up in the armchair, leaning over the side while having a conversation with April when the two walked out.

“Hey, guys.” April smiled at them, causing Leo to turn around. He blushed as he made eye contact with Raph. 

“H-Hi,” He muttered, turning back around with an embarrassed grin that matched the bright blush on his face. 

“Aye,” Raph smirked at the reaction, walking over to them, jumping over the arm of the chair and landing in Leo’s lap. He threw his legs over the other arm and wrapped his arms around Leo’s waist and neck. “What’s up, babe?”  Raph nuzzled their beaks together affectionately, kissing his lips gently. 

“J-Just um…” Leo swallowed nervously as he looked up at Raph, glancing down at his lips again with a sly smile. “T-Talking to April,” He said quietly, resting his forehead against Raph’s. “I-I love you,” He whispered, leaning forward and pressing their lips together, nibbling at Raph’s bottom lip before pulling back, staring at Raph with hooded eyes. 

“I love ya too, babe.” Raph whispered, caressing Leo’s sides with his fingertips.

“Are um...You two just planning on making out from now on? I mean,” Mikey grinned at them. “It’s nice to see ya two happy and all, but I don’t really wanna see my big brothers gettin’ all hot and botha’d.” Mikey said with a teasing smirk, sticking his tongue out at them.

“Shud’ up, ya li’l knucklehead.” Raph muttered, sending a short glare at Mikey before turning back to Leo and quickly kissing him again. 

“Dudes! Seriously though, if I want’d to watch something like this, I’d just look up gay porn on Don’s computer,” 

Leo choked, pushing Raph back as he stifled a laugh, burying his head against Raph’s shoulder. Donnie sent a glare over at Mikey’s comment before turning back to Casey and Karai, who he was talking to about the Foot Clan’s activities in the past few months. 

None of them noticed Splinter standing in his doorway, a small smile on his face as he watched the interaction.

* * *

Leo sighed as he watched the ceiling, lying boredly on his and Raph’s bed when the door opened, April peeking her head with a casting him a smile.

“Hey, Ap,” 

“I um, I thought maybe you’d wanna see a couple of the videos I took, when you were in the coma in the first time….I-I just haven’t had the time to show ‘em to you,”

“Yeah, of course,” Leo sat up, scooting over on the bed and letting her sit down with the camera. 

Almost two hours later they were still sitting there, watching videos and talking about different times at the Farm House when Raph walked in, freezing in the doorway. 

“O-Oh, hey Ap,” Raph said, walking up and sitting on the end of the bed, leaning over and kissing Leo’s forehead gently, causing the boy to smile and blush. 

April bit her lip and forced back a grin, her eyes lighting up. “You two are so cute,” She awed, moving to stand up. “I’ll leave you guys alone, have fun!” She walked over to the door, smiling back at them. “But not too much fun.” She winked teasingly at them while closing the door, causing the two to blush.

“Well, ‘ey, babe,” Raph said after a second, smiling flirtatiously down at Leo, who was now under him completely.

“Hey,” Leo smiled lovingly up at him. “You’re in a good mood,”

Raph reached down and kissed him passionately, licking at Leo’s lips until he was granted passage, playing around teasingly with the other’s tongue as he dragged his hands over Leo’s sides and hips. 

“Hmmm,” Leo shifted his hips, soft churrs vibrating his throat as Raph moved down his jaw, licking down the skin and sucking across the pulse points, smirking at the fading hickey’s as he made more, letting out soft moans against the leafy skin. 

“G-God, I wish I could stay like…’Tis foreva,” Raph ran his tongue back up, kissing the skin next to his ear slit before lying his head down, tightening his grip on Leo’s waist. 

“I love you, Raphie…”

“I love ya so...So much too, Fearless,” 

“You’re not gonna leave me...Right?”

Raph scoffed, kissing Leo’s neck gently. “Neva,” 

“You’re the best boyfriend ever…”

“Nah, I screw up a lot, but you’re amazin’ baby boy...Seriously,” Raph leaned down and kissed him again. “I don’t know why ya deal with me, yer too amazin’ fer me…”

“Shut up,” Leo pushed him away so he was sitting down and straddled him, cupping Raph’s face in his hands and pecking him lightly over and over. “You’re amazing too, I’m the one with all the problems ...I’m just glad you’re still here, ‘cause I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“Why do we keep havin’ these chick flick moments?”

“‘Cause you love them,” Leo teased, gently pressing his lips against Raph’s beak with a smile. 

“Yeah, but only with ya most of tha time,” He gripped Leo’s waist and tugged him closer with a smirk. 

“Raphie?”

“Hm?”

“Promise me somethin’?” Leo asked, resting their foreheads together. 

“Anythin’”

“Y-You’ll...You’ll sleep with me one day, right?”

“Dude, I’ve been sleeping with ya fer 2 and a half months now,”

Leo glared lightly at him, a blush covering his face. 

“O-oh,” Raph smiled, nuzzling their beaks together. “Yeah, I promise, I will.”

“Y-You’re not...Like… “ Leo froze. 

“Leo?” Raph asked after a minute.

“Hm?” Leo looked up, almost just realizing he had stopped talking. “D-Did….Did K-Keith say something? W-When you t-two were a-alone…” Leo looked down, biting down harshly into his lip, trying to fight off the twisting in his stomach. 

“No!” Raph said quickly, a bit two quickly for Leo’s liking. 

“Raph?”

Raph looked away, rubbing his neck. “H-He did say...Stuff…” Guilt flooded him at the heartbroken choking sound. 

“O-Oh go-god,” Leo stumbled back, moving out of the way of Raph’s hands as he leaned against the headboard, burying his face against his knees. 

“N-No! It’s not,” Raph moved forward, grabbing Leo’s hands and squeezing them. “H-He just said some things a-and...It’s made me...Scared...Of what might happen i-if  _ I  _ take it that far…”

“Be-Because of m-me?”

“No, baby boy. This has nuthin’ ta do with how I feel ‘bout ya, i-it’s…”

“Raphie, what’d he say?”

“He um…” Raph rocked back and forth for a second and bit his lip nervously. “H-He said….Pretty much t-that... A-After...After I-I slept with ya...I-I’d lose interest c-cause…” He clammed up, clenching his fists angrily.

“Raph?”

“He tried t-ta tell me…’C-Cause i-it was all ya were g-good fer,” He felt Leo tense. “A-And I lost it...Next thing I knew y-ya were standing in front of me a-and...That b-bastard w-was dead….A-and I’m just... I’m fuckin’ terrifed...T-That I’m gonna hurt-chu o-or,”

“H-hey, Raphie, it’s okay…”

“No, it ain’t! H-He didn’t have any right ta say that! ‘C-Cause yer fuckin’ amazing a-and he’s just….A fuckin’ dumbass! A-And he’s messed y-you up s-so badly and I wanna t-take all tha pain a-and tha nightmares away, b-but I can’t…”

“Sweetheart,” Leo reached forward and kissed his forehead. “You are taking all the pain away, slowly, but...I’m getting better, ‘cause of you.” 

Raph looked up, tears streaming freely from his eyes. “God, I fuckin’ love ya, so much.” He leap forward, pressing Leo against the headboard and hugged him, tightening the grip and nuzzling against his neck.  

“Wanna take a nap?”

Raph just nodded lightly, pecking the bruised skin on Leo’s neck, feeling the boy visibly relaxing under his fingertips as they drifted off. 

* * *

April curled up on the couch, watching the door as she thought back to the day before when the turtles ran out.

**_Flashback_ **

April was talking happily with Mikey, the boy was practically bouncing on the couch. He was so ecstatic to be home, or at least back in New York, though all of them, minus Karai and Shini, sent mildly anxious glances at the door the eldest turtles and Splinter had disappeared into.    
“Ap,” Mikey leaned in closer. “I’ve got a bad feelin’ about this…” He whispered, not taking his eyes off the door. 

“Why?”

“I….I don’t know….Ju-” He was cut off by the door slamming open, Leo bolted to the door and rushed out before anyone could say anything, Raph followed behind him, sending a dark,  vicious glare at Splinter before bolting out, Mikey and Don both jumped up and followed their brothers and motioned for April and Casey to stay. 

A tense silence followed until April looked over at Splinter, who was standing in his doorway, his mouth pulled into a tight line as he stared emotionless at the door. 

“What the hell did you do!?” April jumped up, accidentally knocking over the cup she was holding, but ignored it as she stalked over to him. 

She noticed Karai and Shini sneaking out, casting worried glances with Casey as they left, figuring it was more of a private matter. 

He raised a furry eyebrow at her. 

“Y-You told ‘em they couldn’t be together, didn’t you?!” She clenched her fists, glaring up at him, he looked taken aback at the reaction.

“I will not allow that kind of disgu-”

“Don’t you dare….Don’t you dare! We’ve promised them...We  _ promised  _ them that you’d...You’d be accepting of them!” April screamed at him, angry tears streaming down her face. 

“I will not allow  _ my  _ children to participate in an act as  _ disgusting  _ as that,” Splinter snapped, his tail twitching.  

“ _ You  _ don’t have a choice!” April shouted, shaking her head angrily at him.  

“I  **do!** I am their Master and father,” 

“It doesn’t work like that,” She hissed. “It’ll never work like that!”

“I will not all-”

_ Snap _

April moved her hand, the stinging on the surface as he stared up at Splinter’s shocked face. Normally she would be horrified with herself, she  _ slapped  _ Master Splinter. But right now, she couldn’t bring herself to care.

“I’m not  _ asking  _ for your permission for them. We’ve gotten on fine without you the past few months, dealing with the consequences of the war between  _ you  _ and Shredder! Your sons didn’t deserve any of this, but they’ve held together and  _ healed  _ together.” She snapped, pointing her finger at him with a glare. “And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let-cha ruin all the work we’ve done over the past few months. We’ve rehealed him, and helped him...Through this...This  _ mess  _ you helped create! He’s got one main thing…Making him happy! Y-You don’t get to take that away from him!” She finished, her breath coming out heavy. 

Splinter opened and closed his mouth, his red, beady eyes wide with shock. 

“I-I…”

“You don’t have a choice about it.” She stated, turning on her heel and stalking over to the couch. She sat down, crossing her arms and closed her eyes. 

**End of Flashback**

She smiled slightly, looking up at Raph and Leo walked in.

Raph’s arm was wrapped tightly around Leo’s waist, tugging him closer as they walked, whispering something into his ear as he nipped as Leo’s neck. 

“R-Raph!” Leo hissed quietly, blushing as they sat down across from the others, slapping him on the arm gently.

Mikey grinned at them from his position next to April, his baby blues going wide with awe. 

“It’s nice, ya know, to see them happy.” He said quietly to her.

She nodded, returning the large grin.

* * *

 

**Three Days Later**

Leo nervously walked into Splinter’s room, holding his arms behind his back.

“M-Master Splinter?”

The rat twitched before opening his eyes, sending a small smile at his son. 

“Leonardo, come,” He motioned to the area in front of him. “Please.” 

Leo nodded and moved quickly in front of him, staring nervously up at Splinter.

“I-I um...Ma-...” Leo’s face twitched, casting his eyes downward. “F-Father,” This drew Splinter full attention to him. “Are you...Disappointed in me?” He asked quietly.

“No, my child. I have never, and will never  _ be  _ disappointed in you.” Splinter said honestly, letting out a small breath before opening his arms in a way he use to when the boys were younger. Leo looked up, his eyes were glassy as he crawled over and into Splinter’s lap, curling up and hiding his head in Splinter’s cloak. 

“I-I’m s-sorry,”

“There’s nothing you should be sorry for my child,” He ran his furry hand over Leo’s forehead gently. “I’ve never been more proud of you.”

Leo gave a small smile up at Splinter  and laid his head back down.

* * *

 

**Five Days Later**

“Guys!” Casey’s voice rang through the small warehouse as he rushed into the room. He leaned over and gasped for breath. 

“Yeah?” Leo asked, leaning up from his position curled against Raph’s chest. 

“F-F...Foot activity...Couple miles from here...S-Shredder’s with ‘em…” Casey said, rubbing his temple. “‘Parently someone told ‘em we were back, so he’s lookin’ for us.” 

“O-Oh god…” April muttered, sending a quick glance over to Leo, who surprisingly was just sitting there, looking mildly nervous.

“I-It’s time…” Leo said quietly, standing up and grabbing the bag that had his gear in it. 

“Gear up?” Mikey asked.

Leo nodded, holding his katana’s closely. “Y-yeah, gear up.” 

The remaining 6 people quickly got to work, getting their armor/weapons together, while Raph turned towards him. 

“We don’t have ta go afta’ him right now, Leo.”

“Yeah, we do. Before they hurt anyone else. We have to save New York,” Leo said quietly, looking up at his brother, who’s eyes were trying struggling not to twitch.

“Fearless, they can wait a couple more weeks,”

“No, we’re doing this. Now, Raph…” He could feel an argument coming on. It was strange, they hadn’t argued in a long time. 

“Ya ain’t ready fer this,” Raph whispered harshly, stepping closer to him. 

“Says who?!” 

“Says me, ya ain’t ready ta face ‘im yet. Ya could barely face Keith, what tha hell makes ya think yer ready ta face Tin-Head?!” Neither noticed Mikey’s worried glance over at their whispered argument. 

Leo flinched, glaring at Raph with clenched fists. “We’re going, with or without you.” He snapped. Leo turned around and stalked off to Splinter, who was watching them with a grim face. 

“Are...You coming with us?” Splinter shook his head, ignoring the twisting his stomach as he made the motion. 

“O-oh…” Leo tried to hide his disappointment, sending a short, forced smile at him before lowering his head and walking back to the group. 

Splinter let out a small sigh a few minutes later as he watched his children and their human friends leave, rubbing his temples as he tried to fight off the headache. Raph grumbling as he followed closely behind Leo, the argument they both were already regretting playing over in their minds.

* * *

Leo swallowed nervously as they approached the area Casey said he had seen them.   

“They were over there, on that rooftop…” Casey said, pointing to a rooftop three over. Leo nodded firmly, straightening his back as a couple of Foot Soldiers walked across the rooftop.

“Okay...You four,” He pointed to the girls and Casey. “Go around back, there should be an alley way back there. Go there and get up from the back, take out any of the Foot patrolling around there. It’s closer to the Foot’s headquarters so they’ll more likely be the ones who call for backup. The four of us’ll take out the ones closest to us and we all meet in the middle. S-Shredder’ll be somewhere in there,” He ordered, his fingers twitching towards his swords as the other four nodded, quickly jumping down into the alley way and rushing towards the other side of the buildings. 

“Leo? Ya sure yer ready fer this?” Raph asked worriedly, biting down on his lip as he nudged the leader’s shoulder with his own. He knew better than to try to talk Leo out of this, but he might as well make sure he’s decently okay before they get themselves killed.

Leo nodded blankly. “As ready as I’ll ever be,” He said quietly, drawing his swords and motioning for them to move forward, to which the others responded automatically. They made their way to the other rooftop in easy, fiddling with their weapons anxiously, awaiting the battle they’d been dreading for so long. 

Leo rolled onto the roof, crouching down as he observed their surroundings. They jumped over the edge of the final building, crouching down while the other team distracted and took out the foot soldiers that had been patrolling. April snuck over to them , holding her tessen closer to her chest.  

“There’s more Foot soldiers downstairs,” She informed them, noticing the way Leo tensed and bit his lip. 

“Ok-”

He was cut off as the door to the roof opened before a screeching alarm went off. Leo flinched at the noise while gesturing for them to stand. “They know we’re here!” He said loud enough for the other to hear him. 

“What ‘o we do, Fearless?” Raph shouted back as Foot bots swarmed the small rooftop, twirling his sai’s expertly while taking nearly unnoticeable steps in front of Leo protectively. 

“Well, well, well. I thought you would have been  _ smart  _ enough to not return here,  **turtles.** ” A deep, grumbled voice came from behind the turtles.

* * *

He….This wasn’t how he expected to feel...It felt like his stomach was covered in ice, painful, twitching, sharp ice that was digging into his skin.

Leo swallowed nervously, a shiver running down his spine while he looked up at the source of the voice.  

“Shredder,” Leo said, his voice rang with more confidence than he felt inside.  He tightened his grip on his katana’s and pointed them towards Shredder. 

“We gonna sit ‘ere starin’ at each otha’ or fight?” Raph snapped, putting his arm out in front of Leo while glaring at Shredder, who chuckled darkly at him. 

Leo side glanced over at him and inhaled deeply before gesturing for them to attack. Donnie and Mikey jumped over them, quicking taking over a few of the Foot bots separating them from Shredder while Leo and Raph went off to the sides forcefully, slashing and stabbing at the approaching foes. 

April grimaced at the sight as she joined in the fight, seeing Karai and Shini running downstairs to try and block off the impending swarm of Foot Bots.

Leo twisted his body around, narrowly dodging a blade aimed for his throat before lounging a throwing star in the bot’s eye. A high pitched slicing sound ran through the air behind him and he ducked. A second later Shredder’s blades pierced the air where his head had been. He rolled forward and spun around on his heels, flipping his katana’s inward protectively over his plastron. Shredder didn’t hesitate to push forward, sending violent kicks and slashes at the teen, aiming for vital organs and areas. 

He was quick...Almost  _ too  _ quick. Leo could barely figure out which way to move before there was a blade there, he was using every ounce of his energy trying to block Shredder’s attacks, his stamina fading fast. 

Leo had known he wasn’t ready to face him, he hadn’t been back to training for very long, less than three months, and he could barely hold his own to Raph in a serious training fight. But Shredder was  _ trying  _ to kill him.

Fear clouded his mind against his attempts to stop it as a sharp pain in his shoulder caught his attention. His eyes flickered over to were one of Shredder’s blades was shoved into the leaf green skin, only to be ripped out violently before Shredder flung his arm down again, Leo rolled out of the way, gasping for breath as he sloppily dodged Shredder’s attempts to end him. 

He could hear his brothers fighting around him, the familiar battle cries of his siblings  were the only thing giving him a sort of comfort as he was backed against a wall, Shredder’s metal form towering over him.  Leo stared up at him, trying to block Shredder’s forearm with his own. Shredder flicked his wrist and knocked Leo’s katana to the ground roughly, seconds later in the blink of an eye he smacked Leo’s other wrist and knocked the last blade across the rooftop. 

Leo froze as he watched Shredder raise his blades again, accepting his final fate...Letting out a shaky breath as he felt Shredder knock his legs out from under him. His knees scraped against the concrete and his eyes drifted in what seemed like slow motion to Raph, a tug of guilt and sadness in his heart that he’d never be able to be in his arms again…

To kiss him again…

To tell him he loves him again…Or that he’s sorry for not listening...

To fully  _ move  _ on...With him…

It was over…

A tear dropped off his chin and splashed against the concrete. His eyes closed, left out a deep breath while realizing everything he’d never be able to do again…

And for the first time, fully, in a long time...He  _ wanted  _ to live…

But Shredder didn’t care about what he wanted…

Memories fluttered past his eyelids in fast motion, a faint slicing of the fatal blades that would inevitably be the end of him rang through the air along side an enraged battle cry and everything turned  **black…**

* * *

  
  


He was floating. It felt like he was jumping across clouds and he vaguely wondered if this was heaven. But then he realized it wasn’t, because his brothers weren’t there. A heavy sadness overcame him when he thought about it…

He was dead...And would be without his brothers for...God only knows how long.

He misses them. Mikey’s bright smile as he talked about comic books or when he was “experimenting” with cooking. Donnie’s gap toothed grin when his inventions worked or the way his brother gets all flustered around April. He just misses Raph completely...From the arguing to making up to cuddling...Everything…

He just wants his brothers...He could never understand how he once, only a couple of months ago,  _ Wanted  _ to die...Because if anything...This was hell.

Being alone…

And suddenly it wasn’t like he was floating, it was like he was falling...But somewhere in the back of his mind...This felt familiar…

And then he heard it...

_ “Leo...Yer in a coma... Ya gotta wake up now...Shredder’s dead...S-So...W-we’re suppose ta be happy...Now... P-please wake up...I love you…” _

And he smiled...The loneliness disappearing as a determined thought crossed his mind.

He was gonna wake up…

He  _ had  _ to….

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it...^-^ Hehehehe  
> I hope you guys liked it! I really do, and I'd love feedback on the story itself and whatcha guys thought of it.   
> I'm so sad that it's over now, I almost can't believe it. It's been over 223 pages and 70,000 some words. I really can't believe it. It's amazing.   
> Thank you guys so much for sticking with me though and reading it. Even more to you guys who reviewed and left kudos/favorites, I love you guys so much!  
> Thank you! And I hope you see some of ya'll again when I start my new story, it'd mean a lot.  
> Hope you guys have a great New Years.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: That's the first chapter! I hope you guys liked it. It's my first attempt at a TMNT fanfiction but I got really into it after Father's Day cause I was making my step dad a card and he loves TMNT so I thought I'd watch it while I was making the card. I've become obsessed. Personally I don't think the "rape" scene was graphic enough to be rated M but tell me if you think I should change it.
> 
> Reviews/Favorites/Follows are always appreciated and loved! They make my world ^_^


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